It was April and the
Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new
elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a
modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he
looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe
should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the
Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area
going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded,
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..' So the elder went back to his
people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be
prepared. A week later he called the
Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to
be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again
replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to
his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood
they could find. Two weeks later the elder
called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is
going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied.
'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the
coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the
elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our
satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are
collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
These are actual comments made on students'
report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police
Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos
around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (
National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.. Sign here."
Yesterday morning, I saw a
radical Muslim, ranting
on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of
Afghanistan, lose his footing and fall into the Yarra River.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I may have wasted a frigging stamp!
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing
an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments. " answered the lady.
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of
people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and
say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the
morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning.
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone
in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a
space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here,
I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he
returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
There is the story of a pastor who got up one
Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad
news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new
building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught
up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a
sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a
hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and
grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with
a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand
shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our
Father, who does art in Heaven.... "
A minister waited in line to have his car
filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant
worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the
young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone
waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The
minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be
scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was
perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the
Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He
said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of
how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money
than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was
sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the
service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of
something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as
much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the
substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner" (USA 's
national anthem). And that is how the substitute became the regular
People want the front of the bus, the back of
the church and the centre of attention.
10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR
MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS,
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can
tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Well,"says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it
a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the
hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of
$1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says,
"Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious
and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn !"the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No, "the hooker replies, "but I would...
if I had a pussy."
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm
going with male.
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up
too much of a fight.
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law
Why she Had to Change Hotels Last
Last week, I checked into the Four
Seasons Hotel and was a bit lonely.
I thought, "I'll call one of those
men you see advertised in phone
books for escorts and sensual
I looked through
the phone book, found a full page ad
for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the
photo. He had all the right muscles
in all the right places, thick wavy
hair, long powerful legs, dazzling
smile, six pack abs and I felt
quite certain I could bounce a
quarter off his well oiled butt....
you get the picture. I figured, what
the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?"
. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo
sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve
if I hesitated I rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great
massage, I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really
want is sex. I want it hard, I want
it hot, and I want it now. Bring
implements, toys, rubber, leather,
whips, everything you've got in your
bag of tricks. We'll go hot and
heavy all night -tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped
cream, anything and everything
baby. Now how does that sound?" He says, "Oh my God... that sounds
absolutely fantastic, but you need
to press 0 for an outside line."
Excerpts from a District of
Columbia Airline Ticket Agent
A DC airport ticket agency
offers some examples of 'why' America is in trouble.
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed
up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer
(Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started
to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not
trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '' his
response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was
wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who
asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the
map.'' (OMG, again!)
5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled
up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover
in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight
from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally,
I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so
they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why
do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and
I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into
it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and
the airline was just putting a destination tag on his
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to
inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all
the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which
plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need
to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of
those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her
that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure
that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't
find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS AND THEY CONTINUE
3 rugby fans,
a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan,
were all walking home after watching a game at the pub. They
come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement and
decide to phone the police. The Springbok
fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the
floor in such a manner, took off his Springbok cap and
placed it over the woman's left breast. Not to be
outdone, the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it
over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the Australian fan
felt he could be of assistance, removed his cap and placed
it over her groin area. Now, when the
police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for
questioning by the police. They watched
the officer inspect the scene of the crime. The officer
picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the
cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up
the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down
and wrote down some notes. Next, of
course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked
up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked
up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes.
For the third time, the officer did the same thing which
infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point
where he went up to the officer. "What are you?
Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked
the obviously annoyed Aussie fan. The officer
replied, "It's just weird... Normally, you'd expect to see a
prick under an Australian cap!"
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving
a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in
President Obama said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I
will." The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is
Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but
no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why
there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star
President Obama laughed, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes
place in the future
family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in
a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had
to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to
visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We
were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You
know, since you are a little different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat
the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a
tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me --
"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
A nun walks into Mother
Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out
a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I
thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my
We try to play
golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I
take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the
Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a
monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left
and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I
creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.. And it's flying
straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid flight."
Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But
surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out
of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was
a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs
the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the
squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right
there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and
rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and
said ... "You missed
the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"
A man wakes up one morning in
Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow
pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got
a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with
this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is
trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will
then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu
, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu
Decided to emigrate to the United States .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China .
What it was like in the days
when children should be seen and not heard. 25 REASONS I OWE
MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside I just
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way.'
19 My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
While in China
, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days
for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost
unheard of here, we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a
shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if
you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor
examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah,
yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that
but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and
amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid
American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money
dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by
Why God Made
Answers given by 7yr old school children to the
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1.. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens bones. Then
they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least £800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum.You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go
to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real
power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep
over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without
What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on
the back of her head.
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled
inside, and the
heart closed again.
It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him
"Why are you laughing,
"I was just thinking
about my own funeral," the man replied.
"I'm a Gynaecologist
It is well known that humour is regional,
but this is the first joke that I can say is truly from
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels
Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery
(Tasmania), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland
), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found
themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of
Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers,
the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the
cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and
then placed his order: "VB."
The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't
drinking beer, then neither will I."
Sex in the
In a recent survey requested by president-elect Obama,
African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have
had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries
firm, a huge majority,86%
of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the
The other 14% said
they hadn't been to prison yet
One rainy spring night in Belfast , a taxi
driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped
into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was
startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the
'"Where to?" he stammered.
" Vale Road ," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what
the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're
completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front
seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"
An Alabama preacher said to his
congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a
rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a
horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will
be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that
would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend
there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said
you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a
couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
Mujibar was trying to get into New Zealand
legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you
have passed all the tests except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter New Zealand .'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The officer said, 'Make a
sentence using the words Pink
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer,
I am ready.' The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes; 'green, green,.........
green, green………..green, green,
and I pink
it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.''
Mujibar now works at Telecom. You've probably spoken to him.
A man and his wife were spending the day at
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt ..as
they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of
a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two
feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress
.. the husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more
by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at
him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and
he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown
Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I
drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not
that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45
A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder
holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon
when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes,
cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from
calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed
in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd
done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four
other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The
guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go
Go?s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's
side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used
the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to
the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed
really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he
traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...
but I feel this type of retribution is a far more
appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you
well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the
career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate
This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard...
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The
taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in
the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going
upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat
hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I
grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I
hauled her fat backside downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
don't know everything....
Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his
grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her :
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him
the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play
with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sex.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot
Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next
to him. He thought to himself:
'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder
which airline she works for.'
"I still call Australia home" he says to her.
She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS." He thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta Airlines logan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself: 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for
A moment later, Singapore Airline slogan popped into his
head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something
special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, while he scratched
Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said,
"Smooth as Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F..k
do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Last month a world-wide
survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked
was:- "Would you please give
your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in
the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge
failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one
day and told his wife Eileen that the doctor said he only
had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey,
now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?" Eileen agreed and again
they made love.
Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realised he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Eileen's shoulder
and said, "Honey? Please? just one more time before I
die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He Tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I
only have four hours left!
"His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him
and said, "Listen Paul, I have to
get up in the morning! You don't."
2 fish in a tank. One fish turned to the other and asked "Who is driving
Q:How did the first koala fall of the tree A:It was dead Q:How did the second koala fall of the tree A:It was stables to the first koala Q:How did the third koala fall of the tree A:Peer Pressure
Crisis - stranded Australian Sheep in the Gulf URGENT UPDATE..... The
crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and
renamed "The Love Boat". Bonus velcro gloves for the first 100 in.
The Kiwi A kiwi was doing the Maori Haka whilst, somewhere in
space, aliens were watching this
"Kamate kamate ka-ora ka-ora ......"
loudly sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were very intrigued, and wondered what would happen if
part of the Kiwi's brain was
stealthily removed! So, with the aid of very sophisticated technology, the aliens zapped a beam at
the Kiwi's head, and part of his brain instantly
aliens sat back to see what would happen. "Ka-mate
ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora......."
sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were amazed, absolutely no
difference in the Kiwi's
behaviour. So the aliens decided to zap a higher intensity beam
at another part of the Kiwi's
Again the aliens watched for results, and again the
Kiwi sang "Ka-mate ka-mate
ka-ora ka-ora ......" The aliens naturally deduced that the Kiwi was an
extremely intelligent life-form,
for with even a half a brain no difference had been noticed in the Kiwi's behaviour. The aliens decided to remove the complete brain,
thus leaving the Kiwi devoid of
all knowledge! So with a push of a button the aliens zapped the
Kiwi's head and sizzled the remaining
Now surely the Kiwi will know nothing, be dumb,
and be so stupid. The Aliens watched the Kiwi intently, and all of a
sudden the Kiwi broke into a forceful
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA .........."
A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN! This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that
end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry.
Everyone knows what the third
ONE means and what it stands for.
Everyone uses them everyday, and if
you listened very carefully, I've
given you the third word.
What is it? _______gry? Send this to 5 People and the answer will pop up on
the screen automatically.
From a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had
the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place. Word of advice. If you're ever up before an American Court - defend yourself.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it
affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
Q: What gear were you in at the moment
of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son, the one living
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do..
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the
twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture
Q: So the date of conception (of the
baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine
Q: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Q: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
guy goes into a supermarket and buys:
* one tin of beans *one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub
of ice cream
*one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.
takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has
bought and asks if he is single.
guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"
girl replies: "Simple...You are one ugly bastard!"
A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in
Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would
you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by
the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack my new
blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but
being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye,
some Bluegill, and a few pike.
But why didn't you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replied "I did, they were in your
I have been engaged for almost a
I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding.
She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the
invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down
to just under
a hundred...then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that
happened, she wanted to have s e x with me. then she just stood up and walked to
her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was
if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly
how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling.
He explained that they just wanted to be
sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl.
his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
The Blonde A blonde tries to
go horseback riding even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the
horse unassisted and the horse immediately
springs into action. It gallops along at a steady
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her
grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror, she
grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious
to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the
Blonde's foot has become entangled in the
stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as
her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her head is
battered against the ground she is moments
away from losing consciousness when, to her great
fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and
unplugs the horse.
The art of making love The Italian says,
"When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman
replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her
body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz
mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze
bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says,
"Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick,
I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*cking roof
Who Says Men Aren't
Sensitive? A woman meets a
gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed
with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears
on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little
higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is
surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy
bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite
impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense
night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying
there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: . .. ... .... ..... ....... "Help yourself to
any prize from the bottom shelf."
Two girls decided to go
out on the town without their husbands. As they came back, right
before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only
place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and
decided to go there anyway. The first one didn't
have anything to wipe herself with, so she took off her panties and
used them, then discarded them. The second not finding
anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to wipe
off with. The morning after, both
husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to
the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these
two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her
panties on...". The other one replied:
"You're lucky mate, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass
that read, "We will never forget you".
elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination,
the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?" "In
fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife
the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have
sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and
is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly
lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?" The lady
replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than
asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you
and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know
that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in
Now this is friendship
!!!! - Love it !! Telephone conversation
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony.
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the police
officers descended on Tony's house in great numbers.
the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no
They swore at Tony and left.
The phone rang at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep." "Happy Birthday,
Eleven people were
hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided
that one has to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to
name that person but the woman held a very touching speech - she
said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman
she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for
men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished
her speech, all the men started clapping their hands......
the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be
worth it. So he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him
down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk. "I
want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll
need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some
fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Floyd
seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and
Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen
house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted After
that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough,
Floyd was there. Later,
the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again,
WHAM! Floyd got all the geese. By
sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and
pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive
rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed. When he
awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the
middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer,
saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook
his head and said "Oh,
Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down,
now look what you've done to yourself." Floyd
opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and
said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."
TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9 A man is in a hotel
lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to
the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as
he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and
he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as
hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." # 8 A young man walks up and
sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender
inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the
young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me
give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." #7 A businessman boards a
flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By
the way, my name is Kim. What's yours?" He coolly replies,
"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." # 6 One night, as a couple
lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder
and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?" # 5 Bill worked in a pickle
factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My
God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too." # 4 A man was visiting his
wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On
this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should
try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The
man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From
this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral
sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes
out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man
replies: "She choked." # 3 A guy walks into a bar
with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the
bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard
on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man
removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and
the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again
and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you
have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle". # 2 A small white guy goes
into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude
standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small
white guy and says: 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy.
"What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me
but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown." The mall white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around.'" # 1 There was this couple
who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," he replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I
know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny
"What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the
two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know,
honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!
The first speaker, a
lady from England stood and said, "During last year's
conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband,
Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would
have to do it himself. After the first day, I
saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I
saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd
cheered). The second speaker from
Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I
went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his
laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I
saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third
day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well.
(The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an
Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's
conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo
Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and
washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five
long minutes). She continued..........................."Afta da
first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see
nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my
The average blue
whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates,
but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons
are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...
of Inghams manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the
receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we
have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million
dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word
of the Lord it must not be changed." "Well,"
says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this
reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we
require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day
our daily bread 'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the
Pope replies, "That,
my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it
must not be changed." Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your
Holiness, we at Inghams respect your adherence to your faith, but we
do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars -
that's half a billion dollars to the great Catholic church if you
would only change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily
bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please
consider it." And he leaves. The next
day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some
good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The
good news is that the Church will come into $500 million
the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're
losing the Tip Top Account."
spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND
WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run
around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in
person." On the
second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the
door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs. She
asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to consider
you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on
snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She
raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the
doorbell didn't I ?"
frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20
years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out
and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless
knickers. She went
home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a
short skirt to go with it. She
greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink. She
slowly spreads her legs, and in a husky voice says "Honey,
would you like some of this?" The
husband looks between his ageing wife's legs, looks up at his doting
wife and replies, "HELL,
NO! Look what its done to your underwear."
Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping
through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's
a pause... The
second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't
man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up and
sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different colours;
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at
young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once
and fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One
woman in particular loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young
to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a
WOMAN?" For a
moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane. Then a
man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt - ......one
button at a time. ......No
one moves. .......He
removes his shirt. .....Muscles
ripple across his chest ......he
and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary
suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to
the bottom and stayed there. Jim
promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled
Mary out. When the medical director became
aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately
ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered
him to be mentally stable. When
he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged because since you were able to jump
in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained
your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am
so sorry, but she's dead." Jim
replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."
Green Dog Read
Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two 1.
I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when
I am with
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make
you cry. 3.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
they don't love you with all they have. 4.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. 5.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them
can't have them. 6.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is
love with your smile. 7.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. 8.
Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste
on you. 9.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the
right one, so that when
we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. 10.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. 11.
There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to
do is keep on trusting
and just be more careful about who you trust next time around. 12.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try
someone else and expect them to know you. 13.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them
WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. True
friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends? Hardly
anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!! You have
been Tagged by the Green Dog! ,-._,-. \/)"(\/ (_o_) ruff!!!!!!
Keep Faith in Troubled Times
And the Lord Spoke to Noah and said:
" In One year, I am going to make it rain and cover the
whole earth with water until everyone is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth "
In a flash God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Noah took
the plans and agreed to build the Ark. Exactly one year later,
fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth
went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping "
Noah, " he shouted. " Where is the Ark ?" '" Lord please forgive me ? cried Noah.
" I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not meet specifications. I had to hire an engineering company to
" Then I got into a fight with Occupational Safety people over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
" Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating by-laws
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from Town Planning. "
" Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl
I finally convinced the Forestry Department that I needed the wood
to save the Owls. However, The Department of Environmental Affairs
won't let me catch any Owls. "
" The carpenters went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
settlement with the builders Federation before anyone would pick up
a saw or hammer. "
" Then I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to
me only taking two of each kind aboard.
" When their objections were finally dismissed, the Department
of Environment notified me that I could not complete the Ark,
without filing an environment impact assessment on your proposed
" They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
" Then the city engineer demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe."
" The Australian Tax office has seized my assets, claiming that
I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid
" I just got a notice from the Licensing Department that I owe
them some kind of tax, having failed to register the Ark as a
And you thought you had it tough ???... Hang in there
Brian Andrews 17 / 10 / 01
Q: What's the definition of bad luck? A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett,
your travel insurance through HIH and
trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile...
Jack and Betty are
celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks
his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?"
Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now?
You don't want to know that."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well then" replies Betty, giving in, "I'm afraid so.
"Three?! Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you
really, really wanted to start a business on
your own, and no bank would give you a loan?
But suddenly one day the bank president himself came over to the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can't be too upset
Well, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and
you really, really needed that very risky
operation that no surgeon was willing to perform?
And, remember how Dr. DeBakey suddenly came all the way up here to perform the surgery himself?"
"Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.
do such a thing, you must truly love me.
could any man be upset with that?
And so, finally,
when was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really, really
wanted to be president of the golf club - and
you were 27 votes short?"
should we do with Osama bin Laden when we capture him? Kill him?
No - he would be a martyr! Leave him alone? No
- it would make the USA look bad!
Solution: bring him to trial, give him a sex change and send him
back to live as a woman under Taliban rule.
If you bought $1,000.00
worth of Ansett stock one year ago, it would be worth
$49.00 today. If you bought $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the
deposit, you would have $79.00 today. Invest
sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch in New Zealand. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they
are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank
from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their check book, then takes
their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch
where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving,
she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after
me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the
man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her
that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying
him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister
a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into
the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull
for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes,
she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the
word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator
shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know that you want her to hitch the trailer
to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,
'comfortable'?" The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde. She'll read it very
There was an old couple who
hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so
they decided to dress up and go out. The old
woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between
her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled "You can't go
out like that!" "I can go out as
whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with
a string tied to his penis and a potato at the
end of the string.
The woman said "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a
sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."
After her fifth child, Lucy
decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery
"down below" to restore herself to her former youthful
glory because her genitals were dangling a bit
too low and looked like a ripped out
fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned
that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more
like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses at the end of the bed. "Who are
these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're
very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is
from the surgeon - the operation went so well
and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say
thanks". "Ahhh, that's really
nice" said Lucy. "The second is from
your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success
that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very
excited!". "Brilliant!" said
Lucy. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said
the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks
for his new ears."
LIVE BY 1. Go for younger men. You
might as well - they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men
wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you
tell him jokes; it means
you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Just a thought for all the women
MENopause. Ever notice how all of
women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy Send this to all of the women you
know and brighten their day!!!
The Ultimate Guy" Quiz 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportsworld 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $300.00 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, one lonely bitch." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
CINDERELLA Cinderella wanted to go to
the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat
crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to
provide Cinderella with everything she needed to
go to the ball, but only
on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
"What's the second
condition?" "You must be home by
midnight. Any later, and your diaphragm will
turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agreed to be home by midnight. The appointed hour came and
went, and Cinderella didn't show up.
Finally, at 5
a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and
VERY satisfied. '"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm turned into a pumpkin
five hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me
his name!" "I can't remember,
exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
PINOCCHIO Pinocchio had a human
girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper on his manhood
and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and
asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
HOOD Little Red Riding Hood was
walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree, and, holding a knife to her
throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw
your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding
Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
pointed it at the Wolf and said, "No
you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
MOUSE Mickey Mouse and Minnie
Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here
that your wife is crazy and that is why you
want a divorce?"
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was
SNOW WHITE Snow White saw
Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked
him flat on his back, and then sat on his face
screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?
A father and his son are
walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops
at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To
think that at one time here on this very lot
stood the Twin Towers." The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the
Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two
tremedously tall buildings with lots of
offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx
31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings." The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"
A minister dies and is
waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's
dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The
guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk
City." St Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter
the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with
his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out: "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last
forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the
Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the
minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken
robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work
by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people
slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What kids have to say
Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look
stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
> > -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment."-Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating
a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same
time." - Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk." -Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking
for a horse." -Naomi, age 1
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as
lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's
holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom
when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
For the kiwi in you Extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel with writing like
this there really is no need for pictures! We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening
horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only
those fortunate enough to live outside the
urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of
leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch
to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her
now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance.
I could feel instantly that this was what she
was waiting for as she frantically thrust her
pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at
first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and
abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although
inexperienced, she approached every change of
position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time
I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind
blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold
out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and
passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled
together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into
the darkness of approaching night, we lay
there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how
good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously
licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaa"
and rejoined the flock. This book is only for sale, at the moment, Australia,
Wales and certain parts of Derbyshire.
knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is
open his mouth and he takes his life in his
hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
licence the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. PMS STANDS FOR - Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Plainly; Men Suck
What to do with Osama bin
Laden? Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly
him to an undisclosed hospital and have
surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
operation. Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the
Trip to the
Gynecologist A beautiful, voluptuous
woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at her, and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the
doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any
abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps
or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why
I came here in the first
guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a
Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of
you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I
am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye,
'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed,
so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious
state." Again, with a blink of the
Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around
Afghanistan. Uncle Sam (A former civil
engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains,
"Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get
in or out---virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with
What makes life 100%?
If, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Equals, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96 % H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98 % (Both are important, but the total falls just short of that 100 %
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 % Kinda neat, huh?
30th October 2000
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home, so she puts her
lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, 'How much?"
Boy - "75.00"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and
toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends
like that, that is way more than two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit
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30th October 2000
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
26th October 2000
NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a
burned out section of forest while assessing
the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed
in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back, flippers,
and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the
person died not from burns, but from massive
internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver
ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It
was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went
for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest.
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip
buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then
flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a
fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed! This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20,
26th October 2000
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on
the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle bars,
was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle
dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the
shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of stairs to the street to
escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital,
the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed
it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the
floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline,
and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving at home, he
looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went
to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into
the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife,
who was in the kitchen, heard the loud
explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His
trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his
legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband
on the stretcher and began carrying him to the
street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping
the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and
broke his arm. Taken from a Florida Newspaper) Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about yours.....
16th October 2000
MALES HAVE IT EASY
These apply to SOME of the men I know!!!!
It's Great To Be a Man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your private areas.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work ... more pay
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
And don't forget......
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off each other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little ift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
16th October 2000
The following is something to ponder..............
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are
more blessed than the million who will not
survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of
battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the
agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are ahead of 500
million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...you are more
blessed than three billion people in the
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than
75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the
world's wealthy.If your parents are still
alive and still married...you are very rare,
even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your
face and are truly thankful...you are blessed
because the majority can, but most do not. If
you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore,
you are more blessed than over two billion
people in the world that cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
"There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." -Edith
7th October 2000
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go
over to the bird section. Gerry
says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage oer' dere,"
says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave theshop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the
hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them
on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes
his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie
jumpin' is too fockin'dangerous for me." ============= PART TWO=================== A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop
and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper
bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and
then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself
over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the
parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
'SPLAT'!, as he joins
Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never
troyin' dat parrotshooting nider." ============= PART THREE ================== A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too
has been to the pet shop and he walks up
carrying the familiar 'peeple bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the
bag, and launches himself off the cliff with
the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean,
first der was, Gerry wit his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen gliding."