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It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"  (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan, lose his footing and fall into the Yarra River. 
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived. 
I'm beginning to think I may have wasted a frigging stamp!

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there  anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only  the Ten Commandments. " answered the lady.

"Somebody  has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good  morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the  morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because  he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.  Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll  miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."  When  he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along  with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is  the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to  his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good  news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building  program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your  pockets."

While driving in  Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand  printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and  grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

A Sunday  School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and  girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the  air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.  "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just  before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,  but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the  attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll  get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going  to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they  were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist  was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's  a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll  have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the  minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we  expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner" (USA  's national anthem). And that is how the substitute became  the regular organist!

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the centre of attention.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 
10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Well,"says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
"Damn !"the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?" "No, "the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:    We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:    We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:     Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:     He's twenty, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY:   Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid

ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:     Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:    Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Why she Had to Change Hotels Last Week........
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons Hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.  Now how does that sound?" He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 0 for an outside line."

Excerpts from a District of Columbia Airline Ticket Agent

A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' America is in trouble.
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol  Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2.I got a call  from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted  to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the  passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.  
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,  furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the  vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's  wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada  ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''  (OMG, again!)
5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I  pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it.  (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''  
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,  Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''  
11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA. Senator called and had a question  about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy  discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no  I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When  I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''
I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows  where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New  York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The  reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be  this DUMB?

3 rugby fans, a Springbok fan, a New Zealand fan and an Australian fan, were all walking home after watching a game at the pub. They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement and decide to phone the police. The Springbok fan could not bear to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, took off his Springbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast. Not to be outdone, the New Zealand fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the Australian fan felt he could be of assistance, removed his cap and placed it over her groin area. Now, when the police arrived, the 3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police. They watched the officer inspect the scene of the crime. The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some notes. Next, of course, was the cap over the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer. "What are you? Some kind of pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan. The officer replied, "It's just weird... Normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."
President Obama laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. 

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him  in an Australian home. 
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to  visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson. 
''It's  wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried  that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little  different from everyone.''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about  how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.  
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin  in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! 
There is a judge in  here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and  everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'! 
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him  Doctor?!   

And me --

"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab". 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.  We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid flight."
Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ... "You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"

Bear Remover A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.  
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu , Bu, Hu, Su and Fu
Decided to emigrate to the United States .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China .

What it was like in the days when children should be seen and not heard. 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19 My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Why God Made Mums
Answers  given by 7yr old school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the  only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean  the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting  born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used  dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers  and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he  made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1.. God makes mothers out  of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other  people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always  been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know  because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least £800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want  to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum.You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the  bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work  and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better  without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you  could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was  my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Heart Surgeon's Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"I'm a Gynaecologist .....

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly from Queensland:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."

The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey requested by president-elect Obama, African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority,86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet

One rainy spring night in Belfast , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'"Where to?" he stammered.
" Vale Road ," answered the woman. 
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'" 
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" 

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

An  Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she  spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said  you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my  friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Mujibar was trying to get into New Zealand legally through Immigration.  The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter New Zealand .'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'  The officer said, 'Make a sentence using the words Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer, I am ready.'  The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes; 'green, green,......... green, green………, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.''
Mujibar now works at Telecom. You've probably spoken to him.

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress .. the husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST. 

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives and me. 

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. 

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. 

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it? 

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! 

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go?s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] 

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? 

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). 

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for a party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard...

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat backside downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.

Grandmas don't know everything....

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sex.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

"I still call Australia home" he says to her.
She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS." He thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airlines logan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, Singapore Airline slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, while he scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F..k do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar!"  

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And Finally.............................
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Eileen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?" Eileen agreed and again they made love.                          
Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Eileen's shoulder and said, "Honey?  Please? just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.                                            
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He Tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!        
Could we...?
"His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have  to get up in the morning! You don't."         

2 fish in a tank. One fish turned to the other and asked "Who is driving this thing?"

Q:How did the first koala fall of the tree A:It was dead Q:How did the second koala fall of the tree A:It was stables to the first koala Q:How did the third koala fall of the tree A:Peer Pressure

Crisis - stranded Australian Sheep in the Gulf URGENT UPDATE..... The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat". Bonus velcro gloves for the first 100 in.

The Kiwi A kiwi was doing the Maori Haka whilst, somewhere in space, aliens were watching this unusual dance.  
"Kamate kamate ka-ora ka-ora ......" loudly sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were very intrigued, and wondered what would happen if part of the Kiwi's brain was stealthily removed!  So, with the aid of very sophisticated technology, the aliens zapped a beam at the Kiwi's head, and part of his brain instantly vaporised. The aliens sat back to see what would happen.  "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora......." sang the Kiwi.  
The aliens were amazed, absolutely no difference in the Kiwi's behaviour. So the aliens decided to zap a higher intensity beam at another part of the Kiwi's brain.  
Again the aliens watched for results, and again the Kiwi sang "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora ......" The aliens naturally deduced that the Kiwi was an extremely intelligent life-form, for with even a half a brain no difference had been noticed in the Kiwi's behaviour. The aliens decided to remove the complete brain, thus leaving the Kiwi devoid of all knowledge! So with a push of a button the aliens zapped the Kiwi's head and sizzled the remaining grey matter.  
Now surely the Kiwi will know nothing, be dumb, and be so stupid. The Aliens watched the Kiwi intently, and all of a sudden the Kiwi broke into a forceful song 

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN! This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry. 
Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. 
Everyone uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it? _______gry? Send this to 5 People and the answer will pop up on the screen  automatically.

From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Word of advice. If you're ever up before an American Court - defend yourself.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do..
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: 
* one tin of beans *one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream 
*one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.  The guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"  The girl replies: "Simple...You are one ugly bastard!"

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.  
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.  
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.  
Oh!  Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.  
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.  
He says,  "Yes!  Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike.  
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?" The wife replied "I did, they were in your tackle box!!!"

I have been engaged for almost a year.  
I am to be married next month. 
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding.  
She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred...then she floored me.  
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have s e x with me. then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.  
I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. 
He was smiling.  
He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.  
I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

The Blonde A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again. As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

The art of making love The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*cking roof !!!"

Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive? A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" 
The guy says: . .. ... .... ..... ....... "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Two girls decided to go out on the town without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one didn't have anything to wipe herself with, so she took off her panties and used them, then discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to wipe off with. The morning after, both husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties on...". The other one replied: "You're lucky mate, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Now this is friendship !!!! - Love it !!  Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. 
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house in great numbers.
They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no Cocaine. 

They swore at Tony and left.
The phone rang at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep." "Happy Birthday, mate."

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They were not able to name that person but the woman held a very touching speech - she said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands......

Floyd the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Floyd seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there. Later, the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese. By sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed. When he awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said "Oh, Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Floyd opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."

# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221." # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." #7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Kim. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" # 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." # 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked." # 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The mall white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'" # 1 There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," he replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, 
"What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued..........................."Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

The CEO of Inghams manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.' The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed." "Well," says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread 'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies,  "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Tip Top Account."

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell didn't I ?"

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly spreads her legs, and in a husky voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?" The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs, looks up at his doting wife and replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause... The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different colours; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the  plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. 
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! 
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt - button at a time. ......No one moves. .......He removes his shirt. .....Muscles ripple across his chest ......he whispers: ......."Here, iron this."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead." Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."

Re: Green Dog Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two 1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. 2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. 3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. 5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. 6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. 7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. 8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. 9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. 10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. 11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around. 12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. 13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to. REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends? Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!! You have been Tagged by the Green Dog! ,-._,-. \/)"(\/ (_o_) ruff!!!!!!

Keep Faith in Troubled Times
And the Lord Spoke to Noah and said:
"  In One year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until everyone is destroyed. 
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth "
In a flash God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping " Noah, " he shouted. " Where is the Ark ?" '" Lord please forgive me ? cried Noah. " I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet specifications. I had to hire an engineering company to redraw them.
" Then I got into a fight with Occupational Safety people over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
" Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating by-laws by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from Town Planning. "
" Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl
I finally convinced the Forestry Department that I needed the wood to save the Owls. However, The Department of Environmental Affairs won't let me catch any Owls. "
" The carpenters went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the builders Federation before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. "
" Then I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
" When their objections were finally dismissed, the Department of Environment notified me that I could not complete the Ark, without filing an environment impact assessment on your proposed flood "
" They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
" Then the city engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
" The Australian Tax office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
" I just got a notice from the Licensing Department that I owe them some kind of tax, having failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft."
And you thought you had it tough ???... Hang in there   Brian Andrews 17 / 10 / 01

Q: What's the definition of bad luck? A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, 
your travel insurance through HIH and 
trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile...

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?"
Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know that."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well then" replies Betty, giving in, "I'm afraid so. Three times..."
"Three?!  Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really, really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan?
But suddenly one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can't be too upset about that.
Well, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you really, really needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform?
And, remember how Dr. DeBakey suddenly came all the way up here to perform the surgery himself?"
"Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.
To do such a thing, you must truly love me.
How could any man be upset with that?
And so, finally, when was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really, really wanted to be president of the golf club - and you were 27 votes short?"

What should we do with Osama bin Laden when we capture him? Kill him?
No - he would be a martyr! Leave him alone? No - it would make the USA look bad!
Solution: bring him to trial, give him a sex change and send him back to live as a woman under Taliban rule.

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Ansett stock one year ago, it would be worth $49.00 today. If you bought $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit, you would have $79.00 today. Invest wisely...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch in New Zealand. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their check book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string. When she walked out of the room her husband yelled "You can't go out like that!" "I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go out as a dicktator."

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her genitals were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". 
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY 1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his. 
15. Sadly, all men are created equal. Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!

The Ultimate Guy" Quiz 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportsworld 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $300.00 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, one lonely bitch." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

CINDERELLA Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
 "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agreed. 
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by midnight. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agreed to be home by midnight. The appointed hour came and went, and Cinderella didn't show up. 
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied. '"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm turned into a pumpkin five hours ago!!!"
 "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I 
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."

PINOCCHIO Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

RED RIDING HOOD Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and, holding a knife to her  throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at the Wolf and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

MICKEY MOUSE Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy and that is why you want a divorce?"
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

SNOW WHITE  Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Oh..... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers." The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?" Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings." The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: 
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out: "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

What kids have to say

Never trust a dog to watch your food."  -Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."  -Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." > > -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in  the same room as your school assignment."-Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking  for a horse." -Naomi, age 1
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as  lipstick." -Lauren, age 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's  holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 10
 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8

For the kiwi in you Extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel with writing like this there really is no need for pictures! We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaa" and rejoined the flock. This book is only for sale, at the moment, Australia, Wales and certain parts of Derbyshire.

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. PMS STANDS FOR - Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Plainly; Men Suck

What to do with Osama bin Laden? Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

Trip to the Gynecologist A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. 
The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of  it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

What makes life 100%?
If, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Equals, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96 % H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98 % (Both are important, but the total falls just short of that 100 % figure)
But, A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 % Kinda neat, huh?

30th October 2000
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." 
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, 'How much?"
Boy - "75.00"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that, that is way more than two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." 
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

30th October 2000 
ReithCard  "Telecommunications has never been easier! Welcome to REITHCard, an exciting new development in telecommuni- cations. REITHCard is proudly brought to you in co-operation with our venture partners who have joined us in the vanguard of com-munity service throughout the world. REITHCard (Responsibility
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There is absolutely NO PAPERWORK! REITHCard takes care of every-thing - it's all so easy.
As a special bonus if you accept this offer within 10 days, we will Upgrade your REITHCard to UTT category (Up The Taxpayer),enabling you to freely pass the PTPT number on to members of your family, staff, hotel receptionists and even passing taxi drivers. And unlike any other card, REITHCard allows you to make calls on the same PTPT simultaneously from up to twelve different locations around the globe! To qualify for this special offer you must agree to follow the Prime Minister's parliamentary Code of Practice. To register for this FREE service, visit our Website at and enter your username. Go to Code of Practice and click "Accept." There is no need to read the entire document because it is never enforced. PLUS! If you apply for this outstanding offer within 10 days you also receive at NO COST your choice of one of the following best-sellers:

"Altruism in Public Service," by Mal Colston
"Don't Blame Me, It's Dad's Idea" by Sophie Gosper
"Developing a Better Memory" by Carmen Lawrence
"Overcoming Memory Lapses" by Alan Bond
"Sad but Never Sorry" by John Howard
"How to Retire Wealthy" by Bob Hawke
"Bringing Home the Bacon" - recollections of life on the farm by Paul Keating
"Going for Gold" by Michael Knight And there's more! The first 250 subscribers receive 5,000 bonus FREQUENTLIAR points with the airline of their choice. 

30th October 2000
A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

26th October 2000
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest.
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed! This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998

26th October 2000
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm. Taken from a Florida Newspaper) Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about yours.....

16th October 2000
These apply to SOME of the men I know!!!!
It's Great To Be a Man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your private areas.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work ... more pay
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
And don't forget......
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off each other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little ift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

16th October 2000
The following is something to ponder..............
If you woke up this morning with more health than are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.If your parents are still alive and still are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
"There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." -Edith Wharton

7th October 2000
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage oer' dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave theshop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin'dangerous for me." ============= PART TWO=================== A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins
Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider." ============= PART THREE ================== A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeple bag'.
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was, Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen gliding."

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