THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar... and the coffee.
A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. 
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. 
The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life."
"The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car."

"The sand is everything else-the small stuff." 

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls."

"The same goes for life."

"If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room or the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness."

"Play with your children."

"Take time to get medical checkups."

"Take your partner out to dinner." 

"Play another 18."

"There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter."

"Set your priorities."

"The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked."

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
 

Why is playing bridge like having sex?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
 

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" 

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

THE KIWI FARMER

A big city lawyer from Sydney was holidaying in the New Zealand. He went duck hunting in rural Waikato. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australasia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the Waikato. We settle small disagreements like this with the Waikato Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Waikato Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger who looked extremely frail and was really quite elderly. The lawyer agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer carefully and slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. With his first kick he planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick went to the midriff and sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he felt that it was retribution time. He felt truly great as he said, "Okay, you old sweetheart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"
 

THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1-- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2-- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3-- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4-- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5-- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6-- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7-- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to explore the entire course, with special attention to hills, valleys and we..-formed bunkers.

8-- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.

9-- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection.

10-- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.

11-- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12-- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13-- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.

14-- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15-- The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
 

An anti-was demonstrator in the U. S. A complained to the Post Office that the new stamp, with a picture of the President on it, was no good - just like him.

The Post Office Official said, "It’s a perfectly good stamp. It has a beautiful picture of our President on one side, and excellent gum on the other side, which you just spit on, and it sticks to your letter very nicely"

"Ah-aaa" said the demonstrater, "That’s it! I’ve been spitting on the wrong side!"
 

THE GIFT

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to a suitable store and bought a pair of pale blue fur trimmed gloves. The sister bought a pair of silk panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items - the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. 

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note.
"I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a rather delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love - your sweetheart

P. S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
 

AUSSIE LOVE POEM from Zella

Of course I love you darling, you’re a bloody top-notch bird,
And when I say you’re georgeous, I mean every single word,
So ya bum is on the big side, I don’t mind a bit of flab,
It means that when I’m ready there’s something there to grab,
So your belly isn’t flat no more,I tell ya, I don’t care,
So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there,
No sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts,
They just give in to gravity, but I know ya did ya best,
I’m tellin ya the truth now, I never tell ya lies,
I think it’s very sexy that you’ve got dimples on ya thighs,
I’ll swear on Mamma’s grave now, the moment that we met,
I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get,
No matter what ya look like, I’ll always love ya dear,
Now shut up while the footy’s on, and get me another beer!
 

The lighter side of SARS - from UNDP

WARNING If you are wearing those surgical masks... read on....

This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward.

A man suspected of SARs is lying in bed with an mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands..

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,

"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr ******, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"

At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, "I SAID..... Are my

TESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???"
 

THE DANGER OF SWITCHING JOBS

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 

Kiwi crisis - Eh

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "Hillen, its the hilth munister hirr. Sorry to buther you et thus hour but there ez un imergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fictory un Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the intire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to hef to shup some en from abroad...Britain?..."

"No chence!! The Poms wull have a field day on thus one!" "What about Australia?"

"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and four enches thuck! Thet way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

Three days later a truck arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long; 4 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and every one .....

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM
 

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury:

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS.............

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why  no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead  at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling  okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a  proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in  the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed  away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an  office cleaner asked why he was still working during the  weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said:  "George was always the first guy in each morning and  the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post  mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story:   "Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway."
 

ESCAPED PRISONER.......

A prisoner escapes from his prison where be had been kept for 15 years. He runs away, finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but, instead, finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up on the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.  While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years! I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist or complain, just do what he tells you and let him do what he wants. This guy could be! dangerous. If he gets angry, he might even kill us! Just do what he says and be strong, honey. I love you"  

To which the wife responds, He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.  He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.  I love you too..."
 

HIS AND HERS ROAD JOURNEY

HERS 
1 - Pulls off at wrong exit
2 - Opens window
3 - Asks policeman directions
4 - Arrives at destination

HIS 
1 - Pulls off at wrong exit, absolutely positive it’s the correct one
2 - Drives 5 miles into the wilderness, still thinks it’s right
3 - Drives an extra 5 miles just in case
4 - Finally pulls up at a Macdonalds and rolls down the window
5 - Gets 3 hot dogs, a large slurpee and beef jerky
6 - Asks the guy behind the counter how to get back onto the highway
7 - Gets back into the car
8 - Closes the door, then farts
9 - Laughs at the idea of looking at the map as he pulls away from Macdonalds
10 - Drives down a dirt road with no street lights, insisting this is the way back because Habib El-Mahawatashmin back at Macdonald’s said it was
11 - Almost hit a deer
12 - Curses the night, you, and the large slurpee
13 - Stops by the side of the road to take a leak
14 - Still taking a leak
15 - Almost done - I think
16 - Returns to the car
17 - Drives and fiddles with the radio
18 - Yells at you for suggesting the map again
19 - Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway
20 - He hates your sister ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
21 - He had to look up pernicious and couldn’t find a dictionary
22 - Finally found a dictionary and couldn’t spell pernicious
23 - Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside and of course they are still lost!!!!!
 

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

1st floor - the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they went....

2nd floor - the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

3rd floor - this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went....

4th floor - this door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me, cried the women. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.....

5th floor - the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f...ing impossible to please".
 

Kiwi misunderstanding........

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal.

"No way doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk gud for thut! " said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
 

We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation.

Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.

Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are Australian.
 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. 
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. 
They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" 
"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed. 
"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! 

She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. 
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. 

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."
 

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.
ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.
BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end.
CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.
CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.
COOKIE - A virgin doughnut.
DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.
DIARY - Book of revelations.
DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped.
FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.
GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows.
HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses.
HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed.
KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night.
A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.
MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises.
NURSE - A pan handler.
NURSERY - A place to park last year's fun until it grows up a bit.
PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket.
PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.
SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil.
STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies.
TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals.
VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.
 

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.!! Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the football with my son-in-law."
 

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
 

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
 

She a pretty 'lil ting, too...."

Georgie got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!"

Georgie said to the doctor,"Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Georgie, it was probably something that happened during conception." Georgie said, "Ah yeah, during conception"

When Georgie and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "You remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night"

Georgie said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fuckin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"
 

1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honour student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an asshole.
 

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make

Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
 

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club. 
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the$50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet and thought for a minute.
Then the banker in me took over.
I got my ATM card... Swiped it down his CRACK...
Grabbed the 60 Bucks... And went Home!!!
 

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear'."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says! ,"You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead! Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 
"Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Gosh!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am! ?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
 

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." 
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. 
Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow.
After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. 
Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs.
Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry...
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach.
Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" 
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
 

A man's sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walks in and whacks him one on the back of the head with a frying pan "What the hell was that for"?!, he asks, completely stunned. That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name 'Mary-Ellen' written on it, she replies. "Don't be silly" he says. Two weeks ago when I went to the races 'Mary-Ellen' was the name of a horse I bet on.
The wife seems satisfied and apologies for clubbing him. Three days later, he's sitting in his chair reading again, when she fucking hammers him right on the back of the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes round, he asks again "What the hell was that for"?! "Your F**king horse phoned"
 

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why can't a man be both good looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.

Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.

Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.

Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.

What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.
 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden,  a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes, until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the  idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that  the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird  under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
 

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a GreatDane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked,I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
 

A heart specialist doctor died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart.
When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynaecologist"
 

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your cat do?". The Government Worker called to his cat and said "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
 

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story  is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh,  that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. 

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your  nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and
slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. 

I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly a member of upper management." 
 

In a train carriage there was a Kiwi guy, an Australian guy, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Australian had a big slap mark on his cheek. 
(1) The blonde thought - "That Australian son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" 
(2) The fat lady thought - "The dirty old Australian laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
(3) The Australian thought - "That fucking Kiwi put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". 
(4) The Kiwi thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Aussie again".

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"
The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
 

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. 
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
 

The old drunk because the other three don't exist
 

One day a priest was walking down the street. He saw a little boy on the front porch of a house trying to reach the doorbell. The boy was standing on his tip toes and jumping up and down, but he still couldn't reach the bell. The priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?"
The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell. Then the priest said, "What now?"

The little boy shouted, "Run!"
 

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.

Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallowed her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the mirror and said, "I think..." *POOF*
 

How many people do we know like this??
I certainly could name a few!!
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!). Names have been changed to protect the guilty!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:

"Shall We Gather at the River."
 

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates.

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!" She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said, "I bet this is some wine!"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She said, "Well what is it?"
The little boy said, "A puppy!"