One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for
one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for
$19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken'sFurniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key
chain made with Ken's balls.
An Irish daughter had not been home
for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been
all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn ' t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
Mother thru? '
The girl, crying, replied, ' Sniff, sniff....Dad .... I became a
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for
ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that 's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New
Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera. '
'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ' Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
THE LIGHT GOES OFF
An 80-year-old man goes for a
physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The
doctor says "George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, 'God and I are
tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so
that when I get up in the middle of the night to go
to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the
light goes off"
'Wow, that's incredible,' the
later in the day, the doctor
calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had
to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true
that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof!
the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's
pissing in the fridge again!
An elderly man and woman, both in their
70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks,
'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us
have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he
is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual
advice, that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor
says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck,
charges them $50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks
the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is
a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The
couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with
no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine,
the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you
trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find
She's married and we
can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn
charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers.
A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out
for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Grandad' the
girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see a single stupid bastard, wanker or bloody idiot
anywhere we went today!'
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it !
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a
while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned
over and said to the groom-broom,'I think I am going to have a
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this? !!!!!!
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather
and his poorly behaved 3 year old grandson. It's obvious to her that
Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the
candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and
soda in their respective aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying
in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay,
Albert,just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items
out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says,
"Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps
is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir,
it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't
know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and
no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept
saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his
"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, but, I'm Albert -- the
little bastard's name is Steve. I'm going to beat the shit out of
him when I get him home."*
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and
wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches
of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of
the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so
the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We
are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then
the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with
a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can
get through?"Then with the love and understanding in his voice that
all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes
alittle math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
"Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and
dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted
island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking
his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he
rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in
and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that
goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two
wolves inside us all.
"One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority, and ego.
"The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity,
humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth,
compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It
was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,
'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New
Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to
take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly
before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
An Aussie trucker who has been out on the
road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want
your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could
have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The
trucker replies :-) 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . I'm
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their
favourite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other
cowboy. "What is it ?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just
like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
Private Health Insurance
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital
when during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
'Oh my GOD!!' screamed the woman, 'That's disgraceful!!! Why is he
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and
his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok.' commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, but private
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat
was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of
your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown
up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor..'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn
red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
Two old guys, one 80
and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
Two nuns are asked to paint a room in the convent,
and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not
get even one drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.....
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
God Bless British generosity.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to
university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has
squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern
education is developing. They actually have a program here in
Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says,
'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to
know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach
the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end
of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor
read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still
f%@king that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before
he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to
the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
Lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain bysaying
that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,'says Grandpa.'How about a
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you $2,000 that I
can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand,with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa asks
'I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side,
and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that
he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it!'
An Italian Confession
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts
of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the Confessional, the man
said: 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
Ian from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you
have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you
did,you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under
those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'
preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he
discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door
for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling
our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you
sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am
a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie,
did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered
the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the
minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in
unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many Bibles as we could...'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just
tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep
the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to
place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put In long hours every day and knew a lot about
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and
upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my
blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now
take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by
her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes
in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my
clothes into town again, you're fired !'
Thanks to Steve Martin
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a
#9 on this list
A black guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all
of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to
her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
The CIA had a job opening for an assassin. After all
of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there
were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA
agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man
for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He
took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five
minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She
wiped the sweat from her brow, and said,
"This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with
A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one
blows itself up!
A woman standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror
and says to her husband
"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please
pay me a compliment?"
The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's
spot on "
The big time hunter walked in the bar and bragged to
everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could
locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet
was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his
first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot
with a .308 rifle."
He was right. They brought him another skin, one that
someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said,
"Elk, Shot with a 300 Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and
again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and
went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that
he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last
night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You
got into bed and put your hand down my panties.
Then you fiddled around a while and loudly announced, "Skunk,
killed with an axe."
The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove
their capability of apprehending
terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a
forest and tells each agency to catch it.
The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into
the forest. They question all plant
and material witnesses. After three months of intensive
investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it
bombs the forest killing everything
including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit
had it coming, they insist.
The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours
with a badly beaten bear. The bear
is sobbing, "Ok, Ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."
John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides
to test Australian law enforcement
agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest near
Canberra. The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promise that if it gets a budget increase it can
recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit
taxes and proceeds of crime.
The Victoria Police go in. They're gone only 15
minutes, returning with a koala a
kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked
dangerous and we acted in self defence," they explain.
The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal
top-ranking officers and rabbits
dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.
The Qld Police go in. They reappear driving a brand
new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits
draped all over them.
The WA Police actually catch the white rabbit, but it
inexplicably hangs itself when the
attending officer 'slipped out momentarily' for a cup of tea.
The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the crap out
of every black rabbit in the
forest, except the white one. They know that it is the black
ones who cause all the trouble.
The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It
examines the issues, particularly
cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime
and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should
be referred back to the referring agency for further analysis.
ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid
is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar
in the market reading her newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper
and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze,
gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in
her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to
the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies, "Divorce
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants
with butter and jam in a cafe when
an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who,
nevertheless, started up a
The American snapped his gum and said, "You
Australian folk eat the whole
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied,
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In
the States, we only eat what's
inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform
them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,
"We don't. In the States, we
eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in
the States?" The American
smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the
condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We
don't. In Australia, we put them in
a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States."
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show. The
evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says,
"I have had a lovely time. You
looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling
rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she
opens it she slaps him hard across
the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopaedia last night and it said
'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".
Jacob (92 years old) and Rebecca (85 years old) are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll
to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob
suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: " Are you the
The pharmacist answers " Yes".
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob; Medicine for rhumatism?
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?
Jacob turns to Rebecca: Sweetheart, we might as well register here
for our wedding gift list !!
MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls
you a fat slapper.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Now, there's no need to get on your knees and suck me
off just yet
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in
the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick
that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.
Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while
your dad watches.
Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat cow.
A blonde, wanting to
earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handyman"
and started canvassing in a wealthy Melbourne suburb of Toorak.
She went to the front door of the first house and pressed the doorbell
and asked the owner if he had any jobs for
her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you
charge?" The blonde thought for few seconds and said "How about $100 ?" The
man agreed and told her to give him a
hand to bring from the Garage, a 20 litre glossy yellow paint, some paint brushes, roller
paint brush, plastic tray, a rag and some turpentine for cleanup. The man's wife, inside the house, heard
the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way round the house?"
The man replied, "Of course she does and just imagine the two
quotes were $200 and the
other $250. and it is a bargain at her price. The owners had a lunch appointment, about a 5-minute walk from
the home and as they left
told the blond lady that when she has finished to pick up her cash from the housemaid. About
2 hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the
housemaid asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats." The maid had no idea what type of painting job the blond lady
was supposed to do, so she gave
the $100 to her. "And by the way," the blonde added,
"it's not a Porch, it's
HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY
A woman walked into the kitchen to find
her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
how was the memory clinic you went to last month ?
Outstanding, Fred replied.
They taught us all the latest techniques
Visualisation, association. Oh it was great. " wow !
What was the name of the clinic ?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face.
" What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns
You mean a rose ? Yes, that's it !
He turned to his wife, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic ?
a dark and stormy night on Saturday 2 September in Melbourne.
A guys walks into the main bar of a central city hotel with a rare jet
black Dachshund under his arm.
The dog is kitted out entirely in black and has a black patch over his
"Could you turn on the Tele please, mate?" the customer asks
"Me little friend here's a mad one-eyed All Black supporter and
we wanna see the second round of the Bledisloe."
"Huh? The Bledisloe ?
What's that?", asks the barman. (Well, he is a Melbourne barman.)
"Never mind just stick it on Seven!" says the customer, who
orders a Guinness and pours some into black ashtray for his rugby mad
black clad canine.
During the first few minutes of the match Andrew Mehrtens kicks a
penalty goal from midfield and the black clad dog goes ballistic,
howling, turning cartwheels, punching holes in the stratosphere and
executing precision pelvic thrusts (which have a high degree of
difficulty when you're a dachshund).
"Shit," says the barman. "That's awesome! What's he do
when they win?"
says the customer. "Only 'ad him four years.."
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing
golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife
steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God !! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For
the sake of decency here's
50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she
is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! You've no knickers ---- why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me" He
reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she
too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You
don't give me enough housekeeping money
to be able to afford any"
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency here's a COMB,
tidy yourself up a bit !"
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian
woman for several years. One
night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her
a large sum of money if she would go to
Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to simply mail him a
post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it
later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meatballs, one without."
Aussie Christmas Song
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers days hay
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers
Drivin on the track in me rusty holden ute
Kickin up the dust
Eski in the boot
Kelpy by me side singn christmas songs
oh what fun it is to ride in singlet shorts and thongs.
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said,
"You have crabs".
She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because
she was an eighty-year-old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem
to him. The doctor said,
"You probably have crabs."
"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said,
"Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch.
Don't tell me that it's crabs because I am an eighty year
old virgin. It can't be crabs."
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look."
After examining her the doctor proclaimed,
"Ma'am, you're right, you don't have crabs, this cherry
is so old, you have fruit flies."
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s***
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated
their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had
been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof...
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
fairy picked up her wand and poof...
He was 90...
All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side……
The only friction in their marriage was the
husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The
noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop
ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling
back the bedcovers She pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts
and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later
she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he raced to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes. After all the years of torture she
reckoned she had got her own back. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of
horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter.
He said "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and
I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, with
some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back
When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down,
underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures
ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Subject: If men wrote Cosmopolitan...
Q: My husband wants to experience
three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He
cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your
sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him
go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook
him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform
oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting,
but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to
keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a
man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is
totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows
he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and
it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his
prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with
the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for
your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is
when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a
nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your
husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help
with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing
this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy
your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it
means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has
to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this
area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and
cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is
fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the
family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him
by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the
time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more
responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a
Q: Should I have sex on the first date
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The
important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you
without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain
things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything
over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing
your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't
feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "after play?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he
needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply
a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking.
This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza,
bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go
out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that
quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches.
Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance
your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on
your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to
please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and
buying him an expensive gift.
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest
when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and
says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running
through the forest, you'll
feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at
him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then
they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running
with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion
about to shoot up..."Lion
my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through
the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion
looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the
rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying
to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little bugger makes me run around the forest like an
idiot for hours every time
he's on ecstasy!"
A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde girl
reading a book called SEX Statistics. 'Any
Good?' he asks Fascinating America Indians
have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest.
By the way, i'm Jane.' Hi he says I'm Tonto Palawaski.
Grandma's religious experience... Got
a letter from Grandma the other day. She
writes... the other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker
and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I
What an uplifting experience that followed! I was
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good He is.... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else
loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I
found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out
of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO!
GO!" What an exuberant
cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all
these loving people. I even honked my horn
few times to share in the love! There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign
or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out
the window and gave
him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst
out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy
of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this
is when I noticed
the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the
only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car
down, leaned out of the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove
away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T
FIRED President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership."
He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in
Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line shouting
"Please come out and give yourself
up." 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending
to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas
Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the
"Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically
into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man
shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto,
California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed
to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!) 8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella,
located in the high desert, an hour east of
Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how
hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't
get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of
to make it go, they putted to a nearby marine,
thinking someone there could tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down,
the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS
the boat, still strapped securely in place...was
Listen to the recordings below. Announcers were tricked into saying them under the pretence that
they were foreign names. This is the story..... " We‘ d go and sit on the balcony at
Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under one of the speakers as the
roof is low. We put the tape machine in our bag with the microphone
poking out of the top. We‘d look for a flight that‘d arrived in
the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you‘d expect mental
names, then write a letter saying "Could you go and pick up
etc. etc. from flight, etc " . That way, it looked like it‘d
been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details were written
on the note. We also wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so
that we looked like taxi drivers. One of us would get the first one
read out and then the other did the second. We ‘ d pretend to be
unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper with the
name written on it. Long winded, but well worth it!
Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed
I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie
I‘ve just been fired, and bye-bye everybody
Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest
I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed
Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet
Oo-ah, that ‘ s better and now I need a shit
Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted
My colleague just farted, and left the room,
Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee
Still, I got my own back and took a piss in
We got rumbled doing the "My colleague just,
etc " . They actually threatened to arrest us as apparently
they ‘ d actually had complaints over the previous weeks! We were
toying with doing it again just to see what they‘d arrest us for,
but we rang Chris and all he said was, " go to Gatwick!"
This is the reason the last one sounds so crap ‘ cos Gatwick is a
much noisier place and the ceilings are high, and it was difficult
to get near a speaker. The lengths we had to go to..."
I would like to have heard
Just imagine sitting in
traffic on your way to work and hearing this on the radio. It really happened !!!
On the WBAM-FM morning show in Chicago, a DJ plays a game where he
awards winners great prizes. The game is called
The DJ calls someone at work and asks if they are married or seriously
involved with someone. If the contestant answers
"yes", he or she is then asked 3
random, yet highly personal, questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name and phone number of their
partner. The DJ calls the partner and if he or she
answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize.
One particular game, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders
drop to its knees with laughter.
Here's how it all went down. DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,
Florida if you win. What is your first name,
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying
with us for a couple of
DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and
the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred Times I've done
it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number
and call her up. You listen to this."
(3 minutes of commercials followed.)
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right
now and I've been talking with Brian for a
couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing)
"A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers,
then the both of you will off to Orlando, Florida
for 5 days on us - Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magic's game, The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah:
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last
question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us
DJ: "She saw?"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
------------(long, long pause)---------------------
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
Three old men
are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
A prominent surgeon, who was a member
of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital
in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning, then field
calls about his patients in the evening.
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor
was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the
other phone rang.
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
"It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back,
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back.
I'm talking to Christ."
A pretty woman,
carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down
the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman
snaps at him,
"Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one,
airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to
drive to your destination.
Michigan - Reading directions would have been helpful for a thief who robbed a restaurant in Saginaw, Michigan. The
would be robber failed to escape after he
pushed with all of his might on a door that was clearly marked
"pull." According to police, the man eventually discovered
his mistake, but it was already too late.
A really huge
muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to
get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"
The cowhand got
paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to
get thoroughly shit faced.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick
on him. They snuck out, turned his horse
around, and went back to join the hapless for
a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in
the face failed to have the slightest effect,
the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the
shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the
goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired.
Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've
seen you this hungover a thousand times."
"Last night was different," said the wretched
fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my
horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"
LOS ANGELES -
Twice the size equals twice the fare according to a judge in Los
Angeles. The ruling came after Cynthia Luther, who weighs more than
300 pounds, alleged that Southwest harassed
and discriminated against her in May before
she boarded a flight from Reno to Burbank. According to the lawsuit, Luther was asked if she needed a seat belt extension,
then was told to buy a second ticket "so as not to
inconvenience other passengers seated next to
her." A friend bought the extra ticket, but Luther
sat in one seat with the armrest down. Superior Court Judge Marilyn Hoffman said the airline's policy wasn't
discriminatory and is aimed at situations that
"might significantly encroach on another passenger."
HEIGHTS, Michigan - Apparently Domino's Pizza delivery drivers don't deliver everything. The driver told police he
went to apartment building, not realizing the
food order was for the rear apartment and knocked
on the door of the front apartment. A woman who appeared to be intoxicated or high on drugs reportedly came out of
the apartment and offered to perform a sex act
for the food. As he tried to pull away to get back
to his car, the woman bit him on the arm, then climbed through his window and allegedly grabbed his crotch several
times. Somehow, the woman wound up with the
food and 20-ounce pop that had been on the car's front seat.
The delivery driver later went to a local hospital for a tetanus
Yorkshire - A Yorkshire bank denied putting a gun club in a compromising
position due to its vulgar name. The members of The Cock, Ball,
Nipple and Touchhole Club were shocked when their eight-year-old
bank account was shut down when it went just
slightly overdrawn and thought it was because
of their rude-sounding name. Bank officials claim it
was closed simply because it was overdrawn and "was in no way
influenced by the group's name or its
activities." Despite how it can be interpreted, the
terms cock, ball, nipple and touchhole are all parts on an antique rifle, although members admit that some people do
assume they are an 'adult' organization.
Then there was
the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine,
thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed
from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the
pictures to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to
notify Washington the moment an arrest was
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious
sheriff of a small Southern town:
"PICTURES RECEIVED ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING
The minister, all
fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted
"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing
and he-ing tostand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing
and she-ing tostand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone
was standing except Little
The minister shouted out, "Brothers andSisters,
look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who
isn't preoccupied with sex and
What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied,
"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about
me-ing and me-ing!"
The USSR Prime
Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he
could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was
When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city
with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call
The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building
came to be seen.
"What are those large photos on that building?" asked
The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came
into focus turned out to be those of Marx,
Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
"Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy,
showing large photos of our Communist Fathers
on their streets? Show me what the text below says."
More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos:
"Don't grow beards like these! Use
Don't worry if
you have problems!
Which is easy to say until you are in the midst
of a really big one, I know.
But the only people I am aware of who don't
have troubles are gathered in little neighbourhoods.
Most communities have at least one.
We call them cemeteries.
If you're breathing, you have difficulties.
It's the way of life.
And believe it or not, most of your problems
may actually be
BRAZIL - A
Brazilian jeweler's dream of a longer penis is a stretch of their
imagination, amongst other things. The man has already gone through
great lengths to increase his modest four inch
manhood to 10.5 inches with the use of a
special "extender" device, however, now he wants more. His
doctor, Bayard Fischer Santos, has urged him
to seek psychiatric advice before he chases
his dream of a 12-inch-plus penis. Dr Fischer added: "He's very
proud of his penis, it's all he thinks about.
And of course his wife is delighted."
GERMANY - A
stuntman in Germany really cleaned up at a charity event when he survived a seven-minute stint in a car wash clinging
to the top of a family car. Jesco Goebel
donned a rubber suit and a diving mask while he endured the
cycle of whirling brushes, hot water and wax to raise money for a children's hospital charity. Goebel told reporters
"The vacuum cycle didn't really dry me
off but at least I didn't get injured."
CHIETI, Italy -
A 94-year-old Italian man, who apparently isn't done sowing his wild
oats yet, told a court that his 52-year-old wife was filing for divorce because he wanted too much sex. The woman,
who is almost half his age, is his third wife
and the couple met through a marriage agency just five
months ago. But she's already filed for a divorce because of the pressure her husband's sexual appetite has put on the
Jill: How bad
did things get with you and your ex?
Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet,
I'd pray, "Please, God, don't let
him be lying on the side of the road somewhere
Jill: Okay, and then?
Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray,
"Please, God, let him be lying dead on
the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance
money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."
At the plane
crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge
pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing
the pile of human bones beside this lone
survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in
shame. "You can't judge me for
this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong
to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was
necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man,
your plane only went down yesterday!"
Kennebunkport Hillbilly (sung to the tune of
The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told
all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all
come vote now. Ya hear?
Real Books... Unreal
The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor
and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution;
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.
I, for one am sick of those
high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving
up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they
do, baby sit! We can get that for less than
minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and
only the hours they worked, not any of that
silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to
baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach
a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day.
But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's
375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator
must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it
off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours
x25 children x180 days =$135,000 per
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!
Facts about Orstralia!
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller
2. The shorter the nickname, the
more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening
of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,
there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is
swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire.
Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that
cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce
6. On the beach, all
Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this
7. Industrial design knows
of no article more useful than the chep pallet.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any
group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands
of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the
steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece
of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore,
a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs
may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to
your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast,
your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the
widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced
to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late
1800s, and the development of a code of mutual
aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians
may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a
partner who is attractive not only to himself, but
also to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed
with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and
widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be
'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.
18. The phrase "we've
got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks
19. If invited to a party,
you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will
have catered for it).
20. If there's any sort of
free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a
simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you
own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then
you're not trying.
22. Unless of ethnic origin,
you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about,
gardening or leaning on the fence are
acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends
just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the esky is
always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol
battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad
or bread rolls at home.
25. When on a country
holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will
always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the
women can be tougher.
27. The chief test of
personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella
in high winds.
28. Australians love new
technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations
on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my
29. There comes a time in
every Australian's life when he/she realises that the
Aerogard is worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let
the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber"
to anyone ... EVER!
young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond
your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going
to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love
my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do
is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's
all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole
was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make
believed early in the post-campaign debacle that George W. would win the election and visit China at some point in his
term of office.
In fact, the chefs have already created a new dish in honour
of his visit, called "Won Dum Goy".
when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which
of course happens only every 20 years)?
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination
Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)
Now....want a re-count, George???
This definition comes directly from
AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m):
Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a desired
result is produced.
Two idiots were
hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read
that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come.
So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he
fired three more times. After another hour his
friend told him to try a third time.
... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out
An old soldier
was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes.
"Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know,
you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had!
Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday
afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello knees", he continued. "How are you,
knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were
alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"
Subject: amazingly but
Come the millennium, month
12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot
will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555
Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st
Good evening, my fellow
Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road
and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a
claim in the International Court of Justice
seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd
Good evening, my fellow
Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity
and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd
Good evening, everyone. Many
of you no doubt know what it feels like to get
royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th
Good evening, my fellow
Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys
and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a
"loser" crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th
Good evening, my fellow
Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago,
when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th
My fellow Americans: I can't
do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th
Hello, my fellow Americans.
It's been a long and difficult month for me and,
indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next
president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try
that again: President George
W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT
LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT
A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS!
Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th
My fellow Americans, in
light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has
come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional
illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th
Draft (folksy approach) ***
Good evening, my fellow
Americans. You know, when I was young boy
frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion
coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th
Good evening, my fellow
Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a
store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th
My fellow Americans, most of
you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three.
And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone
please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple
Al Gore Concession Speech,
12 Draft ***
Good evening, everyone.
Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing.
But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it.
I wanted you to know that I
got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession
speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being
elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and
in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.
"Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm
not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy
packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted
against me. They best be watching their
back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and
I *do* know where I can get my hands on some
"Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just
told those right wing wackos on the Supreme
Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order,
because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
"Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey,
thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before
you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your
fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the
election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to
get off their lazy asses in front of the
Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the
leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written
in "Goofy" you would have been
better off. "And to my home state of
Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer"
hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.
"All of you assholes
lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's
for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so
you better get your shit together or I'll sic
Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice
"What a pisser."
Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the
Being Irish we don't have
too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files
on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.
Things to do in Kmart
while your other half is shopping
1. Get boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go
off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of apple juice on
the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to a store
employee and tell him/her in an official tone;
"I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".
5. Put M & M's on layby.
6. Move "CAUTION WET
FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.
7. Set up a tent in the
Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them
in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they
can help you, start crying and ask; "Why
won't people leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the
security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in
the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun
is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.
11. Dart around suspiciously
while humming the theme from "Mission
12. In the Auto Dept
practise your Madonna look by using different sized
13. Hide in a clothing rack
and when people browse through, jump out and yell;
14. When an announcement
comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position
and scream; "Not the voices again!"
15. Go into the Fitting Room
and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper
Let's face it: English
is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the
eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither
pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not
invented in England, French fries were not
invented in France.
We sometimes take English for
But if we examine its paradoxes we
Quicksand takes you down
slowly, boxing rings are square and
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how
come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is
teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian
Why do people recite at a
play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on
You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it
burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a
bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented
by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but
when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
but when I wind up this story it ends?
Some food for
Do infants enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called
Why is a wise man and a wise guy
Why do overlook and oversee mean
If horrific means to make
horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone
tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will
believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will
have to touch it to be sure ?
If you take an Oriental
person and spin him around several times, does he
If people from Poland are
called "Poles," why aren't people
from Holland called "Holes?"
dreamed I had an interview with God.
"Come in," God
said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said:
"My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
I said "What
surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That
they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."
"That they lose their health to make money and then lose
their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the
"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...
parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children
God replied with a
"To learn that they
cannot make anyone love them. What they can do
is to let themselves be loved."
"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in
their lives, but who they have in their lives."
"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
be judged individually on their own merits,
not as a group on a comparison basis."
that a rich person is not the one who has the
most, but is one who needs the least."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds
in persons we love, and that it takes many
years to heal them."
"To learn to
forgive by practicing forgiveness."
"To learn that
there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings"
"To learn that
money can buy everything but happiness."
"To learn that two
people can look at the same thing and see it totally different."
that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them. ..and likes them
that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family,
and He replied,
"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask
for me, and I'll
forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them
PS: Pass it on to someone
special in your life....just as
we thought of you.
A TALE OF TOMATOES
An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors,
sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says:
You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on
your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in
possession of a computer nor of an e-mail
To this the MS exist and can therefore hardly
expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides
to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100
before going to sleep that night. And thus it
dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his
hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade
it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up
truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred
former unemployed people, all selling
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy
some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit
his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that
he might forward the documentation.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned:
"What, you don't even have e-mail?
How on earth have you managed to amass such
wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?
Just imagine where you would have been by now,
if you had been connected from the very
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied:
"Sure! I would have been a cleaner at
Morals of the story:
1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule
2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become
3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably
closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to
becoming a millionaire.
4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being
taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
Subject: Never lie to
There was a guy sun bathing
in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading. The little girl came up to him and
asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy
replied, "A bird." And the little girl walked away,
and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
The police asked him what
The guy says, "I don't
know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked
me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. "The police went
to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did
you do to that naked fellow?
"After a pause, the she replied, "To him? Nothing much. I
was playing with his
bird and it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!
"Moral of the story..........never lie to kids.
Try, Try Again
Happy with their two
stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but
wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last
time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant,
and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby
boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly
the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went
back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the
father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters
I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling
around on me?
"His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this
Little Mary was not
the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through
the class. One day her teacher a Nun called on
her while she was napping. "Tell me,
Mary, who created the universe?
"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair
behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary and the Nun said,
"Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked
Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once
again, little Johnny came to the rescue
and stuck her again. "Jesus
Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun said.
"Very Good" and Mary fell back
Then the Nun asked Mary a
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If
you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll
break it in half!"
The Nun fainted......
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, 2 seater
Cessna crashed into a cemetery this afternoon
in Central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into
the night. The mind boggles
Whether I think I can, or think I
can't - I'm probably right
If I always do
What I've always done
I'll always get
What I've always had
I found Jesus
there. (tissue needed! )
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up
"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
The surgeon looked up, annoyed.
"I'll cut your heart open," he continued,
"to see how much damage has been done..."
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in
there." The surgeon looked to the
parents, who sat quietly.
"When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart
and chest back up and
I'll plan what to do next."
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart.
The Bible says He lives there.
The hymns all say He
You'll find Him in my heart." The surgeon
had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.
I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply,
and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."
"You'll find Jesus there too.
He lives there."
The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged
pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure.
Therapy: painkillers and bed rest.
Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said.
"Why?" he asked aloud.
"Why did You do this?
You've put him here;
You've put him in this pain; and You've
cursed him to an early death.
The Lord answered and said,
"The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a
part of My flock, and will forever be.
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as
you cannot imagine.
His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You
created that boy, and
You created that heart.
He'll be dead in months.
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock,
for he has done his duty: I did not put
My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost
The surgeon wept.
The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across
The boy awoke and whispered,
"Did you cut open my heart?"
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
- Author Unknown
Caring and sharing
A little old couple walked
slowly into McDonalds one old winter evening.
They looked out of place amid
the young families and young couples eating
there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what
The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60
years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their
meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There
was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully
cut it in half. He placed one half in
front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few
bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking.
"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal
for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely
offered to buy another meal for
the old couple to eat.
The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used
to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally
taking turns sipping the drink. Again the
young man came over and begged them to let
him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished
eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand
it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of
the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share
What is it that you are waiting for?"
Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers,
and how they made money Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded,
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap
partners for the night.
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie
member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead
with his palm.
With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long
"Well," she said,
"that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow," he said, started pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grew wider and
"wow!" she exclaimed.
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went
their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asked,
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied.
"All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my
A teacher in New York decided to honor
each of her seniors in high school by telling
them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told
each of them how they had made a difference to
her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with
gold letters, which
read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment
ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the
results, see who honored whom and report to
the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a
nearby company and honored him for helping him
with his career planning. He gave him a blue
ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're
doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can
acknowledge a third person to keep this
acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please
report back to me and tell me what happened."
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who
had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a
grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and
he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if
he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon
and would he give him permission to put it on
him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior
executive took the blue ribbon and placed it
right on his boss's jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
"Would you do me a favor?
Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by
honoring somebody else?
The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in
school and we want to
keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects
those that were given the Blue Ribbon.
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him
He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I
was in my office and one of the junior
executives came in and told me he admired me and gave
me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine He thinks I am
a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says
'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find
somebody else to honor.
As I was driving home tonight, I thought about
you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic
and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of
attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you
for not getting good enough grades in school and
for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow
tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know
that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You
re a great kid and I love you!"
The startled boy started to sob and sob and he couldn't stop
crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at
his father and said through his tears, "Dad,
earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking you to
I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter
I don't think I need it after all." His father walked
upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of
anguish and pain.
The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad". The boss went back to work a changed man.
He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let
all his employees know that they made a difference.
The junior executive helped several other young people with
career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made
a difference in his life, one being the boss's son.
And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable
Who you are DOES make a difference.
Women - know your place in the bedroom (This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed
in the early 60's.)
When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost
importance your tired husband does not want to
queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But
remember to look your best when going to bed.
Try to achieve a look
that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply
face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this
can be shocking to a man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is
important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he
feels that he needs to sleep immediately then
so be it.
In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to
Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a
man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.
When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a
small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any
enjoyment that you may have had.
Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining
but register any reluctance by remaining silent.
It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing,
freshen up and apply your night time face and hair
care products. You may then set the alarm so
that you can arise shortly before
him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of
tea ready when he
A wealthy man and his
son loved to collect rare works of art.
They had everything in their collection, from Picaso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and
grieved deeply for his only son. About a month
later, just before Christmas, there was a knock
at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package
in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier
for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that
day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked
about you, and your love for art." The young man held out his
package. "I know this isn't much.
I'm not really a great artist,
but I think your son would have wanted you to
The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted
by the young man. He stared in sweat the way the soldier
had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up
with tears. He thanked the
young man and offered to pay him for the picture.
Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's
The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors
came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his
son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction
of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited
over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase
one of them or the collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son.
The auctioneer pounded his gavel. We will start the bidding
with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted.
"Will someone bid for
Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice shouted angrily,
"We didn't come to see this painting. We
came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real
But still the auctioneer continued. The son! The son! Who'll
take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was
the longtime gardener of the man and his son.
"I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry.
They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel.
"Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted,
"Now let's get on with the
The auctioneer laid down his gavel.
"I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry.
When I was called to conduct this auction, I was
told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed
to reveal that stipulation until this time Only
the painting of the son would be auctioned.
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets every thing!"
God gave His son 2,000 years
ago to die on a cruel cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The
son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes
the Son gets everything.
NEW CASHPOINT MACHINES
Please note that with the
arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines
customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable users to use this
new facility the following procedures have
been drawn up.
Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e.
MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.
1 Drive up to the cash
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and
4 Enter amount of cash required
5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required
amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 Wind down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all
contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check
make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into
8 Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find
diary with your PIN written on the inside back
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate
purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque
19 Re-check make-up again
20 Drive forwards 2 metres
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate
card holder, and place card into the slot
24 Re-check make-up
25 Restart stalled engine
and pull off
26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
27 Release hand brake
Scientists have determined that the
average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute,
making the average intercourse 36 strokes
Since the average length of a penis is about 5 inches
(except in chat rooms, where they're all 12), the
average girl receives 180 inches of penis or 15 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes
156 times annually) 156 x 15 feet of penis makes 2340 feet, or
about a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average
life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting
2340 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 138,060, or 46,020 yards, or about 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.
Any gal who's getting more than that, well,
yer just a big ole slut.
Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she
replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could
you have for birth control
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills
help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s
orange juice every morning and
I sleep better at night."
At The Bus Stop
One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
The Blind Date
Allen took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you
like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
"I want to get weighed," said Sandra. They ambled over
to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117
and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight
guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight,
and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again
he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her
home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How
did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
There once was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn one day,
when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling
hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and
began to munch out. She
ate... and ate... and then .. she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with
her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too
much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering
what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork
leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she
took a deep breath,spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
The moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know your full of
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.
One day, while trying to make a living for his family,
he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog.
He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired
to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming
and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow
and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings.
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you,"said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the
Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "
Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy.
If the lad is anything
like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a
man we both will be proud of."
And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's
Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout
the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life
this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.
His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
THE CAT'S ME-OW
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss
thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and
I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute
little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is
Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts
going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was
not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took
the bait under the sink. At precisely the
second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the
toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements,
while rising upwardly at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten
hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly
impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Having been full briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about. "What's the matter, cat got
If they had only known.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's the smallest book in the world?
Australian book of knowledge
What do u call a field full of
A vacant lot