The CIA had a job opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting  in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
 "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 
"This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!
 

A woman standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's spot on "
 

The big time hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 300 Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.

Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.

Then you fiddled around a while and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest killing everything including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "Ok, Ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest near Canberra. The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promise that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victoria Police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked dangerous and we acted in self defence," they explain.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Qld Police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA Police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer 'slipped out momentarily' for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the crap out of every black rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know that it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be referred back to the referring agency for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
 

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. 
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "Divorce Attorney."
 

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's
 

RAMBLING ROSE

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".
 

Jacob (92 years old) and Rebecca (85 years old) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: " Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers " Yes". 
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob; Medicine for rhumatism?

Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob turns to Rebecca: Sweetheart, we might as well register here for our wedding gift list !!
 

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slapper.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Now, there's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat cow.
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handyman" and started canvassing in a wealthy Melbourne suburb of Toorak.
She went to the front door of the first house and pressed the doorbell and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge?" The blonde thought for few seconds and said "How about $100 ?" The man agreed and told her to give him a hand to bring from the Garage, a 20 litre glossy yellow paint, some paint brushes, roller paint brush, plastic tray, a rag and some turpentine for cleanup. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way round the house?" The man replied, "Of course she does and just imagine the two quotes were $200 and the other $250. and it is a bargain at her price. The owners had a lunch appointment, about a 5-minute walk from the home and as they left told the blond lady that when she has finished to pick up her cash from the housemaid. About 2 hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the housemaid asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." The maid had no idea what type of painting job the blond lady was supposed to do, so she gave the $100 to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

It's a dark and stormy night on Saturday 2 September in Melbourne.
A guys walks into the main bar of a central city hotel with a rare jet black Dachshund under his arm.
The dog is kitted out entirely in black and has a black patch over his right eye.
"Could you turn on the Tele please, mate?" the customer asks the barman.
"Me little friend here's a mad one-eyed All Black supporter and we wanna see the second round of the Bledisloe."
"Huh?  The Bledisloe ? 
What's that?", asks the barman. (Well, he is a Melbourne barman.) ?
"Never mind just stick it on Seven!" says the customer, who orders a Guinness and pours some into black ashtray for his rugby mad black clad canine.
During the first few minutes of the match Andrew Mehrtens kicks a penalty goal from midfield and the black clad dog goes ballistic, howling, turning cartwheels, punching holes in the stratosphere and executing precision pelvic thrusts (which have a high degree of difficulty when you're a dachshund).
"Shit," says the barman. "That's awesome! What's he do when they win?"
"Dunno" says the customer. "Only 'ad him four years.."
 

Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way 
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers days hay
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way 
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day

Drivin on the track in me rusty holden ute
Kickin up the dust
Eski in the boot
Kelpy by me side singn christmas songs
oh what fun it is to ride in singlet shorts and thongs.
 

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s***
Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
Me Farver!
 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
 

The Fairy:
A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof...
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof...
He was 90...
All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side……
 

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?

If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the  mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

 Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "after play?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

 Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is  important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male  penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
 

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marine, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place...was the trailer.
 

Listen to the recordings below.

Announcers were tricked into saying them under the pretence that they were foreign names.

This is the story.....

" We‘ d go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under one of the speakers as the roof is low. We put the tape machine in our bag with the microphone poking out of the top. We‘d look for a flight that‘d arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you‘d expect mental names, then write a letter saying "Could you go and pick up etc. etc. from flight, etc " . That way, it looked like it‘d been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details were written on the note. We also wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like taxi drivers. One of us would get the first one read out and then the other did the second. We ‘ d pretend to be unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper with the name written on it. Long winded, but well worth it!

We got rumbled doing the "My colleague just, etc " . They actually threatened to arrest us as apparently they ‘ d actually had complaints over the previous weeks! We were toying with doing it again just to see what they‘d arrest us for, but we rang Chris and all he said was, " go to Gatwick!" This is the reason the last one sounds so crap ‘ cos Gatwick is a much noisier place and the ceilings are high, and it was difficult to get near a speaker. The lengths we had to go to... "

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your first name, please?"
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
 DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred Times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
(3 minutes of commercials followed.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
----------(touch tones.....ringing....)--------------

Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will off to Orlando,  Florida for 5 days on us - Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magic's game, The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
 Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
------------(long, long pause)---------------------
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
 

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.

I, for one am sick of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now, how many do they teach a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator must need batteries!)

What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours x25 children x180 days  =$135,000 per year.
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the chep pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft****

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft ****

Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft ***

My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft ***

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George

W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy  frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple crumple crumple

 Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft ***

Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it.

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election. 
 "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be  watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
 "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
 "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off. "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make  Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."

Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone; "I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".

5. Put M & M's on layby.

6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask; "Why won't people leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the Auto Dept practise your Madonna look by using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out and yell; "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position and scream; "Not the voices again!"

15. Go into the Fitting Room and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here".

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

And more..................

Some food for "Thought".......

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

 "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
I said "What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."
"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future."
"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile:
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved."
"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives."
"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis."
"To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them."
"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."
"To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings"
"To learn that money can buy everything but happiness."
"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different."
"To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them. ..and likes them anyway."
"To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied,
"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."
"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
"Thinking of you.....:

 PS: Pass it on to someone special in your life....just as we thought of you.

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says: 
You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. 
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. 
To this the MS exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. 
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. 
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. 
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: 
"What, you don't even have e-mail? 
How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? 
Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Morals of the story: 
1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

There was a guy sun bathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The little girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." And the little girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. "The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?  
"After a pause, the she replied, "To him? Nothing much. I was playing with his bird and it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire! "Moral of the story..........never lie to kids.

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me? 
"His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher a Nun called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? 
"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the Nun said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,  little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun said. "Very Good" and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Mary a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted......