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Jokes / Stories / Prayers / Tales - August 
This page was last updated on Friday, 01 November 2013 05:47:59 PM

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken'sFurniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn ' t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru? '

The girl, crying, replied, ' Sniff, sniff....Dad .... I became a prostitute... '

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that 's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera. '

'Now what was it ye said ye had become? ' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ' Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff. '

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
 
POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF  

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests  come back with normal results.  The doctor says "George, everything looks great.  How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the  light goes off"

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor  says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you  because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that  he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in thebathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes  off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'


The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

 

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.


This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.


Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'


The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers.

A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Grandad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?
We didn't see a single stupid bastard, wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it !

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? !!!!!!

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert,just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, but, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve. I'm going to beat the shit out of him when I get him home."*

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car. 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. 
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again. 
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,  "Why don't you just leave the ****** car in the garage this time."
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes alittle math's test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.  "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?"  Paddy says? "Dat's easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you no brain?  Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
"Fair enough," says the boss.  "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.... "Ere ye go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of them trees is dirty now.  So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree.  Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, "All right, last question.  Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt.  "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Paddy is the new supervisor.
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. 
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
 
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
TWO WOLVES

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil -  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good -  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.
'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee, he won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
A week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid!... Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? .......What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,
'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's  refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally  responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty  manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.  Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops at a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal. The trucker replies :-) 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny . . I'm homesick'...

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

Private Health Insurance

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!!' screamed the woman, 'That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'
'Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok.' commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, but private health cover.'
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
Two old guys,  one 80 and one 87,  were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did  to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well,  I eat rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 
So,  on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery.  As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. 
Two nuns are asked to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door..... "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan .
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Britain , not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless British generosity.

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still f%@king that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain bysaying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,'says Grandpa.'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a $1,000 that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you $2,000 that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you $6,000 that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

An Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the Confessional, the man said: 'Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
Ian from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. 

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church. 

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. 

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself 
because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. 
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. 

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. 

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?' 

Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.' 

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously 
shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.' 

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you 
sell for the church last week?' 

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.' 

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.' 

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. 

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' 

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could...' 

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.' 

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered. 

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!' 

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you 
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??' 

THE RANCHER

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put In long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes

in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !'
 

Thanks to Steve Martin

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a  #9 on this list
 
 A black guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up  to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.
 I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the  counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a  very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his  beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his  Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the  long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on  her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy
her sexual  urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says,  "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah,  well... you started it."
 

The CIA had a job opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting  in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
 "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, 
"This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!
 

A woman standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies....." Well your eyesight's spot on "
 

The big time hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."

He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 300 Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.

Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.

Then you fiddled around a while and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
 

The CIA, the FBI and the LAPD are each asked to prove their capability of apprehending terrorists. President Bush releases a white rabbit into a forest and tells each agency to catch it.

The CIA goes first. It sends animal informants into the forest. They question all plant and material witnesses. After three months of intensive investigations, the CIA concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads it bombs the forest killing everything including the rabbit. It makes no apologies, the rabbit had it coming, they insist.

The LAPD go in. They come out after just two hours with a badly beaten bear. The bear is sobbing, "Ok, Ok, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

John Howard hears about George Jnr's idea and decides to test Australian law enforcement agencies. He releases a white rabbit into Stromlo Forest near Canberra. The National Crime Authority can't catch it but promise that if it gets a budget increase it can recover $90 million in unpaid rabbit taxes and proceeds of crime.

The Victoria Police go in. They're gone only 15 minutes, returning with a koala a kangaroo and a tree fern, all three shot to pieces. "They looked dangerous and we acted in self defence," they explain.

The NSW Police go in. Surveillance tapes later reveal top-ranking officers and rabbits dancing around a gum tree stoned out of their minds.

The Qld Police go in. They reappear driving a brand new Mercedes, scantily clad rabbits draped all over them.

The WA Police actually catch the white rabbit, but it inexplicably hangs itself when the attending officer 'slipped out momentarily' for a cup of tea.

The SA and NT Police join forces and beat the crap out of every black rabbit in the forest, except the white one. They know that it is the black ones who cause all the trouble.

The Australian Federal Police refuse to go in. It examines the issues, particularly cost, and decides that because of low priority, high overtime and the projected expense to the AFP as a whole, the matter should be referred back to the referring agency for further analysis.

ASIO goes into the wrong forest.
 

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. 
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "Divorce Attorney."
 

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's
 

RAMBLING ROSE

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall'".
 

Jacob (92 years old) and Rebecca (85 years old) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: " Are you the owner?" 
The pharmacist answers " Yes". 
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob; Medicine for rhumatism?

Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob turns to Rebecca: Sweetheart, we might as well register here for our wedding gift list !!
 

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slapper.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Now, there's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat cow.
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a "handyman" and started canvassing in a wealthy Melbourne suburb of Toorak.
She went to the front door of the first house and pressed the doorbell and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge?" The blonde thought for few seconds and said "How about $100 ?" The man agreed and told her to give him a hand to bring from the Garage, a 20 litre glossy yellow paint, some paint brushes, roller paint brush, plastic tray, a rag and some turpentine for cleanup. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realise that the porch goes all the way round the house?" The man replied, "Of course she does and just imagine the two quotes were $200 and the other $250. and it is a bargain at her price. The owners had a lunch appointment, about a 5-minute walk from the home and as they left told the blond lady that when she has finished to pick up her cash from the housemaid. About 2 hours later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the housemaid asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." The maid had no idea what type of painting job the blond lady was supposed to do, so she gave the $100 to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 

Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month ?
Outstanding, Fred replied. 
They taught us all the latest techniques
Visualisation, association. Oh it was great. " wow ! 
What was the name of the clinic ?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. 
Then a smile broke across his face. 
" What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns ? 
You mean a rose ? Yes, that's it ! 
He turned to his wife, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic ?

 
BLEDISLOE CUP

It's a dark and stormy night on Saturday 2 September in Melbourne.
A guys walks into the main bar of a central city hotel with a rare jet black Dachshund under his arm.
The dog is kitted out entirely in black and has a black patch over his right eye.
"Could you turn on the Tele please, mate?" the customer asks the barman.
"Me little friend here's a mad one-eyed All Black supporter and we wanna see the second round of the Bledisloe."
"Huh?  The Bledisloe ? 
What's that?", asks the barman. (Well, he is a Melbourne barman.) ?
"Never mind just stick it on Seven!" says the customer, who orders a Guinness and pours some into black ashtray for his rugby mad black clad canine.
During the first few minutes of the match Andrew Mehrtens kicks a penalty goal from midfield and the black clad dog goes ballistic, howling, turning cartwheels, punching holes in the stratosphere and executing precision pelvic thrusts (which have a high degree of difficulty when you're a dachshund).
"Shit," says the barman. "That's awesome! What's he do when they win?"
"Dunno" says the customer. "Only 'ad him four years.."
 

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God !! why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! You've no knickers ---- why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear! "
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any"
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit !"
 
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a  large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
 
Aussie Christmas Song

Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way 
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers days hay
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way 
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day

Drivin on the track in me rusty holden ute
Kickin up the dust
Eski in the boot
Kelpy by me side singn christmas songs
oh what fun it is to ride in singlet shorts and thongs.
 

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said,
"You have crabs".
She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year-old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said,
"You probably have crabs."
"No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin."
Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said,
"Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch.
Don't tell me that it's crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can't be crabs."
The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look."
After examining her the doctor proclaimed,
"Ma'am, you're right, you don't have crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
 
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed
Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s***
Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
Me Farver!
 

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.
 

The Fairy:
A couple had been married for 25 years and had also just celebrated their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof...
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof...
He was 90...
All men are bastards but at least the fairies are on our side……
 

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bedcovers She pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he raced to the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After all the years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter.
He said "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
 "What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, with some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
 
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. 
The Russians used a pencil.
 
Subject: If men wrote Cosmopolitan...

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?

If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the  mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

 Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "after play?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "After play" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

 Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?

A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is  important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male  penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
 

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll  feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up..."Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little bugger makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
 
A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde girl reading a book called SEX Statistics. 'Any Good?'  he asks Fascinating America Indians have the widest pricks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, i'm Jane.' Hi he says I'm Tonto Palawaski.
 
Grandma's religious experience... Got a letter from Grandma the other day.  She writes... the other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! 
What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is.... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ!!!!,  GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.  I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...  I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this  religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this  is when  I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Love, Grandma
 
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marine, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place...was the trailer.
 

Listen to the recordings below.

Announcers were tricked into saying them under the pretence that they were foreign names.

This is the story.....

" We‘ d go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow, directly under one of the speakers as the roof is low. We put the tape machine in our bag with the microphone poking out of the top. We‘d look for a flight that‘d arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you‘d expect mental names, then write a letter saying "Could you go and pick up etc. etc. from flight, etc " . That way, it looked like it‘d been arranged in advance as the flight arrival details were written on the note. We also wore an ID-style badge and carried a mobile so that we looked like taxi drivers. One of us would get the first one read out and then the other did the second. We ‘ d pretend to be unable to pronounce it and then hand them the bit of paper with the name written on it. Long winded, but well worth it!

Looks Like…

Reads Like…

Sounds Like…

Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed

I hate this fucking job, and I will be fired

 

Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie

I‘ve just been fired, and bye-bye everybody

 

Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest

I need a piss quick, and my legs are crossed

 

Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet

Oo-ah, that ‘ s better and now I need a shit

 

Makollig Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted

My colleague just farted, and left the room, the bastard

 

Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee

Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea

 

We got rumbled doing the "My colleague just, etc " . They actually threatened to arrest us as apparently they ‘ d actually had complaints over the previous weeks! We were toying with doing it again just to see what they‘d arrest us for, but we rang Chris and all he said was, " go to Gatwick!" This is the reason the last one sounds so crap ‘ cos Gatwick is a much noisier place and the ceilings are high, and it was difficult to get near a speaker. The lengths we had to go to... "

I would like to have heard this!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this on the radio. It really happened !!!
On the WBAM-FM morning show in Chicago, a DJ plays a game where he awards winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".
The DJ calls someone at work and asks if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random, yet highly personal, questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name and phone number of their partner. The DJ calls the partner and if he or she answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter.
Here's how it all went down.

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your first name, please?"
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
 DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred Times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
(3 minutes of commercials followed.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
----------(touch tones.....ringing....)--------------

Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will off to Orlando,  Florida for 5 days on us - Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magic's game, The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
 Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: "She saw?"
Sarah: "BRIAN?!"
Brian: "No, no I didn't..."
DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer, please?"
Sarah: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."
Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."
DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"
Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."
------------(long, long pause)---------------------
DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."
 

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. 
The doctor says to the first old man, 
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
 The doctor worriedly says to the second man, 
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
 "Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
 "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
 "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. 
"How did you get that"?
 "Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. 
I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
 
A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate  in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening. 
One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang. 
His wife answered, then whispered to her husband,
 "It's St. Francis calling." He whispered back, 
"Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. 
I'm talking to Christ."
 
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, 
"Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
 
Remember how airlines used to ask you to be at the airport one hour before departure? Now, to avoid delays, they want you to drive to your destination.
 
SAGINAW, Michigan - Reading directions would have been helpful for a thief who robbed a restaurant in Saginaw, Michigan. The would be robber failed to escape after he pushed with all of his might on a door that was clearly marked "pull." According to police, the man eventually discovered his mistake, but it was already too late.
 
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: 
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. 
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"
 
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced.
A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you've got work to do."
 "Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head."
"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."
 "Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. "Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"
 
LOS ANGELES - Twice the size equals twice the fare according to a judge in Los Angeles. The ruling came after Cynthia Luther, who weighs more than 300 pounds, alleged that Southwest harassed and discriminated against her in May before she boarded a flight from Reno to Burbank. According to the lawsuit, Luther was asked if she needed a seat belt extension, then was told to buy a second ticket "so as not to inconvenience other passengers seated next to her." A friend bought the extra ticket, but Luther sat in one seat with the armrest down. Superior Court Judge Marilyn Hoffman said the airline's policy wasn't discriminatory and is aimed at situations that "might significantly encroach on another passenger."
 
MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan - Apparently Domino's Pizza delivery drivers don't deliver everything. The driver told police he went to apartment building, not realizing the food order was for the rear apartment and knocked on the door of the front apartment. A woman who appeared to be intoxicated or high on drugs reportedly came out of the apartment and offered to perform a sex act for the food. As he tried to pull away to get back to his car, the woman bit him on the arm, then climbed through his window and allegedly grabbed his crotch several times. Somehow, the woman wound up with the food and 20-ounce pop that had been on the car's front seat. The delivery driver later went to a local hospital for a tetanus shot.
 
AIREDALE, Yorkshire - A Yorkshire bank denied putting a gun club in a compromising position due to its vulgar name. The members of The Cock, Ball, Nipple and Touchhole Club were shocked when their eight-year-old bank account was shut down when it went just slightly overdrawn and thought it was because of their rude-sounding name. Bank officials claim it was closed simply because it was overdrawn and "was in no way influenced by the group's name or its activities." Despite how it can be interpreted, the terms cock, ball, nipple and touchhole are all parts on an antique rifle, although members admit that some people do assume they are an 'adult'  organization.
Then there was the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures  to police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the moment an arrest was made.
The next day, the Bureau received a faxed reply from the ambitious sheriff of a small Southern town: "PICTURES RECEIVED ALL FOUR SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST."
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, 
"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!"
Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing tostand up!"
A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, "I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing tostand up!"
Several women stood up.
The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. 
The minister shouted out, "Brothers and
Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?
"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. 
What do you have to say!"
Little Johnny replied, 
"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!"
The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was beautiful.
When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.
He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call Empire State?"
The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.
"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.
The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.
 "Hey, what happened to the Americans? Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says."
 More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"
Don't worry if you have problems! 
Which is easy to say until you are in the midst of a really big one, I know. 
But the only people I am aware of who don't have troubles are gathered in little neighbourhoods. 
Most communities have at least one. 
We call them cemeteries.
If you're breathing, you have difficulties. 
It's the way of life. 
And believe it or not, most of your problems may actually be
BRAZIL - A Brazilian jeweler's dream of a longer penis is a stretch of their imagination, amongst other things. The man has already gone through great lengths to increase his modest four inch manhood to 10.5 inches with the use of a special "extender" device, however, now he wants more. His doctor, Bayard Fischer Santos, has urged him to seek psychiatric advice before he chases his dream of a 12-inch-plus penis. Dr Fischer added: "He's very proud of his penis, it's all he thinks about. And of course his wife is delighted."
GERMANY - A stuntman in Germany really cleaned up at a charity event when he survived a seven-minute stint in a car wash clinging to the top of a family car. Jesco Goebel donned a rubber suit and a diving mask while he endured the cycle of whirling brushes, hot water and wax to raise money for a children's hospital charity. Goebel told reporters "The vacuum cycle didn't really dry me off but at least I didn't get injured."
CHIETI, Italy - A 94-year-old Italian man, who apparently isn't done sowing his wild oats yet, told a court that his 52-year-old wife was filing for divorce because he wanted too much sex. The woman, who is almost half his age, is his third wife and the couple met through a marriage agency just five months ago. But she's already filed for a divorce because of the pressure her husband's sexual appetite has put on the marriage.
Jill: How bad did things get with you and your ex?
Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet, I'd  pray, "Please, God, don't let him be lying on the side of the road somewhere dead."
Jill: Okay, and then?
Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray, "Please, God, let him be lying dead on the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
 The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
The Kennebunkport Hillbilly (sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
 He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes. 
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in. Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation. 
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority. Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?
Real Books... Unreal Titles!

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.

Teachers Hefty Salaries!!

I, for one am sick of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now, how many do they teach a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator must need batteries!)


What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours x25 children x180 days  =$135,000 per year.
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!

Facts about Orstralia!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the chep pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married." Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
The Chinese believed early in the post-campaign debacle that George W. would win the election and visit China at some point in his term of office.
 In fact, the chefs have already created a new dish in honour of his visit, called "Won Dum Goy".
What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?
1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination
Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)
Now....want a re-count, George???
This definition comes directly from Webster's
AlGoreithm (n: al-gor-ith-m): 
Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a desired result is produced.
Two idiots were hunting in the woods when they lost their way. Elliot had read that when lost, you fire three times in the air and help will come. So he did. Nothing happened. An hour later he fired three more times. After another hour his friend told him to try a third time.
 ... "Okay," said Elliot, "but we're almost out of arrows
An old soldier was celebrating 82 years on this earth. He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said, "how are you, toes? You know, you are 82 today. Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!"
 "Hello knees", he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you`re 82 today.
Oh, the times we`ve had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we`ve jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willy! If you were alive today, you`d be 82 years old!"
Subject: amazingly but true prediction

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft****

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft ****

Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft ***

My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft ***

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George

W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy  frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple crumple crumple

 Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft ***

Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it.

GORE'S UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH.

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election. 
 "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be  watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
 "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
 "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off. "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make  Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."

Irish Virus

Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

Things to do in Kmart while your other half is shopping

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone; "I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".

5. Put M & M's on layby.

6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask; "Why won't people leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the Auto Dept practise your Madonna look by using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out and yell; "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position and scream; "Not the voices again!"

15. Go into the Fitting Room and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here".

Let's face it: English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

And more..................

Some food for "Thought".......

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

 "Come in," God said. "So, you would like to interview Me?"
"If you have the time," I said.
God smiled and said: "My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?"
I said "What surprises you most about mankind?"
God answered: "That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."
"That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health."
"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future."
"That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived..."
God's hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked...
"As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"
God replied with a smile:
"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved."
"To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives."
"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis."
"To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."
"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them."
"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."
"To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings"
"To learn that money can buy everything but happiness."
"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally different."
"To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about them. ..and likes them anyway."
"To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves."
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment. I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and He replied,
"Anytime. I'm here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I'll answer."
"People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
"Thinking of you.....:

 PS: Pass it on to someone special in your life....just as we thought of you.

A TALE OF TOMATOES

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says: 
You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. 
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. 
To this the MS exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves.
Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. 
Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.
Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. 
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. 
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: 
"What, you don't even have e-mail? 
How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? 
Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!"
After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Morals of the story: 
1: The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2: If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3: Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4: If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Subject: Never lie to kids

There was a guy sun bathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The little girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." And the little girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.

The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. "The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?  
"After a pause, the she replied, "To him? Nothing much. I was playing with his bird and it spat at me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire! "Moral of the story..........never lie to kids.

Try, Try Again

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was possibly the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me? 
"His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher a Nun called on her while she was napping. "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? 
"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the Nun said, "Very good" and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the Nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again,  little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.  "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun said. "Very Good" and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the Nun asked Mary a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" 
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted......

Irish News
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, 2 seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in Central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the night. The mind boggles
Whether I think I can, or think I can't - I'm probably right
If I always do
What I've always done
I'll always get
What I've always had
I found Jesus there. (tissue needed! )
"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."
 "You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.
 The surgeon looked up, annoyed. 
"I'll cut your heart open," he continued,  "to see how much damage has been done..." 
"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there." The surgeon looked to the parents, who sat quietly. 
"When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up and I'll plan what to do next." 
"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. 
The Bible says He lives there.
The hymns all say He lives there. 
You'll find Him in my heart." The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tell you what I'll find in your heart.  I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."

"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."

 The surgeon left.
The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle degeneration.
No hope for transplant, no hope for cure.
 Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. 
Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one year."
He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud.  
"Why did You do this? 
You've put him here; 
You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. 
Why?"
The Lord answered and said, 
"The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for  long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. 
Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and will be comforted as you cannot imagine. 
His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."
The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. 
He'll be dead in months. 
Why?" 
The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for he has done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost  lamb."
The surgeon wept.
The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him.
The boy awoke and whispered, 
"Did you cut open my heart?" 
"Yes," said the surgeon.
"What did you find?" asked the boy.
"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon.
- Author Unknown

Caring and sharing

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one old winter evening. 
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what
The admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
 The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut  it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless.
Again you could tell what they were thinking.
 "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for  the old couple to eat.
 The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
 She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.
Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered.....

 "The teeth".

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. 
They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. 
Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, 
"Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. 
Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. 
Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long
"Well," she said, 
"that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow," he said, started pulling his ears. 
With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"wow!" she exclaimed. 
They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. 
As they walked along, Mike asked,
 "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. 
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. 
"All I got was a headache. 
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they had made a difference to her and the class.

Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, "Who I Am Makes a Difference."

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.

She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.

Then he gave him two extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened."

Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.

The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, "Well, sure." The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. 
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? 
Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else?

The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects those that were given the Blue Ribbon.

That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.

He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine He thinks I am a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference'" on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. 

As I was driving home tonight, I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are hectic and when I come home, I don't pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You re a great kid and I love you!"

The startled boy started to sob and sob and he couldn't stop crying. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I had killed myself and asking you to forgive me.

I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn't think that you cared at all. The letter is upstairs.

I don't think I need it after all." His father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain.
The envelope was addressed, "Mom and Dad". The boss went back to work a changed man.
He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference.

The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life, one being the boss's son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. 
Who you are DOES make a difference.

Women - know your place in the bedroom (This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in the early 60's.)

When retiring to the bedroom prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be lead by your husband's wishes, do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then accede humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's.

When he reaches his moment of fulfillment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.

They had everything in their collection, from Picaso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. 

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much.  I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in sweat the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.

 Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift".

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one of them or the collection. 

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"
 
There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. 

"Will someone bid for this painting? 
Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"
Another voice shouted angrily, 
"We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids 

But still the auctioneer continued. The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 
"I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. 
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
 "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. 
They didn't want the picture of the son. 
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 
"Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, 
"Now let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 
"I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
 "I am sorry. 
When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. 
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. 
The man who took the son gets every thing!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

NEW CASHPOINT MACHINES

Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

 Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.

MALE PROCEDURE

 1 Drive up to the cash machine.

 2 Wind down your car window.

3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5 Retrieve card, cash, and receipt

6 Wind up window

7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1 Drive up to cash machine.

2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine

3 Re-start the stalled engine

4 Wind down the window

5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror

7 Attempt to insert card into machine

8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car

9 Insert card

10 Insert card the right way up

11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page

12 Enter PIN.

13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

14 Enter amount of cash required

15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror

16 Retrieve cash and receipt

17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside

18 Place receipt in back of cheque book

19 Re-check make-up again

20 Drive forwards 2 metres

21 Reverse back to cash machine

22 Retrieve card

23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided

24 Re-check make-up

 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off

 26 Drive for 3 to 4 miles

27 Release hand brake

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long.
Since the average length of a penis is about 5 inches (except in chat rooms, where they're all 12), the average girl receives 180 inches of penis or 15 feet of penis per intercourse.
If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 15 feet of penis makes 2340 feet, or about a half mile of penis per year.
If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2340 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 138,060, or 46,020 yards, or about 31 miles of penis in your lifetime. Any gal who's getting more than that, well, yer just a big ole slut.
Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me,

Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

At The Bus Stop

One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

The Blind Date

Allen took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
"I want to get weighed," said Sandra. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.

Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and
began to munch out. She ate... and ate... and then .. she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away. But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!!
She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath,spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...

The moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you know your full of shit."

Amazing...

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.
One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog.
He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings.
An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
"I want to repay you,"said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."
"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "
Yes," the farmer replied proudly.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy.
If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."
And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

THE CAT'S ME-OW

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead.

Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.

It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it

wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Having been full briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the smallest book in the world?

Australian book of knowledge

What do u call a field full of Australian's?

A vacant lot