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Jokes / Stories / Tales - December
This page was last updated on Friday, 01 November 2013 06:23:55 PM
 

Brought to you by our world wide agents
 
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!'  
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!'  
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!'
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A:  Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off. 

The teacher asks tintumon if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me."
"Can you tell me what comes after three?"
"Four"
"What comes after six?"
"Seven"
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," answers tintumon...

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?  
A:  Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
"The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."  
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q:  Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A:  Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Q:  Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A:  Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: 
"Don't answer!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor:  "See!  What did I tell you?"
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A blonde girls house is on fire, she rings the fire brigade, they ask how do we get there???
The blonde replies in the big red truck!!!

The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve.  He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life.  His wife had gone.
 
He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm up.
 
"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go"
 
"Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger.   "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew.  Made it myself.  When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."
 
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said.
 
There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.  "Mister, can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent.  "My wife is with child and my car is broken."
 
George opened the hood.  It was bad.  The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.
 
"But mister. Please help...."The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.
 
"Here, you can borrow my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."  George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George t urned and walked back inside the office.
 
"Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.
 
"Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought. George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been.  He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator.
 
"Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.
 
As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me."
 
George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic.  He knew the wound needed attention.
 
"Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought.  The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels.  He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work."  He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance." George said, but the phone was dead.
 
"Maybe I can get one of your buddie s on that there talk box out in your police car."  He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.
 
"Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." 
 
George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya.  Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."
 
George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked.
 
"None for me," said the officer.
 
"Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city."  Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts."
 
The officer laughed and w inced at the same time.
 
The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash!  Do it now!" the young man yelled.  His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.
 
"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.
 
"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."
 
The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!"
 
The cop was reaching for his gun.  "Put that thing away," George said to the cop.  "We got one too many in here now."
 
He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve.  If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got.  Now put that pee shooter away."
 
George pulled $150 out of his po cket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time.
The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I?  All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job.  My rent is due.  My car got repossessed last week..."
 
George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."
 
He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things."  George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human.  Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."
 
The young man had stopped crying.  He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you . It just went off. I'm sorry officer."
 
"Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said.
 
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.
 
"Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.
 
"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet.  How did you find me?"

"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.
 
Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
 
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "That guy works here," the wounded cop continued.
 
"Yep," George said.  "Just hired him this morning.  Boy lost his job."
 
The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The y oung man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"
 
Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything."
 
"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box.  "Here you go. Something for the little woman.  I don't think Martha would mind.  She said it would come in handy some day."
 
The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw.
"I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to
you." 
 
"And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need."
 
George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's somethin g for that little man of yours."
 
The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too.  Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said. "Now git home to your family."
 
The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
 
"Nope.  I'm closed Christmas day," George said.  "See ya the day after."
 
George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"
 
"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger.  "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"
 
"Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree.  Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby."
 
The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder.  "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.
 
The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people.
 
That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
 
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.
 
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing.  And when your days are done you will be with Martha again."  The stranger moved toward the door. "If you wi ll excuse me, George, I have to go now.  I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."
 
George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the
room.  "You see, George,------- it's My birthday …… Merry Christmas!
A True Fairy tale...

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl Said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.  
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known …..ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:  "What do you do at  Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class:  "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve Brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then We come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door  And hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait  For Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said.  "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do At Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We Put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to  Leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen,

What do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes Home from the office.  We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we Drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the  Empty shelves... And begin to sing: “What A. Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .."

The three Dolls in a man's life are:
1........ His Daughter, 'Baby doll'
 
2.........His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll' 

Wait for it 
3.....His Wife, 'Panadol' 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?

Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowns, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room and says, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question ~ ~ ~ "Joe, answer this for me.
Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Colin Powell!"

Jennifer a manager at The Warehouse had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch... When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Warehouse near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Warehouse from now on.

A woman was out golfing one day, when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,
'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : this is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers : The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.. now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
  
As soon as she finished her speech,  all the men started clapping . .

CORPORATE SHAKE-UP 

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! 

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" 

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" 

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." 

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" 

From across the room a voice said, "He is the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Have Lunch With God – Bring Chips!
A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave… but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"
He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?"
She replied, "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally!


Have lunch with God… bring chips!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. 
 
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
 
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki  Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we  learned in class." 
 
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 
 
We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you  might have.  Could you tell us what it is?" 
 
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
 
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." 
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
 
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"
A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell is that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Mercedes and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club.  But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
An artist, a lawyer and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill that comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy.
Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife.
And I can spend all night on the computer!" 
This bloke was sitting in his attorney's office.
His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE ...

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,

yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
 

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink  I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell  happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When 20 they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all  get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pre gnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry &n bsp;

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afterno on at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may=2 0make you think you are whispering when you are not

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20 .
And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following to you my dear friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer.
He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "Every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the
man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh!
Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
Choose a number between 1 and 9 of the times in a weel that you sould like to dine out.
Multiply it by 2
Add 5
Multiply it by 50

If your birthday has already passed, add 1757
If your birthday has not yet passed, add 1756

Subtract the year in which you were born (eg. 1954)

You now have a three digit number.
The first one is the number of times you would like to dine out
The last two is your age !!!!!!!!

This only works for 2007 but if one of you clever people can jiggle with the numbers to make it work for 2008, please let me know.
A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he clocks out of his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."
EXERCISE REGIME

Begin by STANDING on your dignity.
BREATH a sigh of relief and KICK-START the day by - - - - -
POINTING out problems, BALANCING your assets
PRESSING a point BENDING the rules
HANGING in there and PUSHING your luck

Keep a RUNNING commentary going by
HOPPING up and down JUMPING to conclusions
STRETCHING a point DODGING the issue and
POSING a few difficult questions.

Then when thoroughly warmed up, continue by
WRESTLING with the problems PULLING no punches
BENDING over backwards TACKLING all arguments
EVADING the issue FLYING off the handle
BEATING about the bush KICKING asses
PULLING a fast one SKIPPING the occasional meal

Then end by
FLEXING your authority
SLAPPING on an ultimatum and
WORKING-OUT a solution

After a hard day's effort you can then PULL UP your sox and JOG home for a well-earned rest.
A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord,

I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

The Lord led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'

It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.'

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.

Remember that I will always share my spoon with you.
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and  started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park
Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger.
But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work .....

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT fucking happy!"
So I said, "Which fucking one ARE you then?"
That's how the fight started. ...
The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
Apologies in advance for this one !!! GRIN

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.
I named him Mohammed.
This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.
My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. 
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy
so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. 
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. 
The paramedic  lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. 
Connor began to cry. 
She thought about what she had just witnessed. 
Kathleen quickly responded, 
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack him again!"
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. 
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. 
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. 
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening,
so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in
bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to
get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. 
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. 
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed
out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize." 
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming
over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in
with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

1st Place.
And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. 
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. 
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat".

The 4 Stages of Life -

1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause

Men's Rules.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.

Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

What Gender Is It?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider.... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. 
We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?"
 "Normally, yes. But you have B.C. Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.

"B.C. Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following:
               
 Thank you for calling heaven.

 For English press 1

 For Spanish press 2

 For all other languages, press 3

 Please select one of the following options:

 Press 1 for request

 Press 2 for thanksgiving

 Press 3 for complaints

 Press 4 for all others
        
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:

 God, press 1

 Jesus, press 2

 Holy spirit, press 3

 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

 (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
                      
 For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
           
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

 Thank you and have a heavenly day.

 Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day 

Dear Editor- I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, If you see it in The Sun, it's so. Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Back ground

Yes, Virginia, It's a Special Occasion

By Rick Horowitz

I want to talk about even bigger anniversary, the 100th anniversary of arguably the most famous editorial ever to appear in a newspaper in this country.

It happened in New York City, where a century ago a Dr. Philip O'Hanlon, coroner's assistant, came face-to-face with a minor family crisis. In 1897, O'Hanlon's daughter - his only child - came to him in some confusion. She'd been talking to her friends, and what she heard from those friends worried her. Could her father help her out?

He did what any father would do under the circumstances: He passed the buck. He suggested she write a letter to the newspaper instead - to The Sun. They'd have an answer she could rely on, he told her.

If you see it in The Sun, he liked to say, it's so. So that's what she did: Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon - yes, Virginia O'Hanlon - sent her letter off to the newspaper.

Now, working at The Sun at that time was a man named Francis Pharcellus Church. He'd been a Civil War correspondent for The New York Times, editor of The Army and Navy Journal, editor of Galaxy literary magazine. He'd been with The Sun for 20 years, and in 1897, he was: an editorial writer.

When Church's boss gave him O'Hanlon's letter, Church was not a happy man. He bristled, the boss later reported. He pooh-poohed. And I can't really blame him; editorial writers have better things to do with their time - or so I'm told - than responding to letters from eight-year-olds.

But he did it anyway.

It was no big deal. In fact, the day it ran, it was the seventh editorial on the page - after editorials on state and local and regional politics, on British naval strength in the Atlantic, on plans for a Canadian railroad to help bring back gold from the Yukon. Even after an editorial on a newfangled chainless� bicycle.

But the editorial ran. It ran on September 21, 1897, exactly 100 years ago tomorrow.

And its title was Virginia's very own question: Is There a Santa Claus?�

You may have seen it once or twice...

It's not just the most famous, but the most beloved editorial of all -beloved by readers, and especially beloved by editors. After all, they don't have to write another Christmas piece of their own every year - they can just slap Francis Church and Yes, Virginia� up there and go directly to the office party.

Now, as we mark this special occasion, I ask you not to grieve too much for a time when newspapers had the space - and the staff - to run seven editorials a day. For a time where people still believed, If you see it in the paper, it's so.�

And put aside for a moment the perfectly reasonable question, What's a Christmas editorial doing running in the middle of September?�

Instead, I ask you to join me in celebrating Virginia O'Hanlon, who wrote the letter, and Francis Church, who provided, not just the answer, but a valuable lesson for all of us in this business.

And that lesson is: You never know. You never know which of your efforts will grab people, and which of your words might be headed for immortality.

So, a toast to opinions that last: Yes, Virginia - and Yes, Francis Pharcellus Church - Happy 100th Anniversary!

(Background Information) Copyright 1997 Rick Horowitz All Rights Reserved

 

Anger management...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take  it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out  on someone you don't know. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten  to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,  "Hello". 

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin  Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.  I had transposed  the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"  and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'ass! hole' next to it, and put it  in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or  had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'  calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this  is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if  you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and  slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. 

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had  patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting  for the spot.  The idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window - so, I wrote down his  number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had  his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole,  too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is." 

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" 

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the  car's parked right out in front." 

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my  speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it  used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my  black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start  saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right  now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying ! that I lived at  1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West  34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of  six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. 
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Subject: Little Johnny's at it again!

 Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

All I wanted to say was "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year".....

I ran it past the Legal Dept as per procedures and this is what came back.......

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee. 

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:- 

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. 

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of  the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain  jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until  the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. 

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law.

Anyway - have a good one

How To Become Australian

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on

>the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's arse (or bottom for you ladies).

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's arse, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice)
"Sorry sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." 
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Bunnings anymore either."

Lawyers....

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer's are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Oh my God" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex ?".

In the spirit of Christmas??

14th December
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. 
What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.  
With deep affection,

Your ever loving Agnes.


15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love, Agnes

16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

Your loving Agnes

17th December
Dear John
What can I say ? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes

18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you  think I can do with them all ? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours, Agnes

 

20th December
What is it with you and these fucking birds ? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place ! Is it some sort of god damned joke ? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds !!!

Agnes.

 

21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking ? Its not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long. FUCK OFF !!!!!!!

Agnes.

 

22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on ??? You mentalist. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.

 

23rd December
You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows cant sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!

 

24th December
Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you bastard. Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

 

25th December
You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids ? They've probably drowned in the cow shit byn ow. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you,  Agnes.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. Christmas with Louise as a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before

Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do! ?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would park, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?", Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang ! on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Think outside the square !!!

HOW MANY DO YOU GET RIGHT!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Reece what is your problem?" Reece answered,
"I'm  too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Reece to the principal's office.
While Reece waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Reece was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Reece: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Reece: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Reece can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Reece both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Reece, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Reece replied, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Reece: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Reece: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Reece was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Reece: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Reece: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Reece: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Reece: Tent

 Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Reece: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Reece: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Reece: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Reece: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Reece  in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They've set up their tent, and they have fallen asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend, saying "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi."
 "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."

Santa's Xmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That
I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
" The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
Then a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pairs of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. 
As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says
"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra."
He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower
and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have
to keep using your girdle."
Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife
grabbed his penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I
wouldn't have to keep using your brother."
Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected into congress in 1946

Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head

Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by a Southerner
Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are made of fifteen letters

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And last but not least:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe !!!

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, 
so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, 
"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing cricket without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n
Female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.....A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutes

LEAST WE FORGET...." THE STRANGER

There was a man at Christmas time who looked so out of place, As people rushed about him at a hurried sort of pace. He stared at all the Christmas lights, the tinsel everywhere. The shopping center Santa Claus' with children gathered near.

The music from a stereo was playing loud and clear, Of Santa Claus' and snowmen and a funny-nosed reindeer. He heard the people talk about the good times on the way, Of parties, fun, and food galore and gifts exchanged that day.

"I'd like to know what's going on," the man was heard to say, "There seems to be some sort of celebration on the way. And would you tell me who this is all dressed in red and white? And why are children asking him about a special night?" The answer came in disbelief, "I can't believe my ears! I can't believe you do not know that Christmas time is here! The time when Santa comes around with gifts for girls and boys. When they're asleep on Christmas eve, he brings them books and toys!"

"The man you see in red and white is Santa Claus so sly. The children love his joyful laugh and the twinkle in his eye. They learn to love this jolly man while they are still quite small. When Christmas comes, he is the most important one of all!"

The stranger hung His head in shame, he looked at nail-pierced hands. His body shook in disbelief, t'was not as He had planned. A shadow crossed His stricken face, His voice was low but clear. "After all these years they still don't know." 
And Jesus shed a tear

CHOOSING HYMNS

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money, and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

The Perfect Husband
 There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: 
"Hello?"  
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club? 
"Yes. 
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" 
"What's the price?" 
"Only $1,500.00" 
"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."  
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. 
I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What price did he quote you?" 
"Only $60,000..." 
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
 "Great! Before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"  
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. 
It's on sale!
! Remember? 
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." 
"How much are they asking?" 
 "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." 
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" 
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!!
I love you!!!"  - 
"Bye... I do too...
"The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:" 
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Santa's at it again !!! (o:
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. 
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. 
This stressed Santa even more. 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,  heaven knows where. 
More Stress. 
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. 
Totally frustrated,  Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went  to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. 
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. 
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. 
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?" 
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the  Christmas tree !!!
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. 
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and having a little kiss here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. 
You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"
What is Love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" 
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.     

See what you think: -

 "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
 "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.:"
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
 "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(I saved the best two until last.)
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."

Safe Sex
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see." replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
Cool!" says the boy. 
He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these for?"
Those are for college men." the dad answers, 
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
WOW!" exclaimed the boy; 
"Then who uses THESE ?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. 
One for January, one for February, one for March........"
If major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. 
Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger Lickin' Good
M&M's Condoms: Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the Spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
Quicken Condoms: Quicken. Easy

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop
Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
TAC Condoms: Speed kills
Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
Ericsson Condoms: Smaller
Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure
Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women
FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time
Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
Red Rooster Condoms: The Chicken is Ready!
Weet Bix Condoms: Aussie Kids....(hey isn't it KIWI kids?)

I thought this forward was actually worth sending.

I've learned- 
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every
once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. 
It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned- 
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 
Send this to all the people YOU

BELIEVE IN...

I just did.

Imagine this happening to you. 
What would you do?
One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns. 
One of the men proclaimed, 
"Anyone willing to die for Christ remain where you are."
Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. 
Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.
The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. 
Now you may begin your service. 
Have a nice day!"
And the two men turned and walked out.

Too deep not to pass on...
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ....and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say... but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven...provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.
Or is it scary?
Funny how someone can say "I believe in God"...but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire...but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday...but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

Are you thinking?

Stupid

1. I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

2. I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that convenience store would have a battery for it?" "Hmmm, I dunno, but let me see your key ring for a second." As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

4. Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

5. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

6. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386. " He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thingy?, you know, the one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i?" ...and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

7. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and had then gone back to make himself a sandwich.

8. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. I instinctively tried the door handle on the passenger's side and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side...I'll have the driver's door open in just another couple of minutes."-

9. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page.
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo that I didn't want anyone else to read, so I folded it in half so that only the recipient would open it and read it."

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. 
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. 
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. 
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. 
In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. 
Imagine his curiosity. 
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! 
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight.
Miss Bea brought in tea and cookies, they began to chat. 
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. 
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). 
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? 
I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. 
The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. 
And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."
The Chicken and the Horse
Once upon a time there was a horse and a chicken who were good friends.
They lived in a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into quicksand. It rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend the chicken to save him. The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away.
He ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse.
It then hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life. "Thank you!" The chicken just said, "Don't mention it -
That's what friends are for!!"
They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard. A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. He followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in quicksand! The chicken was already up to his neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.
The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken.
"Here, my friend, grab my penis and I will pull you to safety!" With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.
The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now You saved my life,  my friend!!"
And what is the moral of this story? ...
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur, would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was:  What do women really want?

Such a question would have perplexed even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody; the princess, the prostitutes, priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high as the witch was famous for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price; the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round table and Arthur's closest friend!
 Young Arthur was horrified, she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like a sewer and often made obscene noises.

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden. Gawain upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question. 

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous.
The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self. And the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice

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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of the story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if a woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb. Underneath it all, she's still a witch!!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? 
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
" The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. 
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 
"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. 
"I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. 
Frankly, you've not been much help so far.
" The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" 
"Well," said the woman,
"You don't know where you are or where you are going"
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
Be Yourself ! 
A man was complaining, "Oh Lord, please have mercy on me, I work so hard, meanwhile my wife stays at home. I would give anything if you would grant me one wish 'switch me into my wife' she's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man's life is."  
As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish. 
Next morning the 'new woman' wakes up at dawn, makes lunch boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the kids to school, on his way back stop at the gas station, cashes a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes from the cleaners, quickly goes to the market. It was 1: 00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in, he vacuumed the house, made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school and then had an argument with the kids. 
As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside. 
He helped the kids with their homework, watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner, he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep. 
At 9:00 p.m. he was so tired and he went to bed. Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep. 
The next morning he prays to God once again, "Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish, I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself, please oh please." 
Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying, "Dear son, of course I'll switch you back into yourself but there's one minor detail, you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant." 
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer. (For God's sake, man! Are you listening?!?!)
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart the next time you're making love. send send send send send................
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two

million quid.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper...

"They must have seen you coming................"

Here are some viruses to look out for. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc though out the national system. Beware of . . .
THE CLINTON VIRUS . . . (Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE VIRUS . . . (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY VIRUS . . . (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS . . . (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS . . . (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KAVORKIAN VIRUS . . .(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS . . . (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC VIRUS . . . (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS . . . (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
AND THE FAVORITE . . .

THE LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS . . . (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows)