The 4 Stages of Life -

1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause

Men's Rules.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.

Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

What Gender Is It?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider.... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. 
We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith. Can we do the test over?"
 "Normally, yes. But you have B.C. Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.

"B.C. Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following:
               
 Thank you for calling heaven.

 For English press 1

 For Spanish press 2

 For all other languages, press 3

 Please select one of the following options:

 Press 1 for request

 Press 2 for thanksgiving

 Press 3 for complaints

 Press 4 for all others
        
I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:

 God, press 1

 Jesus, press 2

 Holy spirit, press 3

 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

 (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)
                      
 For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
           
Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

 Thank you and have a heavenly day.

 Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day 

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Back ground

Yes, Virginia, It's a Special Occasion

By Rick Horowitz

I want to talk about even bigger anniversary, the 100th anniversary of arguably the most famous editorial ever to appear in a newspaper in this country.

It happened in New York City, where a century ago a Dr. Philip O'Hanlon, coroner's assistant, came face-to-face with a minor family crisis. In 1897, O'Hanlon's daughter - his only child - came to him in some confusion. She'd been talking to her friends, and what she heard from those friends worried her. Could her father help her out?

He did what any father would do under the circumstances: He passed the buck. He suggested she write a letter to the newspaper instead - to The Sun. They'd have an answer she could rely on, he told her.

If you see it in The Sun, he liked to say, it's so. So that's what she did: Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon - yes, Virginia O'Hanlon - sent her letter off to the newspaper.

Now, working at The Sun at that time was a man named Francis Pharcellus Church. He'd been a Civil War correspondent for The New York Times, editor of The Army and Navy Journal, editor of Galaxy literary magazine. He'd been with The Sun for 20 years, and in 1897, he was: an editorial writer.

When Church's boss gave him O'Hanlon's letter, Church was not a happy man. He bristled, the boss later reported. He pooh-poohed. And I can't really blame him; editorial writers have better things to do with their time - or so I'm told - than responding to letters from eight-year-olds.

But he did it anyway.

It was no big deal. In fact, the day it ran, it was the seventh editorial on the page - after editorials on state and local and regional politics, on British naval strength in the Atlantic, on plans for a Canadian railroad to help bring back gold from the Yukon. Even after an editorial on a newfangled chainless» bicycle.

But the editorial ran. It ran on September 21, 1897, exactly 100 years ago tomorrow.

And its title was Virginia's very own question: Is There a Santa Claus?»

You may have seen it once or twice...

It's not just the most famous, but the most beloved editorial of all -beloved by readers, and especially beloved by editors. After all, they don't have to write another Christmas piece of their own every year - they can just slap Francis Church and Yes, Virginia» up there and go directly to the office party.

Now, as we mark this special occasion, I ask you not to grieve too much for a time when newspapers had the space - and the staff - to run seven editorials a day. For a time where people still believed, If you see it in the paper, it's so.»

And put aside for a moment the perfectly reasonable question, What's a Christmas editorial doing running in the middle of September?»

Instead, I ask you to join me in celebrating Virginia O'Hanlon, who wrote the letter, and Francis Church, who provided, not just the answer, but a valuable lesson for all of us in this business.

And that lesson is: You never know. You never know which of your efforts will grab people, and which of your words might be headed for immortality.

So, a toast to opinions that last: Yes, Virginia - and Yes, Francis Pharcellus Church - Happy 100th Anniversary!

(Background Information) Copyright 1997 Rick Horowitz All Rights Reserved

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.!

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" 
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. 
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it - once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Subject: Little Johnny's at it again!

 Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born without ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited little
Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, little Johnny's dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt hard when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his missing ears at all," said little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it is a good thing, 'cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses."

I ran it past the Legal Dept as per procedures and this is what came back.......

From me ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. 

We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee. 

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:- 

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal. 

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of  the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain  jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until  the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. 

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

This greeting is made under English Law.

Anyway - have a good one

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. Wanting his own space, he buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region.

So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on

>the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's arse (or bottom for you ladies).

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's arse, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says (in his best Asian voice)
"Sorry sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." 
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Bunnings anymore either."

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer's are," he says.
"You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Oh my God" he screams.
"Where's my Rolex ?".

14th December
Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree. 
What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.  
With deep affection,

Your ever loving Agnes.

15th December
My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love, Agnes

16th December
Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

Your loving Agnes

17th December
Dear John
What can I say ? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes

18th December
My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.

19th December
Dear John,
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you  think I can do with them all ? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours, Agnes

20th December
What is it with you and these fucking birds ? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place ! Is it some sort of god damned joke ? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds !!!

Agnes.

21st December
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking ? Its not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long. FUCK OFF !!!!!!!

Agnes.

22nd December
Look dick head - what are you on ??? You mentalist. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play.... When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.

23rd December
You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows cant sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!

24th December
Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you bastard. Your sworn enemy, Agnes.

25th December
You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids ? They've probably drowned in the cow shit byn ow. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you,  Agnes.

Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do! ?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would park, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?", Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang ! on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

HOW MANY DO YOU GET RIGHT!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Reece what is your problem?" Reece answered,
"I'm  too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Reece to the principal's office.
While Reece waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed. Reece was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Reece: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Reece: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Reece can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Reece both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Reece, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Reece replied, "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Reece: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Reece: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Reece was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Reece: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Reece: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Reece: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Reece: Tent

 Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Reece: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Reece: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Reece: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Reece: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Reece  in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Tonto replies, "I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi."
 "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto you dickhead, someone has stolen our tent."

Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That
I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,

When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
" The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, poured himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,

The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
Then a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pairs of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head

Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln

Both were assassinated by a Southerner
Both were succeeded by Southerners

Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are made of fifteen letters

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And last but not least:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe !!!

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing cricket without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n
Female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n
Female...The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.....A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutes

There was a man at Christmas time who looked so out of place, As people rushed about him at a hurried sort of pace. He stared at all the Christmas lights, the tinsel everywhere. The shopping center Santa Claus' with children gathered near.

The music from a stereo was playing loud and clear, Of Santa Claus' and snowmen and a funny-nosed reindeer. He heard the people talk about the good times on the way, Of parties, fun, and food galore and gifts exchanged that day.

"I'd like to know what's going on," the man was heard to say, "There seems to be some sort of celebration on the way. And would you tell me who this is all dressed in red and white? And why are children asking him about a special night?" The answer came in disbelief, "I can't believe my ears! I can't believe you do not know that Christmas time is here! The time when Santa comes around with gifts for girls and boys. When they're asleep on Christmas eve, he brings them books and toys!"

"The man you see in red and white is Santa Claus so sly. The children love his joyful laugh and the twinkle in his eye. They learn to love this jolly man while they are still quite small. When Christmas comes, he is the most important one of all!"

The stranger hung His head in shame, he looked at nail-pierced hands. His body shook in disbelief, t'was not as He had planned. A shadow crossed His stricken face, His voice was low but clear. "After all these years they still don't know." 
And Jesus shed a tear

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money, and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

See what you think: -

 "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
 "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
 "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
 "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
"There are two kinds of love Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
 "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.:"
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
 "Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."
 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
(I saved the best two until last.)
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
"God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn't. That's love."

The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

Dunlop Condoms: Stick with Dunlop
Mitsubishi Condoms: Please consider
AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....
Samboy Condoms: The flavour really hits you
TAC Condoms: Speed kills
Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
Ericsson Condoms: Smaller
Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
TAG HEUER Condoms: Don't crack under pressure
Calvin Klein Condoms: Obsession for Men, Eternity for Women
FOSSIL Condoms: It's about time
Kahlua Condoms: Drink the rhythm
Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
Red Rooster Condoms: The Chicken is Ready!
Weet Bix Condoms: Aussie Kids....(hey isn't it KIWI kids?)

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned- 
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 
Send this to all the people YOU

BELIEVE IN...

I just did.

Too deep not to pass on...
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God ....and then wonder why the world's going to hell.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say... but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven...provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.
Or is it scary?
Funny how someone can say "I believe in God"...but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire...but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace...but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace.
Funny, isn't it?
Funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday...but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

Are you thinking?

1. I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

2. I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.

3. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that convenience store would have a battery for it?" "Hmmm, I dunno, but let me see your key ring for a second." As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

4. Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

5. Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

6. One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386. " He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thingy?, you know, the one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i?" ...and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

7. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and had then gone back to make himself a sandwich.

8. When my husband and I arrived at an au