It was entertainment night at the old people's home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..." 
 
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 

 
"SHIT" said the Hypnotist. 

It took three days to clean up the old people's home.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading... It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,
"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you o long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a  party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the  top of his voice,  "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,  "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
4. It encourages car pooling.
5. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
6. It eliminates holiday leave because people would rather come to work.
7. It makes fellow employees look better.
8. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
9. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are plastered.
10.Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
11.Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the pub.
12. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
13. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunchbreak.
14. Increases the chance of seeing your boss (or employee naked).
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare Bum" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross".

Live TV is Still The Best!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think twice before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....
True story...the station had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Two University students decide to make an engine that runs on vaseline. After a period of time they have accomplished this and decide to test it in a car to see how economical it is. They build the car and head out in the country and its going great about 100 miles to a small jar of vaseline. Eventually the car stops in the middle of no where around dinner time as they are out of vaseline. They both exit the car and are figuring what to do next when one of the students sees a house in the distance on a hill. What they don't know is that the people in the house have a rule that after dinner the first person who speak has to wash up. The two students arrive at the door and knock but there is no answer although they can hear the TV on. They decide to enter the house to check this out and find the entire family (Father, Mother, Daughter) sitting around the TV and not uttering a word. One of the students says "We've broken down up the road .Do you mind if we have something to drink !

? No one says anything so the two students open the fridge and take out two beers and sit on the couch with the family. They then request another beer and as no one says anything they have a second beer each. One of the students feels a bit amorous and asks the father if he minds if he has sex with his daughter and still gets no reply. He has his way with the daughter and she doesn't utter a word. The other student thinks that this is ok and asks the father if he can have sex with the wife. Still nothing is said and he has his way with the wife and she also does not utter a word. They have another beer each and still no word from anyone. As they get up to leave one of the students says "By the way does anyone have any vaseline".The father jumps up and says '"I'll do the washing up".

What hand do you wipe your bum with???

answer  I don't use any hands I use toilet paper

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison.
"Okay, dad, you get the toy."

The Bricklayer

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.

ACCIDENT CLAIM FORM REPORT FOR INJURIES .

Dear Sirs:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks You. will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident re port form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain), At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now, devoid of the weight of bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions  about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that" he  asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down  on the ground and spread her wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in  here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she  managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for  bees" said Tarzan.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.

Toward the end of the golf course, Eddie somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden 'POOF'! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life;
better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then 'POOF'! She was gone.
After Eddie got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. 
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Eddie yells back, "DON'T SWING FRED!!!
For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

A few facts to get your brain in gear.

1. Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.
2. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
3. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
4. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
5. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you're heart stops for a mili-second.
6. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no-one reported a single case where and ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).
7. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
8. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit
9. Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.
10. By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary School.
11. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
12. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
13. Rats and horses can't vomit.
14. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tounge twister in the English language.
15. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck. If you could keep your eyes open by force, they would pop out.
16. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
17. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
18. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
19. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
20. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
21. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
22. A duck's quack doesn't echo anywhere, and no one knows why.
23. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
24. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
25. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
26. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
27. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Now, did you try to lick your elbow ???

The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986.
Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970.
The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979.
Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981.
Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974.
Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995.
Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856.
Be Married and Like It; 1937.
Pranks With the Mouth; 1879.
Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983.

I, for one am sick of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do, baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right......I would give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be fifteen dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars for these teachers to baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach a day.. maybe 25. Then that's 15x25 =$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year. I 'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... that's 375x180 = $67,500.00 (hold on my calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers or the ones with masters degrees?
Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 hour. That would be $6 x 5 hours x25 children x180 days  =$135,000 per year.
Wait there must be something wrong here!
THERE SURE IS!!!

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, on the other hand, he could be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce (theoretically speaking).

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing  them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the chep pallet.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as is the case in the U.S.A., but a fine example of Australian footwear. Therefore, a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had first hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced  to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the late 1800s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but also to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, then it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one  that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be 'down on your luck' than 'up yourself'.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he will have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event, or party, within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, then you're not trying.

22. Unless of ethnic origin, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front verandah. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence are acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the esky is always too small, creating a food-versus-alcohol battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad or bread rolls at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women can be tougher.

27. The chief test of personal strength is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." Nostradamus, 1555

Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft****

Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft ****

Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft ***

My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft ***

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George

W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy  frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft ***

Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple

Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft ***

My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. . . . Crumple crumple crumple

 Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft ***

Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. . . . Ah, forget it.

I wanted you to know that I got a hold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election. 
 "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be  watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
 "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
 "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election. "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off. "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

"All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make  Hillary my Vice President.

"What a pisser."

Top o' the mornin' to ya
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish we don't have too much programming experience, so this Virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Tank you for your cooperation.

Paddy

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

 4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone; "I think we have a Code 3 in Homeware".

5. Put M & M's on layby.

6. Move "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs to the carpeted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the Sporting Section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, start crying and ask; "Why won't people leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror to pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Sporting Section, ask the salesperson if the gun is sold with a prescription for anti-depressants.

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the Auto Dept practise your Madonna look by using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, jump out and yell; "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the P.A. system, assume the foetal position and scream; "Not the voices again!"

15. Go into the Fitting Room and call out loudly; "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here".

There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:

Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?

And more..................

Some food for "Thought".......

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"