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Stories / Prayers / Tales - July
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What Nationality was Jesus
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he
was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all---3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was
more work to do.
Amen!!! |
U2 Concert - A True Story
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in silence he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"
A voice from near the front pierces the silence,
"Well, stop f**king doing it then!" |
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred
notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.
At
first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never
mentioned it so why should he.
But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress
about it;
even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It
was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about
it.
"Is
this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No,
silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another
boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No,
not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is
it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No,
no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well,
who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's
me 6 months ago" |
Singing In
Church
A minister decided to do something a
little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and
you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn
that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD
RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the
sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX."
The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to
say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a
little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "
MEMORIES."
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE OLD LADIES
|
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
C'mon guys, we laugh at your blond jokes!) And my personal
favourite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) |
REVERSE IT!
I think the life cycle is all backwards and we
should reverse it.
You should start out dead and get it all out of the way..
Then you wake up in an Old Age ahome, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy and go and collect your
pension,
When you start work you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and
you get ready for High School.
You go to Primary school, become a kid, you play, have no
responsibilities, you become a baby.
Then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury
in spa-like conditions, central heating room service on tap,
larger quarters every day - and then you finish off as an
orgasm!
I rest my case.
|
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to
keep her company.
So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog.
As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered , "I'M LONELY TOO. BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU
WONT BE SORRY."
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince.
The Prince Then Kissed The Old Lady Back..........
And Guess What The Old Lady Turned Into?
Come On Guess?
Ooooooohhhhhhh Come On
She Turned Into The First Motel She Could Find.
She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!! |
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
and I was "fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny
before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried |
GOLF BALLS
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf
balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" |
God love the woman who shared this............
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of
easy, painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night.
Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of
those cold wax kits.
No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart press it to
your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl
but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA
THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh
how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling,
but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side
of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I
inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded
from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half
of the strip. S&%T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is
swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt,
that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. S&%T I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of
my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I
make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I
put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut.
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do
and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My
head may pop off" Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax
covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off
right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! God bless the man that
convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my
friend thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how
to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt
and who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She
doesn't have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from
me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by
now...I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's
night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain
is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into
glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to
remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point.
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the
kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend
and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.................
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......................ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... |
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he
leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......on one condition."
(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words. "(controlling huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully
said....
"Clean my house." |
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're
sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about
this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into
having one. After awhile he gives
in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the
drink and puts the following on the bar: a saltshaker, a shot of
Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items
quizzically and the woman explains it to him.
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink
the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink
the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot
of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is
OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ....
In one second the sharp lime taste hits......
At two seconds the Baileys curdles ....
At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,
"Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job." |
|
THE COWBOY
Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their
respective flights.
One was a lanky, brash, gun-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American
Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student.
They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab
student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet.
"Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and
we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to
reservations. I often wonder why"
"Three hundred years ago" sneered the student, "Islam was unknown
here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why
that is?"
The cowboy stretched his legs our, pushed his Stetson to the back of
his head and drawled,
"Waaal, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims
yet - but Ah reckon it's a'comin'" |
CORPORATE LESSON #1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her shower when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"
Moral of the Story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
CORPORATE LESSON #2
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
apologized,
Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the Story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.
CORPORATE LESSON #3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.
" Poof! She's gone. "Me next!
Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Poof!
He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the Story: Always let your boss have the first say.
CORPORATE LESSON #4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.
CORPORATE LESSON #5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the
tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there. |
"Shit Happens"... and its religious definitions:
TAOISM ------------- Shit Happens.
BUDDHISM ----------- Shit happening is an illusion
CONFUCIANISM ------- Confucius says, "Shit happens".
ZEN ---------------- What is the sound of shit happening?
ADVAITA ------------ To whom does this shit happen?
ISLAM -------------- Shit happening is the will of Allah.
CATHOLICISM -------- If shit happens, you deserve it.
PROTESTANTISM ------ Let shit happen to someone else.
ORTHODOX ----------- Our shit is very special.
JUDAISM ------------ Why does this shit always happen to us?
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS --- Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
CALVINISM ---------- Shit happens because you don't work hard
enough.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE -- If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
MORMONISM ---------- If shit happens ... Fuck it!
HINDUISM ----------- This shit has happened before.
HARE KRISHNA ------- Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Shit Shit, Happens
Happens.
ATHEISM ------------ Shit happens for no reason at all.
AGNOSTIC ----------- Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
STOICISM ----------- So shit happens ... I can take it.
PAGANISM ----------- Shit is a part of the Goddess too.
SCIENTOLOGY -------- Join a course and you'll know why shit happens.
RASTAFARIANISM ----- Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
LAOTSEISM ---------- The shit that can be described is not the
absolute shit.
OSHOISM ------------ If you don't see shit in my eyes, in my gesture
and in my silence, you will never find it in my words.
BYRONKATIESM ------- What would you be without that shit?
BACHISM ------------ If you give a few drops of this shit in a
bottle and take it four times daily, you are able to better bear all
the other shit.
YOGANANDAISM ------- Always concentrate on the shit on the top of
your head.
RUMIISM ------------ Love that shit.
FREUDISM ----------- Let's talk about your shit since childhood.
PAPAJISM ----------- There is no shit.
SATSANGISM --------- Damned, why dont shit understand that shit
already is that shit?!
TANTRISM ----------- Breath deeply into the shit.
AVATARISM ---------- I am the source of all this shit.
ASTROLOGISM -------- Tell me your birthdate and I tell you the
exactly second when your mothers aunt will have her next shit.
SANNYASISM --------- The shit of my master tastes better then yours.
YOGISM ------------- Press your ass and keep it inside.
VIPASSANAISM ------- Watch that shit ... passing your body ... as it
naturally flows.... |
|
A survey of 500 women in the UK asked
"Would you sleep with Shane Warne ?"
75% answered - "Not again ....!".
25% answered - "Which one was him....!" |
The Deaf Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for
ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was
considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the
first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not
be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million dollar is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for
sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money
is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he
say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls
to pull the trigger.
Don't ya just love lawyers? |
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the
country and bought a donkey from an old farmer
for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey
the next day. The next day the farmer drove up
and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad
news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." |
| Redneck medical terms
Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by |
The navy found they had too many
officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They
promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in
his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer, who accepted, asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at 6 feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He
walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old captain who, when asked where he
would like to be measured replied " from the tip of my penis to
my testicles " It was suggested by the pension man that he
might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the
previous two officers had received.
But the old captain insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing a medical officer took the measurement.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the captain to "
drop em" which he did. The medical officer placed the tape
measure on the tip of the captain's penis and began to work
back ...
" My God " he suddenly explained, " where are your
testicles ?
The captain calmly replied " Vietnam " |
| A woman recently lost her husband.
Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She
had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him,
and tracing her fingers in
the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised
me?" She answered by saying, "I
bought it with the insurance money!" She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still
tracing her finger in the ashes, she
said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well
...... here it comes..." |
| A woman was standing in front of the
bathroom mirror, admiring herself in her expensive new outfit. her
husband looking on with disinterest; remarks, "your bum is the
size of a three burner
B.B.Q!" Later that evening, tucked up and
cosy in bed, he lent over, Tapped her on the shoulder and asked hopefully; "how about
it?" She replied" its hardly worth
lighting the B.B.Q for half a saugage!" |
| Fractured Fairytale
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life
with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her
front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the
Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy
Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is
there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella
was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath,
she uttered her first wish:
"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.
Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat,
jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the
porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can
do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I
wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth
again".
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings
inside her that had been dormant for years. A
long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one
more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella
looks over to the frightened cat in the corner
and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a
change in his biological make-up that, when complete,
he stood before her, a man so beautiful the
likes of which neither she nor the world had ever
seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations,
Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And,
with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked
into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless,
gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she
had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella,
who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and
held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned
in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath as he whispered:
.........."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now" |
A man decides that he wants a pet, but
not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He
walks into the pet store and goes up to the
service assistant.
'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really
unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I
have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'.
'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!' The man takes
the centipede home in his little box and places him
on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says,
'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the
pub for a beer?'
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks,
'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask
again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the
centipede, 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to
the pub for a beer?'
Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy
thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come
back and ask him again'. Half an hour passes
and the guy returns to the centipede.
'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a
beer?'
The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For *uck's sake
man, I heard you the first time.... I'm putting my shoes
on! |
The parachutes
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board
but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball
player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die..." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of
the former President of the United States, I
am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am
also a New York Senator and a potential future President."
She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Howard , said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia, I have a great responsibility
being the leader of a great nation. And above
all I'm the most intelligent Prime Minister in
Australian history, so Australia's people won't let me die".
So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am old and frail and I
don't have many years left, as a Christian I
will sacrifice my life and let you have the
last parachute.
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for you.
Australia's most intelligent Prime Minister
has taken my school backpack. |
| A British doctor says, "Medicine
in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one
man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six
weeks."
A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can
take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him
looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says: "In my country
medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two
weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says:
"You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out
of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half of the country is
looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war. |
A young boy approaches his father and
asks, "Dad, what is politics all
about?" Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it to
you this way...I'm the bread winner of the
family, so let's call me 'Capitalism.'
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call her the 'Government.'
We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People.'
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class.' And, finally,
your baby brother...we'll call him 'The
Future.' Now, think about that and see if it
makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his
mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny. He
gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy
says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says,
"Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies,
"Well, While Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit." |
A priest was driving along and saw nun
on the side of the road he stopped and offered
her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says
"Father remember psalm 129."
The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable
to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg
again. The Nun once again says "Father
remember psalm 129"
Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the
flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.
Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up
psalm 129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK,
FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY" |
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of
boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down
the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her
skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no
gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one,
neither!" |
I was at a stop light, behind a car
with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if
you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird,
and yelled "Can't you see the light is
still red, you fucking moron?" |
An old man lived alone in Palestine.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was
very hard work. His only son, who would have
helped him, was in an Israeli prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE,
Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen Israeli soldiers showed up
and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him
what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. This is the best I can do for you at this time." |
Chinese Torture!!
A young man is wandering lost in a forest when he comes upon a
small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese
man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly",
the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the
three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
The man agreed, thinking that the daughter
must be pretty old as well, and entered the
house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously
attracted to the young man as well, as she
couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the
meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored
her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her
room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back
to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw
a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese
Torture 1: Large rock on chest.
Well, that's easy, he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the
window and threw it out. As he did so, he
noticed another note on it that read:
Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better
than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign
on the ground that read:
Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post. |
| Let's see if I
understand how America works lately...
If a woman burns her thighs
on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap
while driving, she blames the restaurant.
If your teen-age son kills
himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or
musician he liked.
If you smoke three packs a
day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your
family blames the tobacco company.
If your daughter gets
pregnant by the football captain you blame the
school for poor sex education.
If your neighbor crashes
into a tree while driving home drunk, you
blame the bartender.
If your cousin gets AIDS
because the needle he used to shoot heroin was
dirty, you blame the government or not providing clean
ones.
If your grandchildren are
brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person
breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet,
and the passengers kill him instead, the
mother of the deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long
to understand the world as it is anymore. So
if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front
of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates |
| The 5 questions most
feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions
so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.
QUESTION #1: WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm
sorry if I've been quiet dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely
is one of the following:
1. Football.
2. Sex.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best
response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, Who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would
be talking to you!"
QUESTION #2: DO YOU LOVE ME?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more
detailed answer is in order,
"Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses
include:
1. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who? Me?
QUESTION #3: DO I LOOK FAT?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly
thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #4: DO YOU THINK
SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME? Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
3. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
4. Define pretty.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.
QUESTION #5: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED? A
definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and Boat". No
matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour
of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (WITH A HURTFUL LOOK ON HER FACE) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures
of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: ---silence---
Man: Shit. |
The Ol' In &
Out
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes
across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches
them, bends down and starts to stroke one of
them. "Ah, you're lovely, aren't
you?" she says to the first dog.
"What's your name?"
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her,
"My name's Huey, and I've had
a great day going in and out of puddles."
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog.
"And what's your name
then?"
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Louie, and I've had
a great day going in and out of puddles."
And so she moves on to the last dog.
"Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewey, and
you've had a great day
going in and out of puddles
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and
I've had an awful day." |
| Three guys are
invited to a special party. The theme is 'emotions' and they're
wondering just what they'll wear.
The first guy gets a
brainwave and dashes off to get his costume. The second
guy thinks for a moment and he too, gets an idea and runs off.
The third
guy (who just happens to come from India) prays for a moment, gains enlightenment and also
runs off to get his costume.
The Big Night arrives and the front door is guarded by two burly bouncers.
The bouncers are asking
people as they come in just what emotion they represent.
The first guy walks up
dressed only in a red jump-suit. The bouncers pull him aside and say "Ok mate, just what emotion
are you?" The first guy answers "I'm
red with Anger" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in.
A moment later, The second
guy walks up dressed only in a green jump-suit.
The bouncers also pull him
aside and say "Ok mate, what emotion are you?" The second guy answers "I'm green with
Envy" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in too.
Five minutes later, The
third guy (from India) walks up dressed only in his Turban, but has his p*nis in a bowl of custard. The
bouncers look at him and
pi*s themselves laughing, while wiping away the tears from laughter they ask "Ok mate and just
what emotion are you?" (Indian accent
essential)
He answers "Oh my
goodness gracious me, can't you tell I'm f**king dis-custard" |
An Asian man
walked into the currency exchange in New York
with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000
yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money
than he had gotten during the previous week.
The lady says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before
slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc
you Amelicans too!" |
| Medical Alert....
Are you aware of the
discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the Anal
Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe
me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it
doesn't bring a tear to your eye. |
| The Deaf Parents
A young guy out on the town with
his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor.
Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to
her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to
accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man
arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his
amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she
exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll
introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish
getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf
mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room,
introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can
imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are
completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the
soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of
complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her
skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her
ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her
over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in
his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into
eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a
further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up
her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water
over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two
more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded
this strange behaviour and the daughter returns fully dressed ready
for their date.
The evening is a complete disaster
with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the
living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, What's the
matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you,"
replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened
while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. After
pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man
reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from
her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties
and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I
see," says the girl.
The boy then says "Your Dad leans your Mum over the couch and
does her from behind.
He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye
lid.'
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird
practice.
"It's easy," she explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are
you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No,
fuck you. I'm watching the match. |
The Swimming Race
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The
first has no arms, the second no legs, and the
third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're
all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but
the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head
sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes
first. He can still see bubbles coming from
the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive
down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the
pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and
spluttering. Eventually the head catches his
breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years
I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears.
Then five seconds before the whistle, some
bastard puts a swimming cap on me." |
| The Four Nuns
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local
Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off.
They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon
as you get back Monday morning I want you to
confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns
agree, and ran off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun
goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me,
Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did
you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for
a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and
drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to
chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She
says, "I was driving my brother's car
down the street in front of his house, and I hit
a neighbor’s dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to
heaven for half a minute, then says, "You
are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun
is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you
do?" She says,
"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The
priest looks up at heaven for a full five
minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink
the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down
her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody
funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I
peed in the holy water..." |
Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,
but you can't beat a blowjob
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they
get.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck
and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann
and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for
months.
Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy ?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. |
A man walks up to a woman in his
office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a
sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong
with your co-worker complimenting you on how
nice your hair smells?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget." |
A bus stops and two Italian men get
on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our
sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spella 'Mississippi'." |
| A preacher wanted to raise money for
his church and on being told that there was a
fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a
donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local
paper carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and this time it won. The
paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey
in another race. The next paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give
it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper
headline the next day read:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
ten dollars. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy
back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day |
| Two elderly gentlemen, who had been
without sex for several years decided they
needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the
Madame took one look at them and decided that they haven't had
sex in so long that in the dark they wouldn't
be able to tell the difference between real
women and blow-up dolls.
She wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old
farts. She decided to use the blow-up dolls
instead. She put the dolls in each man's room,
turned out the lights, led the men to their rooms, and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they
started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She
never moved, talked, or groaned...........how
was it for you?" The second man replied,
"I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "Why's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "I bit her on the
tit........ she farted and flew out the
window! |
| Once upon a time, there was an officer
of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who
showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship
approaching, and the crew became
frantic.
Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and
while wearing the
brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the
triumph of earlier. One of them asked the
Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your
red shirt before battle?"
The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack,
the shirt would not show
my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly
man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not
two, but TEN pirate
ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada
arrayed against his
ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." |
| 
