Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did.. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case........... kiss me, Hardy

'I'll alter him!

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

A handful of 7 year old children were asked  'What they thought of beer'.Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer  makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.  '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at  parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady,  7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have  too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer.The more he drinks, the better he dances.One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on  my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

Thought you might like to know "How to Recognise a Gay Terrorist.
His name is: "YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN"

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'
And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

Anna Bligh is the Premier of Queensland.

Anna Bligh was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Anna, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Anna.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Anna.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Anna.

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Anna Bligh’s chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old North Queensland farmer,who cut it on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fellow is what they call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost tortoise was. The old farmer said:

"When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a fencepost tortoise."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain: "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there,he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,and you just have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in thefirst place."

Ultimate Blonde Story

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You 'B*tch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles...... 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

2. It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure."

3. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

4. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and  he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

11. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

12. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

13. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

14. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

15. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

16. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.  She saw a beautiful banquet table.  Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. 
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.  "Hello - How are you!  We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 
"This is such a wonderful place!  How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?"  the woman asked. "  Love." 
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', 
and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. 

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. 
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.  "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "
I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.  
And then I won the multi-state lottery. 
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. 
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. 
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. 
I fell and hit my head, and here I am. 
What a bummer!  
How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia." 

Moral of the story:  Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to pay later!

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it, you'll really love my place."
"The grass is almost a foot high"

Three men were waiting at Dallas Airport for their respective flights.
One was a lanky, brash, gun-chewing cowboy, one an elderly American Indian and the other a Fundamentalist Arab Student.
They got into conversation but when it was known that the Arab student was a devout radical Muslim, all were quiet.
"Three hundred years ago" said the Indian, "My people were many, and we roamed all over this vast land. Now we are few, and confined to reservations. I often wonder why"
"Three hundred years ago" sneered the student, "Islam was unknown here. Now there are thousands of Muslims everywhere. Do you know why that is?"
The cowboy stretched his legs our, pushed his Stetson to the back of his head and drawled,
"Waaal, Ah guess that's because we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet - but Ah reckon it's a'comin'"

A survey of 500 women in the UK asked "Would you sleep with Shane Warne ?"

75% answered - "Not again ....!".

25% answered - "Which one was him....!"

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long- forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete, he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:

.........."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now"

A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says: "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks.

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half of the country is looking for work, and the other half is preparing for war.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government or not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that everyone is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

QUESTION #1: WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? 
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been quiet dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." 
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1. Football.
2. Sex.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, Who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

QUESTION #2: DO YOU LOVE ME?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
1. Oh Yeah, shit loads.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter? 
5. Who? Me?

QUESTION #3: DO I LOOK FAT?
The correct answer is an emphatic:
 "Of course not!" 
Among the incorrect answers are:
1. Compared to what? 
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #4: DO YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTIER THAN ME? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" 
Incorrect responses include:
1. Yes, but you have a better personality.
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
3. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
4. Define pretty.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

QUESTION #5: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I DIED? A definite no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and Boat". No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (WITH A HURTFUL LOOK ON HER FACE) Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
Woman: ---silence---
Man: Shit.

The first guy gets a brainwave and dashes off to get his costume. The second guy thinks for a moment and he too, gets an idea and runs off.

The third guy (who just happens to come from India) prays for a moment, gains enlightenment and also runs off to get his costume. 
The Big Night arrives and the front door is guarded by two burly bouncers.

The bouncers are asking people as they come in just what emotion they represent.

The first guy walks up dressed only in a red jump-suit. The bouncers pull him aside and say "Ok mate, just what emotion are you?" The first guy answers "I'm red with Anger" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in.

A moment later, The second guy walks up dressed only in a green jump-suit.

The bouncers also pull him aside and say "Ok mate, what emotion are you?" The second guy answers "I'm green with Envy" - The bouncers nod and he is allowed in too.

Five minutes later, The third guy (from India) walks up dressed only in his Turban, but has his p*nis in a bowl of custard. The bouncers look at him and pi*s themselves laughing, while wiping away the tears from laughter they ask "Ok mate and just what emotion are you?" (Indian accent essential)

He answers "Oh my goodness gracious me, can't you tell I'm f**king dis-custard"

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole? It is called the Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mum is busy knitting.

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behaviour and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl.
The boy then says "Your Dad leans your Mum over the couch and does her from behind. 
He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.' 
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easy," she explained. Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck you. I'm watching the match.

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and ran off. 
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." 
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. 
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." 
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. 
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says,
"Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? 
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex? 
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? 
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? 
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... 
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? 
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? 
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? 
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world? 
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy ? 
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? 
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The next paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day

Madame took one look at them and decided that they haven't had sex in so long that in the dark they wouldn't be able to tell the difference between real women and blow-up dolls.

She wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old farts. She decided to use the blow-up dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room, turned out the lights, led the men to their rooms, and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked, or groaned...........how was it for you?" The second man replied,

"I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "Why's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "I bit her on the tit........ she farted and flew out the window!

Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly coloured frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."