Jokes
/ Stories / Prayers / Tales - June
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Thursday, 21 December 2006 04:56:52 PM
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SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that
Reads, “Low
Bridge
Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand.
|
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Due to the current financial situation caused
by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40
years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times
as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Management
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that You do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to
the attention of your Supervisor
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Enjoy the Holidays!
Sincerely,
The Management |
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first
blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror an d says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A
friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was
about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he
crossed the Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police di! spatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all
my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman." |
|
Why do you run when a blonde throws a pin at you
?????
She's holding the grenade |
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me,
do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, Fwuffy bwack wabbit,
or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
Knees, leans forward and whispers ...
" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk." |
A LITTLE FLAB
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could
get rid of your control top panty hose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could
get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by
his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool
man, and your brother. |
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If Only!!!!!!!! If
the World was fair to Guys...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the
arse and a 'cheers for the
sex' would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February
so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go
drinking.
5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football'
would be 'Friday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.'
6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
8. Every woman that worked would have to do so
topless.
9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-arse
answer you responded with would
actually reduce your fine. Example Cop: 'Do you know how fast you
were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my
beer all over the place.' Cop:
'Nice one, that's $20 off.'
10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style
again.
11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail
Free' cards per year.
12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to
you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen when the ball goes out of play.
14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed as an acceptable response
to 'I love you.'
15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be
the CEO.
16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be
an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.
17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for
violating the public ugliness
ordinance.
18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name
again?' cards.
19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work
every time.
21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone
driving under that would be fined.
22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss
would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the
duration of those breaks.
23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your
sister' to your wife/girlfriend
would get the response, 'What a great idea!'
24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from
work.
25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled
by a fight to the death.
26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you
more attractive to the opposite
sex.
27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman
would deliver two Swedish
milk maids.
28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would
sound and you'd get to slide
down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone
29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to
a woman's question of "Does
my bum look big in this?" |
|
Mr
Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
for
judgement. At the
gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such
a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought
about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God.
I
have a question for Him.
St.
Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He
then asked God,
"Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah,
yes
"Well,"
said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
major
design flaws in
your invention;
1-
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2-
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3-
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4-
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5-
Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I
don't
even want to start
talking about the maintenance costs.
"Hmmmm,
you do raise some good points "replied God, "hold
on."
God went to his
Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and
waited for the
results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my
invention seems to
be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are
riding
my invention than yours." |
|
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. |
|
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." |
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take
boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out
by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. |
|
There was a City cop on his horse
waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did
Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said,
"He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop
and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to
you?"
"Yes, he sure did,"
chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop
and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the
horse not on top." |
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Two elderly women were out driving in
a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just sailed on through.
The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we
just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through
without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they travelled on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Maud, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Maud turned to her and said,
"Oh, is it me who’s driving?" |
|
One evening, a family bring their
frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she
will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed
her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while,
she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush
up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after
another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on
all morning.
Later that day, her family arrives to
see how she is adjusting to her new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are
they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she
replies. "Except they won't let you fart." |
|
Some of the artists from the 60's are
re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us – good
news for those feeling a little older and missing those great old
tunes...
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely
Walker"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Procol Harum - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" |
|
At Jean Chretien's retirement dinner,
a reporter said, "Madame Chretien, your husband has been such a
prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene
for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.
What are you most looking forward to in these retirement
years?"
"A penis," replied Madame
Aline Chretien.
A hush fell over the table. Everyone
heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said,
"Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, ‘Appiness’." |
|
The New Zoo Keeper
Harry starts his new job at the zoo
and he is given three tasks, the first is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
Harry starts on this when suddenly a
bloody great fish leaps out and bites him.
Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.
Upon doing so he realises that his
boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry
tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as
lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the
fish to the lions.
Harry then moves on to his second
job, which is to clearout the monkey house.
Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps starts throwing sh*t at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with
his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is
shitting himself, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps
to the lions, because lions eat anything.
Anyway, Harry moves on to his last
job, which is to collect honey from some South
American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees,
as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of
bees. By this point he is not too worried
about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because
lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at
the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and
asks, 'what's the food like here?'
The other lion responds, 'absolutely
brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with
mushy bees.' |
The Golden Phone
An American decided to write a book about famous churches
around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a
trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was
inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per
call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was
strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied
that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he
saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He
wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it
was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to
God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then
traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American,
upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if
Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and
again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per
call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about
the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen
this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled
and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local
call". KEEP SMILING If you are proud to be an
Aussie pass this on! |
|
Q: What do you call an Australian who
farms both sheep and goats?
A: Bisexual |
|
Late last Saturday night; a young
chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy
evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area
were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound
of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a
strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to
his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of
a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't
believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was
able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not
wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on
him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every
step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after
him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP..
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP..
He started to sprint, but so did the
coffin .......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front
door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling
around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to
open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.
He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as
the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the
impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing
freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again,
as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the
bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the
stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door.
With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his
skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of
Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came
........
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant
and threw it ........still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and
threw it ......still it came.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture
and threw it........
The coffin stopped. |
| A couple hobbled into a Washington
State emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his hands
around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone
out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused
her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench
it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed
a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. |
| A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania
ER complaining of severe pain while trying to
remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped
back in. A nurse tried help
using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses
in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. |
| A 20 year old man came into the ER
with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that
he and his boyfriend were fooling around
with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring
the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast
of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy, we live sheltered lives -- thank goodness) |
| In Michigan, a man came into the ER
with lacerations to his penis. He complained
that his wife had "...a rat in her
privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of
his wife, it was revealed
that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. |
| A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was
examined in a hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her
vulva. |
| A 63 year old widow was admitted to
the hospital in Brazil, suffering abdominal
pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton
of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled
from her body. |
A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. The next week, the wife realised that she would
need her husband to wake
her at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence (AND LOSE), she wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the wife woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and that she had
missed his flight. Furious, she was about to go and see why her husband
hadn't woken her when
she noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(WOMEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF
CONTESTS) |
A single mum who is also a Collingwood
fan goes to centrelink to register for child
benefits.
"How many children?" asks the centrelink officer.
"10", she answers.
"10???" says the centrelink officer."What are their
names?"
"Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig
& Craig"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood chick "its great
because if they are out playing in the street
I just have to shout "CRAAIG,YER DINNER'S READY" or
"CRAAIG GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the
perturbed Centrelink officer.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood mum ........ "I
just use their surnames" |
| A primary teacher starts a new job at
a school in Footscray and, trying to make a
good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she
is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise
and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise
your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she
replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked:
"Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then
who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Lions fan, and proud of
it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a
Lions fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Brisbane , and my mum is a
Lions fan and my dad is a Lions fan, so I'm a
Lions fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a Lions
fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what
would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan." |
MELBOURNE, VIC (AAP) - Carlton
football club practice was delayed on Tuesday
for nearly two hours.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to
look down and notice a suspicious looking,
unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field. Coach Wayne Britain, immediately suspended practice while the Australian Federal Police [AFP] were called
in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the AFP determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when AFP Special Agents decided
that the team would not be likely to encounter
the substance again. |
A man comes home from a big day at the
football, plops down on the couch in front of
the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it
starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to
him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get
me another beer, it's going to start any
minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going
to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of
that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken,
fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " |
Did you hear about the lady who walked
into a pharmacy and spoke to the chemist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
He answered - "I can if I take two,". |
| Still having a bad day? Just
remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was
$80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. |
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in
the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some
kind of wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his
Walkman. |
| STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to
a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through
a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death. |
What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb,
he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better? |
| Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up
with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the
meat"
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how
improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler
situated next to his member, which causes two
inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9 |
| Once upon a time in the Kingdom of
Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day,
resting.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds "Look Michael,
look what I've made." said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is
it?" "It's a planet," replied
God, and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and
it's going to be a great
place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of
Earth. "For example, North America
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America
is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God
continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
be very cold and covered
in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small
land mass and said
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most
glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams
and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found traveling
the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,
and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance,
God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see
the idiots I'm putting next to them.
"I call them Australians !!!" |
First the Lord made man in the Garden
of Eden.
Then he said to himself,
" There's something he's needing " .
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole blooming thing. |
A little girl and a little boy were at
day care. The girl approaches the boy and
says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your
thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy.
"I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband." |
It's the first day of school and the
teacher thought she'd get to know the kids
by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a
Postman
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic" Then one little boy
says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag, who is a
striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay
men"
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school
yard approaches Jimmy
privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby
league for Queensland, and I was just too
embarrassed to say so" |
On the day of her wedding, Kathy was
getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten
to bring her wedding shoes.
Panic. Then, her sister remembered that she
had a pair of white shoes from her wedding
before, so she lent them to Kathy for the day.
Unfortunately, they were
a bit too small. By the time the festivities were over, Kathy's feet
were in agony.
When she and bridegroom, Anthony, withdrew to their room, the only thing
she could think of was
getting her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded
around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected-grunts, straining noises, and an occasional
muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Anthony say, "Goodness, that was
tight!"
"There," whispered Kathy's mother. "I told you she
was a virgin!"
Then, to their surprise, they heard Anthony say, "Now for the
other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last, Anthony
said, "Goodness,
that was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said Anthony's father. "Once a
sailor, always a sailor." |
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down
with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations
regarding the resolution of the conflict.
The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a
story.
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the
Israelites came to the Promised
Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they
were thirsty and, lo and behold,
a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the
stream to do some bathing--including Moses.
When Moses came out of the water, he found that
all his clothing was missing.
"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites --
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there
were no Palestinians during
the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that
we've got that settled, let's
begin our negotiations." |
| Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and
Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket
with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the
picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to
get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve,
gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve
says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond,
do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles
are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and
retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat
everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to
convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles'
graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond.
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a
promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in
sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. We
promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond
probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles
weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out
from behind a rock, and says.. I told you I couldn't trust you |
| When John got arrested, he was told,
"Anything you say will be held against you."
John responded, "Pamela Anderson." |
| A taxi passenger tapped the driver on
the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimetres from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little
tap could scare him so much. The driver
replied
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for
the last 25 years!!!!!" |
| Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they
pick up two hookers and take them back to
their separate hotel rooms. When they get there, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is
unable to get an erection. His depression is
enhanced by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUHhhh!!" all night
long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,
"How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just
couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?
*I* couldn't even get on the bed!" |
Why English is a Pain to Learn...
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce
produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to
refuse more refuse.
- He could lead if he would get the
lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his
dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the
present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of
the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into
the bushes. And...
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down
into a sewer line.
- The insurance was invalid for the
invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen
about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to
close it.
- The buck does funny things when the
does are present.
- To help with planting, the farmer
taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the
sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw
got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the
painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a
series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate
friend? |
A man and woman are getting all snugly
in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional
needs as a Woman.
Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department
store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then
they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of
diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but
she does not care. She goes for the tennis
bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but
OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all
this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He Continues --- "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a
while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is bout to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs
as a Man". |
On hearing that her elderly
grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit
her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,
"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age
of 94 was surely asking for
trouble.
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had
sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the
dongs. "She paused, and
wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going
past, he'd still be alive". |
Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk
looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week
unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he
replied. Since diesel fitter
was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed
back into the unemployment office to find out
why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel
fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic
on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, ..."Yep, diesel fitter." |
| Jim and Joe were both patients in a
Mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Joe
promptly jumped in and
saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jim out.
The medical director came to know of Joe's heroic act. He
immediately ordered that Joe be discharged
from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you,
Joe! The good news is that we are going to
discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save
another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient
whom you saved, Mr. Jim, hung himself in the
bathroom, and died."
Joe replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung
him there to dry." |
| Two aliens landed in the Arizona
desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens
addressed it. "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting.
Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew
his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare
you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll
fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want
to make him mad!
" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of
them 200 yards into the desert where they
landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the
one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! "How
did you know it was so dangerous?
" The other alien answered,
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through
the galaxy, when a guy
has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick
it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." !!! |
A man and his dog were walking along a
road. The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was
dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was
leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone
wall along one side of the road. It looked
like fine marble. At the top of a long hill,
it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in
the sunlight. When he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother of pearl, and the street
that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as
he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?" "This
is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow!
Would you happen to have some water?" the
man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some
ice water brought right up." The man gestured,
and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come
in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back
toward the road and continued the way he had
been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another
long hill, he came to a dirt road which led
through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader.
"Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The
man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from
outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was
an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside
it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink
himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward
the man who was standing by the tree waiting
for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like
that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just
happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave
their best friends behind."
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this
could explain:
"When you are very busy, but still want to keep in
touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep
contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what,
and don't know how, you forward jokes."
"And to let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you
are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke from me."
"So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think
that I have sent you just a joke, but that I
have thought of you today and wanted to send you
a smile |
| Subject: I'm so pissed off !
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so
pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped
into bed and we were just about to make love when her god
damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the
bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great!
You're naked already!
Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch
didn't piss out the window right onto my
head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder
you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of
the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was
when the husband had to take a dump. It turns
out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of
the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do
you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches
off the ground!!" |
| Check this story out!
For all of you who use HSBC or an ATM.
Just wanted to warn you about something that happened to me the
other day.
I was getting some cash out at the cash point outside at HSBC George
Street.
I put my card in and a message came up on the screen saying the
machine was temporarily
out of order. A lady approached me and told me that this had happened
to her the other day and what I needed to do was key my pin number in and then press cancel twice. I did this and of
course no card was returned. I left the
machine thinking that it had swallowed my card. But when
I returned to HSBC the following morning, my card wasn't there.
According to the police this method of stealing bankcards is called
the Lebanese loop'. A plastic envelope is made
up that fits the hole in the machine
perfectly. When you put your card in, the machine knows it is there but cannot read it and
therefore the message comes up on the screen.
Once the pin number has been given away and the card left in the
machine, it is then
'looped' out and the spending starts! I had 500 taken from my account before I realised what had happened and
cancelled it. The women who approached
me at the cash point was late 40's in age, 5.3 in height, dark hair and eyes. The way she was dressed was smart as
if she had just left work.
Please pass this information on to all your friends |
| This is a great story -
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just
one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The
American banker complimented the Mexican
fisherman on the quantity of his fish and asked
how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied "Only a little while".
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch
more fish?
The Mexican then said he had enough to support his family’s
immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest
of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take a siesta with my
wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening
where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed: "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help
you. You should spend more time fishing and
with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat."
"With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a
fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery."
"You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually New York City where you will run your expanded
enterprise."
The Mexican asked; "But how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said: "That’s the best part. When
the time is right, you would sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich.
You would make millions."
"Millions…..then what?"
The American said: "Then you would retire, move to a small
coastal village where you would sleep late,
fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta
with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you
could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos."
It’s so easy to get caught up in the "rat race" of
life and lose focus on what really matters.
Take time with those you love – today. Try to make each day
special. It only takes a little to make a lot
of difference. |
| Doctor Stu Hansell had slept with one
of his patients and had felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once
in a while he'd hear that soothing voice,
within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Stu, you're a veterinarian...." |
| TAKE A FEW MINUTES AND READ THESE AND
THINK ABOUT THEM WITHOUT GOING ON TO THE NEXT
ONE...IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD...
*Falling in love.
*Laughing so hard your face hurts.
*A hot shower.
*No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
*A special glance.
*Getting mail.
*Taking a drive on a pretty road.
*Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
*Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
*Hot towels out of the dryer.
*Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
*Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)
*A long distance phone call.
*A bubble bath.
*Giggling.
*A good conversation.
*The beach.
*Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
*Laughing at yourself.
*Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
*Running through sprinklers.
*Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
*Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
*Laughing at an inside joke.
*Friends.
*Falling in love for the first time.
*Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
*Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to
sleep.
*Your first kiss.
*Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
*Playing with a new puppy.
*Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
*Having someone play with your hair.
*Sweet dreams.
*Hot chocolate.
*Road trips with friends.
*Swinging on swings.
*Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you
love.
*Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies
and drinking eggnog.
*Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along
without feeling stupid.
*Going to a really good concert.
*Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one
person.
*Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
*Winning a really competitive game.
*Making chocolate chip cookies.
*Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
*Spending time with close friends.
*Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...
*Holding hands with someone you care about.
*Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good
or bad) never change.
*Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
*Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
*Hugging the person you love.
*Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a
much-desired present from you.
*Watching the sunrise.
*Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another
beautiful day........NOW PASS
THESE NATURAL HIGHS ONTO 7 PEOPLE YOU KNOW IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR...AND GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE NEXT
COUPLE HOURS |
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