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/ Stories / Tales - June |
This page was last updated on Friday, 17th May 2013 12:58:23 PM
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tells Mick he's thinking of
buying a labrador.
off " say's
you seen how many of their owners go blind? "
|Two old guys
One said to the other: "My 85th
birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing!
Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear
|The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.... Worried the girl
might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she
consulted the family doctor.|
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a
date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box
The girl burst out laughing and reached
over to hug her mother, saying,'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry
about that! I'm dating Susan!'
|A man went to church one day and
afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,
'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Brenda and Steve
took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,'
he exclaimed, 'for me?'
two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.
|One night, an 87-year-old woman came home
from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another
woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought
before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I
figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
|A Doctor was addressing a large audience
in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However,
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with
her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and
listens intently to his every word.. His buddies at the club are
all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies,
my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd
you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No,
I told her I was 90.'|
|A man suffered a
serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass
surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began
to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all
the treatment he has had.|
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative
be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ?
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not
spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in
|Groups of Americans were traveling by
tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young
guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that
goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where
many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older
goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then
asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!'
|A United States
Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He
had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. |
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a
member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then
I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 min..'
The lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD,
I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of
his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking
him off the platform.
The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking
on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you?
'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff
and act like an idiot.
So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!
attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a
single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I
feel much luckier when I'm completely nude' With that, she stripped
from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop,
she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She
hugged the dealer and each of the players and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at
each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she
roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were
MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are
dumb, but all men...are men.
|Julia Gillard touring the
countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. |
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the
car comes to a stop.
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
˜You get out and check - you were driving.
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
˜You were driving; go and tell the farmer,˜ says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.
˜My god, what happened to you? asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: ˜ When I got there, the farmer opened his
best bottle of malt whisky,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.
˜What on earth did you say?˜ asks Julia.
˜I knocked on the door, and when
it was answered, I said to them:
I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow
|In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the
town of Tillet , Hertfordshire |
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.
Her mail is addressed:
The Cock Inn
|A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled
his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life. The secret was
to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning
The grandson did this religiously to the age of
103 when he died
He left behind 14 children,30
grandchildren,45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren
and a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be
No Speakah De English
A bus stops and 2 Italian men
get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.. The
lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”
The lady can't take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig,” she retorted indignantly!
“In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm
a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '!’
|A Zebra dies and
arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I
have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I
white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'|
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I
white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well,
did God straighten out your query for you?'
The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes,
God would have said, 'You is what you is..'
|Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in
O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for
their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.|
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
|Into a Belfast pub
comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and
bruised, and he's walking with a limp.|
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you
have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs.. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
|A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says
to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of
our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where
the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell
me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is
the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Wendy was a prostitute, but she
didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group
of prostitutes, and Wendy was among them.
The police took them outside and lined them up along the driveway
when, suddenly, Wendy's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Wendy told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges
and she was just lining up for some.
'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for
proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it?'
'Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck them dry.'
The policeman fainted
|Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They
were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said
Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went
|One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little
Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large
plaque. It was covered with names and small flags
mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men
and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with
"Which service,the 8:30 or the 10:30 ?"
A lady goes to her priest one
day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi,
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage withFrancis
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this
may very well be the solution.'
The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She
saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holdingrosary beads
Impressed,She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, The
female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed, 'Put
the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
|An Irishman who had a
little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night
and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.|
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife
fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
|Brenda O'Malley is
home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.|
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
|Mary Clancy goes up to
Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.|
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed
away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
Let's put seniors in jail and criminals in a nursing
home This way the seniors would
have access to showers, hobbies, and walks. They'd receive unlimited
free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs,
etc., and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed
twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20
minutes and bring
their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits
in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a
library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal
aid would be free,
on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an outdoor exercise
yard and gardens.
Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the
guards would have a code
of conduct that
would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and
unsupervised, lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week. They
would live in a tiny room, pay $5000 per month, and have no hope of
ever getting out.
Justice for all.
of Wine (Women will LOVE this one!)|
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in
peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must
be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be
allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back
to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.
|A man is dining in a fancy restaurant
and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has
been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to
start a conversation. |
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket towards the man.
He reacts and reaches out, grabbing it in mid air, and hands it
"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the theater followed by drinks, they laugh and talk, and shares
their deepest dreams.
After paying for everything, she asks him "would you like to come to
my place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast?".
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know" he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
"oh No!!" she replies.."You just caught my eye".
Little Susie goes home from
school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do
cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your
Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
A teacher was doing a study
testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of
The children began to identify
the flavors by their color:
Finally the teacher gave them
all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could
identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother maysometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a$s-holes.
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to
visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these
breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out
and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve
went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such a s her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first
shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I
figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are
right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and
tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in
the Garden of Eden.. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all
the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did
I put that useless boob?"
Three nuns were attending an AFL
Three men were sitting directly
behind.. because their habits were partially blocking the view, the
men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough
to move to another area, in a very loud voice, the first guy said,
"i think i'm going to move to Brisbane.. there are only 100 nuns
living there.." then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go
to Tasmania.... there are only 50 nuns living there.. the third guy
said, "i want to go to New Zealand... There are only 25 nuns living
One of the nuns turned around,
looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why
don't you go to hell ..There aren't any nuns there!"
A man is seeking to join the
Victorian Police Force .
The Sergeant doing the
interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an
attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol
and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six
Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit.”
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
When you occasionally have a
really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone,don't
take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't
know, but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I
remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that
I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with
the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up and yell,'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the
telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an
asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but
the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can
He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?' I said,'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.' I said,
'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah?
Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax,a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever
find out who you are...' I said" 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax ,and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in
Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does
|Apparently the Australian Medical Association
has now weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut
feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration
had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all
laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was
madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill
to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new
face on the matter."
The Chiropractors thought it was an utterly
The Podiatrists thought it was a step
forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the idea was a
gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out,
leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.
Having already downed a few
power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in
the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody,
anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,
back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with
clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I' ve been
doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he
responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
|Vacancy for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
A man goes into the Job Center
in LONDON and sees a notice advertising for a Gynaecologist's
Interested, he goes to learn
more "Can you please give me some more details about this
job?" he asks the male receptionist on the desk.
The receptionist locates the
job file papers, and replies. "The job entails you getting female
patients ready for the gynecologist. You'll have to help them out of
their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then
apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair; then
rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's
The annual salary is �20,000
but you're going to have to go up to Glasgow ."
The drooling man asks ....
"Is that where the job is based?"
"No, that is where the queue ends !"
This is something to think
about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your
parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows
nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her
hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her
husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
“ Rome ? Why would anyone want
to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
You're crazy to go to Rome .
So, how are you getting there?"
taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the
hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their
flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are
you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive
little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know
that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and
exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the
Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the
hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll
look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy
trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again
came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to
"It was wonderful," explained
the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand
new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel
was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now
it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
"Well," muttered the
hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to
see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky,
because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the
visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who messed up your
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father
sat him down for a little chat. He said, " Mike, let me tell you
something.. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my
pants, handed them to your mother, and said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always
"Ever since that night we never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -
try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too big. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
"Here-you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass
attitude, you never will."
And they lived happily ever
When I was 16, I hoped that one
day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 18 I got a
girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with
a zest for life.
In University I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency;
she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So
I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I was lucky to
find a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and
never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided
that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 32 I found an
exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially
and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to find a
girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 40, I found a
smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so
I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.
I am much older and wiser now.
I'm looking for a girl with big tits.
|So after landing my new job as
a K-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and
welcome to K-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
|Divorce VS. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes
and said, "I Would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband!"
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord Have Mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely Not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"
|A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the hospital. |
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she
might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demands, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
And God’s answer…….
I did’nt bloody recognise you… did I????
|How to get rid of mosquitoes:|
I was at a deck party a while back, and the bugs were having a ball
biting everyone. A man at the party sprayed
the lawn and deck floor with Listerine, and the little demons
disappeared. The next year I filled a 4-ounce spray bottle and used
it around my seat whenever I saw mosquitoes.. And voila! That worked
as well.. It worked at a picnic where we sprayed the area around the
food table, the children's swing area, and the standing water
nearby. During the summer, I don't leave home without it
Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was
How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu
Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week,
coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iv�lgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.
Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic,
lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin
protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.
The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal
application of oinkment.
My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.
I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty
If you receive an email from the Department of
Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu -
ignore it. It's just spam.
Little known fact about Alcohol
Alcohol does not make you FAT -
it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and
|The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging
Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from
National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look
out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for
invading its nesting site.|
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number
of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she
hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist
and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into
the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited
for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded,
'What took you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National
Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the
Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove
'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but
they all turned me down.'
|Thought for the day:|
"No woman will ever be truly satisfied
because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates
This frustrated wife buys a
pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the
lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times until her
"Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that... I
thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge."
A man walks out to the street
and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the taxi-driver says, 'Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank .'
Taxi-driver: ' Frank Feldman .
He's a bloke who did everything right allthe time. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a
few clouds over everybody.'
Taxi-driver: 'Not Frank Feldman
. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at
tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing fella.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was
something really special.'
Taxi-driver: 'There's more ...
He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I can't change a fuse
but, if I try to, the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman ,
he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some amazing
Taxi-driver: 'He always knew
the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like
me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a
mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman .'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?'
Taxi-driver: 'Well, I never
actually met Frank , he died.. I married his f****ing wife.
A blind man wanders into an
all-girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls
absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to
him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair —
given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde
girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I am a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
5. The lady to your right is also blonde and a professional
Now, think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times
|Signs in English from Around
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN,
EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE
THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED
FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Flynn staggered home very late
after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off
his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he
could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but
misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
Managing not to yell, Flynn
sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to
see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as
best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost
empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up
with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him
from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me
a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says
to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over
there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells
alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on
the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
|The Bathtub Test|
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bath."Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would
use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"
|The following are
results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to
take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
make passionate love beside a waterhole
partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
fake indigenous artifact
Fair drinkum: good-quality
cat that has been run over by a vehicle
your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn
around the floor
unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual
unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to
handling himself in the scrub
And for the
Kiwi's amongst us:
particularly attractive naked sheep.
|Harry and his wife are having hard financial
times, so they decide she'll try being a hooker.|
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says.
Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and i'll be parked around the corner.
She stands outside the bar for 5 minutes showing her leg when a guy
pulls up and asks "How much"
She says "A hundred dollars"
He replies "All i got is thirty"
She says" Hang on," and runs back to Harry "What now. what can he
get for thirty"
"A hand job", Harry replied
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a
He agrees and she gets into his car.
He unzips his trousers and out pops this huge willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds and then says "i'll be right
She runs back to Harry
"What's wrong" he asks
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars"
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow
Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence
and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration,
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out
of the lawyer and says,
'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?
for a woman.... |
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get
some support soon,
people will think we're nuts.'
A gentleman asked a waiter to
take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining
alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is
from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly
for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply
note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took
the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the
bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man
decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the
"For your information, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in
my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank
account... But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I
cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back."
FORD TO MERGE
CANT WAIT TO BE THE FIRST TO
GET INSIDE ONE.!
Renault & Ford are working
together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the
new zippy little car,
the new model will be called "Clitaurus".
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Note: - Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
Women's Ass Size Study
There's a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good
man and they would have married him anyway.
A Mexican woodpecker and a
Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the
toughest trees.. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker
accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed...
The Canadian woodpecker then
challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was
absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where
the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable'
tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican
tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker
pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets
harder when you're away from home.
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7
kinds of sex !
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex .
* This kind of sex happens when you first meetSomeone and you both have sex until you areBlue
in the face .
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner For a
short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen .
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner For a
long time . Your sex
has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom .
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .
* This is when you have been with your partner For
too long . When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say ' F**k you
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the
afternoon and Nun at night . (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex .
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More .
She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone .
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Australian
Pension Sex . .
* You get a little each month,
Bet you never thought of this... New
Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got
horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was
promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree
With his skin already starting to
blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor
prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
The nurse, who was rather astounded,
asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do
anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets
off his legs.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand.
Due to the current financial situation caused
by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40
years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times
as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Management
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that You do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to
the attention of your Supervisor
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Enjoy the Holidays!
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first
blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror an d says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A
friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he
crossed the Delaware"
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police di! spatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all
my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Why do you run when a blonde throws a pin at you
She's holding the grenade
|A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me,
do you have any widdle wabbits?" |
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, Fwuffy bwack wabbit,
or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
Knees, leans forward and whispers ...
" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."
|A LITTLE FLAB|
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could
get rid of your control top panty hose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could
get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed
his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said,
"You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
man, and your brother.
If Only!!!!!!!! If
the World was fair to Guys...
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the
arse and a 'cheers for the
sex' would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February
so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go
5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football'
would be 'Friday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.'
6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'
7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
8. Every woman that worked would have to do so
9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-arse
answer you responded with would
actually reduce your fine. Example Cop: 'Do you know how fast you
were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my
beer all over the place.' Cop:
'Nice one, that's $20 off.'
10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style
11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail
Free' cards per year.
12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to
you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen when the ball goes out of play.
14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed as an acceptable response
to 'I love you.'
15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be
16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be
an acceptable excuse
for absence and/or poor time keeping.
17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for
violating the public ugliness
18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name
19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work
21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone
driving under that would be fined.
22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss
would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the
duration of those breaks.
23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your
sister' to your wife/girlfriend
would get the response, 'What a great idea!'
24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from
25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled
by a fight to the death.
26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you
more attractive to the opposite
27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman
would deliver two Swedish
28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would
sound and you'd get to slide
down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone
29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to
a woman's question of "Does
my bum look big in this?"
Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
judgement. At the
gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such
a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with
anyone you want in Heaven."
Mr Honda thought
about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
have a question for Him.
Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He
then asked God,
"Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah,
said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
design flaws in
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I
even want to start
talking about the maintenance costs.
you do raise some good points "replied God, "hold
God went to his
Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and
waited for the
results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my
invention seems to
be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are
my invention than yours."
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?"
"No," she replied, "but my husband
refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take
boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out
by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
There was a City cop on his horse
waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike
stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did
Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said,
"He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector light on the back of it."
The young boy looked up at the cop
and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to
"Yes, he sure did,"
chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop
and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the
horse not on top."
Two elderly women were out driving in
a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just sailed on through.
The woman in the passenger seat
thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we
just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they came to
another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through
without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close
attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure
enough, the light was red and they travelled on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Maud, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Maud turned to her and said,
"Oh, is it me who’s driving?"
One evening, a family bring their
frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she
will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed
her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while,
she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush
up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after
another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on
Later that day, her family arrives to
see how she is adjusting to her new home.
"So, Ma, how is it here? Are
they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she
replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
Some of the artists from the 60's are
re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us – good
news for those feeling a little older and missing those great old
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Procol Harum - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
At Jean Chretien's retirement dinner,
a reporter said, "Madame Chretien, your husband has been such a
prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene
for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.
What are you most looking forward to in these retirement
"A penis," replied Madame
A hush fell over the table. Everyone
heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said,
"Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, ‘Appiness’."
The New Zoo Keeper
Harry starts his new job at the zoo
and he is given three tasks, the first is to
clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
Harry starts on this when suddenly a
bloody great fish leaps out and bites him.
Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.
Upon doing so he realises that his
boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry
tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as
lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the
fish to the lions.
Harry then moves on to his second
job, which is to clearout the monkey house.
Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps starts throwing sh*t at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with
his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is
shitting himself, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps
to the lions, because lions eat anything.
Anyway, Harry moves on to his last
job, which is to collect honey from some South
American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees,
as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of
bees. By this point he is not too worried
about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because
lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at
the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and
asks, 'what's the food like here?'
The other lion responds, 'absolutely
brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with
|The Golden Phone |
An American decided to write a book about famous churches
around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a
trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was
inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per
call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was
strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied
that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could
talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he
saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He
wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it
was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to
God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then
traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the
same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American,
upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if
Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and
again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden
telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per
call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about
the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen
this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled
and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local
call". KEEP SMILING If you are proud to be an
Aussie pass this on!
Q: What do you call an Australian who
farms both sheep and goats?
Late last Saturday night; a young
chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy
evening, and he was tired and freezing.
Most of the streetlights in the area
were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound
of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a
Startled by this, he turned, and to
his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of
a large box turning into his road.
He froze to the spot, he couldn't
believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was
able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not
wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started
walking briskly home.
He could feel the coffin gaining on
him, he started walking faster.........
The coffin was closing with his every
step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after
He started to sprint, but so did the
Eventually he made it to his front
door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling
around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,
His hand trembling, he managed to
open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him.
He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as
the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the
impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing
freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
In horror the young lad fled again,
as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the
bathroom and locked the door........
The coffin again gave chase up the
stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door.
With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young
In a last ditch attempt to save his
skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of
Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant
and threw it ........still it came......
He grabbed his first aid kit and
threw it ......still it came.....
He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture
and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
|A couple hobbled into a Washington
State emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his hands
around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone
out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the
act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused
her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench
it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed
a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.|
|A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania
ER complaining of severe pain while trying to
remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped
back in. A nurse tried help
using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses
in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.|
|A 20 year old man came into the ER
with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that
he and his boyfriend were fooling around
with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring
the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast
of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
(Boy, we live sheltered lives -- thank goodness)|
|In Michigan, a man came into the ER
with lacerations to his penis. He complained
that his wife had "...a rat in her
privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of
his wife, it was revealed
that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.|
|A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was
examined in a hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her
|A 63 year old widow was admitted to
the hospital in Brazil, suffering abdominal
pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton
of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled
from her body.|
|A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. The next week, the wife realised that she would
need her husband to wake
her at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence (AND LOSE), she wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.|
The next morning the wife woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and that she had
missed his flight. Furious, she was about to go and see why her husband
hadn't woken her when
she noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(WOMEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF
|A single mum who is also a Collingwood
fan goes to centrelink to register for child
"How many children?" asks the centrelink officer.
"10", she answers.
"10???" says the centrelink officer."What are their
"Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood chick "its great
because if they are out playing in the street
I just have to shout "CRAAIG,YER DINNER'S READY" or
"CRAAIG GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the
perturbed Centrelink officer.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood mum ........ "I
just use their surnames"
|A primary teacher starts a new job at
a school in Footscray and, trying to make a
good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she
is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise
and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise
your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she
replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked:
"Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then
who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Lions fan, and proud of
it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a
"Because my mum and dad are from Brisbane , and my mum is a
Lions fan and my dad is a Lions fan, so I'm a
Lions fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a Lions
fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what
would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."
|MELBOURNE, VIC (AAP) - Carlton
football club practice was delayed on Tuesday
for nearly two hours.|
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to
look down and notice a suspicious looking,
unknown white powdery substance on the
practice field. Coach Wayne Britain, immediately suspended practice while the Australian Federal Police [AFP] were called
in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the AFP determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when AFP Special Agents decided
that the team would not be likely to encounter
the substance again.
|A man comes home from a big day at the
football, plops down on the couch in front of
the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."|
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get
me another beer, it's going to start any
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going
to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of
that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken,
fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "
|Did you hear about the lady who walked
into a pharmacy and spoke to the chemist.|
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
He answered - "I can if I take two,".
|Still having a bad day? Just
remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was
$80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.|
|Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in
the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some
kind of wire running from
his waist towards the electric kettle.|
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his
|STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the
cruelty of sending pigs to
a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through
a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.|
|What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough
postage on a letter bomb.|
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb,
he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
|Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up
with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it
recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot
Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how
improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler
situated next to his member, which causes two
inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9
|Once upon a time in the Kingdom of
Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day,
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds "Look Michael,
look what I've made." said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is
it?" "It's a planet," replied
God, and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and
it's going to be a great
place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of
Earth. "For example, North America
will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America
is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of black people," God
continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
be very cold and covered
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small
land mass and said
"What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most
glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams
and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found traveling
They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving,
and they will be known
throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
"What about balance,
God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see
the idiots I'm putting next to them.
"I call them Australians !!!"
|First the Lord made man in the Garden
Then he said to himself,
" There's something he's needing " .
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole blooming thing.
|A little girl and a little boy were at
day care. The girl approaches the boy and
says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"|
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy.
"I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
|It's the first day of school and the
teacher thought she'd get to know the kids
by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.|
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic" Then one little boy
says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag, who is a
striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school
yard approaches Jimmy
privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby
league for Queensland, and I was just too
embarrassed to say so"
|On the day of her wedding, Kathy was
getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten
to bring her wedding shoes.
Panic. Then, her sister remembered that she
had a pair of white shoes from her wedding
before, so she lent them to Kathy for the day.|
Unfortunately, they were
a bit too small. By the time the festivities were over, Kathy's feet
were in agony.
When she and bridegroom, Anthony, withdrew to their room, the only thing
she could think of was
getting her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded
around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected-grunts, straining noises, and an occasional
Eventually, they heard Anthony say, "Goodness, that was
"There," whispered Kathy's mother. "I told you she
was a virgin!"
Then, to their surprise, they heard Anthony say, "Now for the
This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last, Anthony
that was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said Anthony's father. "Once a
sailor, always a sailor."
|The Prime Minister of Israel sits down
with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations
regarding the resolution of the conflict.|
The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the
Israelites came to the Promised
Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they
were thirsty and, lo and behold,
a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the
stream to do some bathing--including Moses.
When Moses came out of the water, he found that
all his clothing was missing.
"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites --
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there
were no Palestinians during
the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that
we've got that settled, let's
begin our negotiations."
|Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and
Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket
with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the
picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.
He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve,
gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve
says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond,
do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles
are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and
retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat
everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to
convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles'
graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond.
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a
After three more days pass without Raymond in
sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. We
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond
probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles
weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out
from behind a rock, and says.. I told you I couldn't trust you
|When John got arrested, he was told,
"Anything you say will be held against you."
John responded, "Pamela Anderson."
|A taxi passenger tapped the driver on
the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus,
went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimetres from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little
tap could scare him so much. The driver
"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as
a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for
the last 25 years!!!!!"
|Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they
pick up two hookers and take them back to
their separate hotel rooms. When they get there, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is
unable to get an erection. His depression is
enhanced by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUHhhh!!" all night
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,
"How did it go?"
The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just
couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
*I* couldn't even get on the bed!"
|Why English is a Pain to Learn...|
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce
- The dump was so full that it had to
refuse more refuse.
- He could lead if he would get the
- The soldier decided to desert his
dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the
present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of
the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into
the bushes. And...
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down
into a sewer line.
- The insurance was invalid for the
- There was a row among the oarsmen
about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to
- The buck does funny things when the
does are present.
- To help with planting, the farmer
taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the
- After a number of injections my jaw
- Upon seeing the tear in the
painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a
series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate
|A man and woman are getting all snugly
in bed. The passion is heating up. |
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional
needs as a Woman.
Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then
they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of
The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but
she does not care. She goes for the tennis
bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but
OK if you like it then let's get it."
The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even
believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all
this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He Continues --- "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a
The look on her face is indescribable and she is bout to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs
as a Man".
|On hearing that her elderly
grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit
her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained,
"He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." |
Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age
of 94 was surely asking for
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had
sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the
dongs. "She paused, and
wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going
past, he'd still be alive".
|Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the
elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk
looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he
replied. Since diesel fitter
was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed
back into the unemployment office to find out
why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel
fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic
on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, ..."Yep, diesel fitter."
|Jim and Joe were both patients in a
Mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Joe
promptly jumped in and
saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jim out.
The medical director came to know of Joe's heroic act. He
immediately ordered that Joe be discharged
from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.
The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you,
Joe! The good news is that we are going to
discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save
another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient
whom you saved, Mr. Jim, hung himself in the
bathroom, and died."
Joe replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung
him there to dry."
|Two aliens landed in the Arizona
desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens
addressed it. "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the
Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew
his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare
you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want
to make him mad!
" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of
them 200 yards into the desert where they
landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the
one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! "How
did you know it was so dangerous?
" The other alien answered,
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through
the galaxy, when a guy
has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick
it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." !!!
|A man and his dog were walking along a
road. The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been
dead for years. He wondered where the road was
After a while, they came to a high, white stone
wall along one side of the road. It looked
like fine marble. At the top of a long hill,
it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in
the sunlight. When he was standing before it,
he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother of pearl, and the street
that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as
he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one
side. When he was close enough, he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?" "This
is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow!
Would you happen to have some water?" the
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some
ice water brought right up." The man gestured,
and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come
in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back
toward the road and continued the way he had
After another long walk, and at the top of another
long hill, he came to a dirt road which led
through a farm gate that looked as if it had
never been closed. There was no fence. As he
approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader.
"Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The
man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from
outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was
an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside
it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink
himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward
the man who was standing by the tree waiting
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just
happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave
their best friends behind."
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this
"When you are very busy, but still want to keep in
touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep
contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what,
and don't know how, you forward jokes."
"And to let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you
are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke from me."
"So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think
that I have sent you just a joke, but that I
have thought of you today and wanted to send you
|Subject: I'm so pissed off !
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so
pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped
into bed and we were just about to make love when her god
damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the
bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great!
You're naked already!
Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch
didn't piss out the window right onto my
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder
you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was
when the husband had to take a dump. It turns
out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of
the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do
you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches
off the ground!!"
|Check this story out!
For all of you who use HSBC or an ATM.
Just wanted to warn you about something that happened to me the
I was getting some cash out at the cash point outside at HSBC George
I put my card in and a message came up on the screen saying the
machine was temporarily
out of order. A lady approached me and told me that this had happened
to her the other day and what I needed to do was key my pin number in and then press cancel twice. I did this and of
course no card was returned. I left the
machine thinking that it had swallowed my card. But when
I returned to HSBC the following morning, my card wasn't there.
According to the police this method of stealing bankcards is called
the Lebanese loop'. A plastic envelope is made
up that fits the hole in the machine
perfectly. When you put your card in, the machine knows it is there but cannot read it and
therefore the message comes up on the screen.
Once the pin number has been given away and the card left in the
machine, it is then
'looped' out and the spending starts! I had 500 taken from my account before I realised what had happened and
cancelled it. The women who approached
me at the cash point was late 40's in age, 5.3 in height, dark hair and eyes. The way she was dressed was smart as
if she had just left work.
Please pass this information on to all your friends
|This is a great story -
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal
Mexican village when a small boat with just
one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The
American banker complimented the Mexican
fisherman on the quantity of his fish and asked
how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied "Only a little while".
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch
The Mexican then said he had enough to support his family’s
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest
of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take a siesta with my
wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening
where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed: "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help
you. You should spend more time fishing and
with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat."
"With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a
fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery."
"You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and
eventually New York City where you will run your expanded
The Mexican asked; "But how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said: "That’s the best part. When
the time is right, you would sell your company
stock to the public and become very rich.
You would make millions."
The American said: "Then you would retire, move to a small
coastal village where you would sleep late,
fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta
with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you
could sip wine and play your guitar with your
It’s so easy to get caught up in the "rat race" of
life and lose focus on what really matters.
Take time with those you love – today. Try to make each day
special. It only takes a little to make a lot
|Doctor Stu Hansell had slept with one
of his patients and had felt guilty all
day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once
in a while he'd hear that soothing voice,
within himself, trying to reassure him:
"Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to
sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Stu, you're a veterinarian...."
|TAKE A FEW MINUTES AND READ THESE AND
THINK ABOUT THEM WITHOUT GOING ON TO THE NEXT
ONE...IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD...
*Falling in love.
*Laughing so hard your face hurts.
*A hot shower.
*No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
*A special glance.
*Taking a drive on a pretty road.
*Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
*Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
*Hot towels out of the dryer.
*Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
*Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)
*A long distance phone call.
*A bubble bath.
*A good conversation.
*Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
*Laughing at yourself.
*Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
*Running through sprinklers.
*Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
*Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
*Laughing at an inside joke.
*Falling in love for the first time.
*Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
*Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to
*Your first kiss.
*Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
*Playing with a new puppy.
*Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
*Having someone play with your hair.
*Road trips with friends.
*Swinging on swings.
*Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you
*Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies
and drinking eggnog.
*Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along
without feeling stupid.
*Going to a really good concert.
*Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one
*Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
*Winning a really competitive game.
*Making chocolate chip cookies.
*Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
*Spending time with close friends.
*Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...
*Holding hands with someone you care about.
*Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good
or bad) never change.
*Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.
*Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
*Hugging the person you love.
*Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a
much-desired present from you.
*Watching the sunrise.
*Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another
beautiful day........NOW PASS
THESE NATURAL HIGHS ONTO 7 PEOPLE YOU KNOW IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR...AND GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE NEXT