A 5-year-old boy  went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with  his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. 
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. 
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. 
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, ! and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" 
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

A man enters a confessional in Ireland and says to the Priest, "Father,

It has been one month since my last confession. I've had s*x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s*x

with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Marys'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until The man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, But there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear :

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

On the card was written: "spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. two with meatballs, one without."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:

The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the! ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea,
as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......
"OK, I give up. Where's the f**kin' ship?"

Two nuns were travelling by car in Transalvania.
Suddenly a horrible Dracula Demon leapt onto the car and began hissing at them.
The driver turned on the wipers but couldn't dislodge the demon, who kept hissing.
The the nun said "Try the windscreen washers, I filled them myself with Holy Water"
The water was squirted and the demon screamed as it burnt him but he stayed there hissing at them.
"Show him your cross" said the driver "That always sends them away"
So the other nun rolled down the window, stuck her head out and shouted

"Hey shit-face!!! Get the f--k off my car!!!!!

(I know people who are in the final category!)

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. 
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Hill billy went into a lawyer and said he wanted to get one of the day-vorces.
Lawyer - Do you have any grounds?
H B - yYes, 40 acres
Lawyer - Do you have a suit?
H B - Yep ah gotta suit, ah wear it in church on Sundays.
Lawyer - No, no, do you have a case?
H B -No I aint but ah gotta John Deere.
Lawyer - I mean do you have a grudge?
H B - Yes ah gotta grudge, thats where i park John Deere.
Lawyer - Does your wife beat you up or something?
H B - No we both get up at 4-30
Lawyer - Is your wife a nagger?
H B - No, she's a white girl but our last child was a nagger and that's why I want a day-vorce.

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a Length Of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the Chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, The chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

And the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his rather large Penis and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting  do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,

I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going  to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

In an Irish bar one night, there was a competition to see who could give the best toast.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%  

and 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

The bank's president and it officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Te blonde replied, 
"Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

Sometimes we just need to remember just what the Rules of Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape .

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her... Believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends....You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again." (are you ready for this???......... )

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today......"

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the  cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the  middle of my owner's bed."
The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Lethal injection" came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees 
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my  owner's couch."
 "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump - everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, 
"So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

 "No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.

NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their legs.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

REV FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. 
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side?

FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 
How do you feel about your mother?

THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. 
What do you mean by chicken? 
Could you define the word 'chicken'.

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied,

"The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON...MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out," Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"Miss Jones replied, "Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go." Little BILLY thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE BILLY ON ....GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his
lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! !"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
* 45 lbs.

3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
* 45 minutes.

4. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
* None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

5. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
* Through his chest with a sharp knife.

6. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
* Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.

7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
* They can't stand criticism.

8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
* Because those men already have boyfriends.

9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
* After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
* The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

11. What do you call a smart blonde?
* A golden retriever.

12. Why does the bride always wear white?
* Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

13. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
* The blonde, because she's 18.

14. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
* Ask your dad.

15. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
* Say, "Nice Dick."

16. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
* Because they have cotton balls.

17. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
* A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

18. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
 "Are you sure it's mine?"

19. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
* Beer Nuts are over $1 and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

20. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
* Mace will do that to you.

21. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?
* Divorce proceedings most likely.

22. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
* Everyone has the same DNA.

23. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
* They named him Sum Ting Wong.

24. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
* A speech impediment.

25. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
* They're hiring.

26. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
* Breasts don't have eyes.

27. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
* Because they're not going to work in the future either.

28. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
* He walks around saying "Yo."

29. What do you call an New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
* A Pimp.

30. Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
* Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

31. What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
* A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

32. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck?"
* Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo."

33. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
* Row, row, row your boat.

34. What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale?
* A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. Don't say you understand when you don't.
3. Girls are pretty, but yours is ALWAYS the Prettiest!
4. You don't have PMS; don't fuckin act like you know what it's like.
5. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
6. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
7. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
8. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
9. We are DrAmA queens.
10. Fashion police do exist.
11. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about... in other words shut the fuck up
12. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
13. Don't make bets about us; we will always find out.
14. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we always hate it.
15. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it isnt, so DONT..
16. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers, you may as well give it up now)
17. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
18. We are beautiful at all times.
19. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.
20. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it.
21. Be Quiet, listen don't act like U care when u don't cos we're not that stupid
22. Always do as the girl wants sometimes we are in desperate situations that make us ask for help 
23. Be there at all times never back out on someone you love even if your homeboys want you to stay with em choose your girl .
24. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening, "Here's To The Best Years of Me Life, Spent Between The Legs of Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening." His wife then asked him what his toast was and he said, "Here's To The Best Years of me Life, Spent in Church with me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

WE, the people of the broad brown Land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, and Sheilas .. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in  lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, café latte,  grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,  thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it.

Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of  them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centerpiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The less said the better.....

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by  murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate  for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials  tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right  mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. 
And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that that wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
He shrugged and said, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again.

WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish......................     49
Adventurer...............   Slept with all your friends
Athletic....................    No tits
Average looking.........Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful...................    Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated....................  Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.....Medicated
Feminist....................    Fat ballbuster
Free spirit.................    Junkie
Friendship first........    Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.........................       Annoying
Gentle......................      Comatose
Good Listener...........   Borderline Autistic
New-Age...................   All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............  Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded.............  Desperate
Outgoing...................   Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............    Sloppy drunk
Poet........................       Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..............   Certified Bitch
Redhead...................    Bad dye-job
Reubenesque.............  Grossly Fat
Romantic..................     Looks better by candle light 
Social......................      Has been passed around like an hors doeuvres tray
Voluptuous................  Very Fat
Weight proportion 
w/height..                     Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate........  Stalker
Widow.......................   Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..........   Old bat

MEN'S ADS
40-ish................            52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.............           Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.....    Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated..............        Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit...........          Banging your sister
Friendship first....        As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun......................          Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.........      Arrogant
Very good looking..... Dumb as a board
Honest.................         Pathological Liar
Huggable..............        Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle......       Insecure mama's boy
Mature................           Older than your father
Open-minded.........       Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit........         Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet..................              Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.............           Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive....           Gay
Spiritual.............            Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable................            Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful..........         Says "Excuse me" when he farts

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

 No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."  "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

The Sixth Affair

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names"
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.

Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an Intimidating figure.

The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilised her.

She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.

Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Maam, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, maam." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.

It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.

She was humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologise to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?

She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

And the moral of the story: 
Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That’s okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."

The woman replied, " That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, " That’s okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!

The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, Doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers.

The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

Mrs. Johnson yells, "STEVEN! Dad's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your story," his mother said.

When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to the bedroom, and then they."

"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry. "And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do when Dad’s out of town."

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. 
The poor man starts crying.