After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one?
Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
"?101,237.64." The Aussie replied.

The manager choked and exclaimed "?101,237.64?
What the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ,I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?".
"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said.........'Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might as well go fishing."

A fellow back from exploring the Upper Amazon was addressing the gathering at the Explorers Society.

"Many wonders i have seen, but non more wonderous than the strange dance performed by the indians only once a year at a certain time, its called the "putcha dance". They were all intrigued and an expedition was organised so that the dance could be documented.

They travelled many days and nights braving harsh conditions untill they finally arrived at the village.

When the time came close they set up their equipment, the tribe forming a large circle the chief raising his hands in the air announced "the time has come" and continued "putcha right foot in putcha right foot out..."

Three fellows were stranded on a deserted island, it was'nt that tough for a while, as plenty of wildlife was available.

However after a while the got down to one monkey and one pig. Well they could'nt eat the monkey as it was so friendly and was well trained. So they decided to fatten the pig up. A bung was shoved up the pigs bum to speed up the fattening process.

When the pig was suitably fat the bung had to be removed from the pigs bum. Not one of them felt like doing that little chore, but the monkey had been trained by one of them to remove the bung.

"It's going to be messy" said one "so i'll stand about 10' away", another said "i'll stand 20' away" and the last said "i'm standing by the beach" when in position they called out to the monkey "PULL".

Well you should have seen the great gush of shit that erupted out of that pig. The bloke by the beach copped a little bit of splatter and raced towards the one 20' away who was half covered with shit. After he was cleared they went to the bloke closest to the pig. He was covered entirely with shit. They quickly went to dig him out, when they could hear laughter coming from inside the pile. When they got his head clear he said "You should have seen that monkey try to put the bung back".

An outback pub lined with the patrons utes and dogs in the trays. Two blokes came out and saw one of the dogs licking its balls. "gee i wish i could do that" said one. "Recon you ought to pat him first" replied the other.

A bloke has just died and is sitting in Hell feeling rather sorry for himself.
A Demon wanders up to him and asks "Why the long face?". 
The bloke replies "Well I cant say I am too excited about spending my eternity in Hell".

The Demon replies "Dont be silly, Hell is a great place. You drink?". 
The bloke says "yeh I used to enjoy a drink". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Mondays, everyone just drinks themselves stupid. Kegs galore, every spirit you can think of, the finest wines, liquor everywhere. Everyone just drinks till they pass out then drinks some more". 
The bloke says "that sounds alright".

The Demon continues "Yeh, you smoke cigars?". 
The bloke replies "Yeh i used to enjoy a cigar when i could afford one". The Demon says "Well your gonna love Tuesdays. There is endless amounts of Cuban cigars, everyone just sits around and smokes cigars all day long". The bloke seems impressed. 

The Demon goes on, "You like to gamble?" 
The bloke replies "Yeh i did used to gamble a fair amount when i was alive". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Wednesdays, Hell turns into a big casino. Poker, blackjack, roullette and craps tables as far as the eye can see, heaps of slots, its fantastic. You've got unlimited money, you can gamble your life away and there is no debts or consequences cos your in Hell". The bloke is getting more and more excited. 

The Demon says "You into drugs?". 
The bloke eagerly replies "Yes i used to dabble in a bit of drugs in my younger days". 
The Demon says "Well your gonna love Thursdays, everyone just gets messed up on drugs. Ecstacy, Speed, Amphedamins, Crack, Cocaine, Heroin, Acid, its all there, smoke a joint if you like, go nuts". 

The bloke is quite optimistic now, "Wow, I am quite looking forward to the thought of Hell now, it sounds like a great place".
 "Too right", says the Demon, "You gay?". 
The bloke pauses, "Um... no, why?" he asks. 
"Hmmm", the Demon grimaces "Your gonna hate Fridays".

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers.

It's allegedly true and makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One day Willie Brunsden and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. 

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea And lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."

My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" 

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so.
Provided those c!!ts at Jewson deliver the f'ing bricks".

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think men care.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

The Price of Stupidity

What a world? (country NSW)... On Thursday, 24 January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March, 1999, a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there as usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who appologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, so he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently assisted him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. And all this over $0.00.

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all them damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there,

I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this here check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face when she hear dat."

So my baby girl, she take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say and what her momma look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now, what yo momma say 'bout that?" 

She say to tell you, "you ain't my daddy! .... and watch the 'spression on yo face."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s room. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the room. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to the men’s room to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the Hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Quasimodo was run down and his doctor ordered him to take a complete break from his job. He felt that Notre Dame required its bells to be rung as usual and so couldn’t take leave until he found a suitable replacement bellringer. He advertised the temporary vacancy throughout the French Press but there was only one applicant. It was a funny looking man who had no arms.

"This is crazy," said Quasi. "You’ve got no arms. How do you expect to ring the bells?"

"I’ll use my head," said the little man and took a running leap at the nearest bell, scoring a direct hit and making quite an acceptable sound.

"Not too bad at all," said Quasi. "Try the one on the left!"

The little man took another running leap, but his timing was out and he went over the parapet, falling 100 metres to the pavement below. Quasi limped his way down to the street. A gendarme was standing next to the shapeless remains.

"Do you know this man?" interrogated the policeman.

"Not really, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, another applicant appeared. Obviously he was the identical twin brother, also minus arms. Same deal. A demonstration of his ringing the bells. Same outcome. Squished. Same gendarme standing over the gruesome remains down on the footpath.

"Did you know this man?" asks the gendarme.

"No," said Quasimodo, "but he’s a dead ringer for his brother."

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail," he replied.

"What?!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that chick on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle."

A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"

The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.

Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.

The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border and I don't take crap from anyone!"

The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.

At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole damn country and I'll take you both on!"

And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.

Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.

The bartender asks the three pieces of bitumen what the problem is, and they reply: "Shhhh. Watch what you say, that bloke’s a real cycle path."

A little boy accompanies his mother shopping and is waiting outside the ladies’ dressing room for her to emerge, boredom causing him to fidget. When his mother comes out, she espies her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell, no," he cries, "you've got teeth there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my mother told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her knickers and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

This guy walks into a quiet bar, carrying three ducks – one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. He and the man chat for about half an hour before the guy with the ducks has to go to the toilet. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence and so the bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?' he asks the first duck.

"Huey," replies the first duck.

"How’s your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the bartender.

The bartender then turns to the second duck and says:

"Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey," came the reply.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Just wonderful. Fantastic day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I could have another day just like today, I would do the same again."

The bartender turns to the third duck and says:

"So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck. "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head

"Yes, I am Jesus," he replies.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and drinks up.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of ice cold VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has disappeared. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has vanished completely. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then turns to the Australian whose face shows sheer, unadulterated reflects terror."

"Oi! Bugger off, mate. I'm on Compo!!"

Two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

There were two Scotsmen in a pub in Glasgow, comparing scars and old wounds on their respective bodies, legacies of the innumerable fights and brawls they’d been in, and for which much of working-class Glasgow is famous. Each was trying to outdo the other for former acts of bravado and daring.

"See this scar here," said one in an accent that made Billy Connolly sound like an Eton-educated Englishman, "I got that fra’ a big bastard wi’ a razor i’ Gorbals one night!" He pointed to a white line that ran from below one ear to the middle of his chin.

"Och, tha’s nothin’," said the other, "take a look at this!" He turned his head to display a missing earlobe. "Bit off by a sailor in yon boozer doon at they docks!"

"See you and ya wee love bites," said the former, "I nearly lost ma nose fra’ a chibbin’ in Brighton – see they stitches!"

And so it continued, the two so engrossed in their comparisons that they failed to notice they were being observed. Across the other side of the bar, but within earshot, was a monster of a man. Fully 7 foot tall, he had a face that looked like raw meat, hands like hams, and a chest as big as a barrel. He sat alone, his huge bulk dwarfing the table on which he leaned. He listened intently while the erstwhile warriors displayed more and more sections of their battered anatomy. Then he rose, finished his pint, and lumbered over to where they sat.

"See youse two!" he bellowed. Silence fell upon the bar.

"D’youse want ta see a real scar, instead o’ they scratches on ya scrawny wee bodies?"

The two nodded silently, almost paralysed with fear.

Slowly, the huge man unbuttoned his shirt, and then the belt of his trousers, eventually revealing an enormous purple scar that began from under his chin, ran the entire length of his torso, and terminated only an inch above his pubes. The entire bar was transfixed, gazing unbelievingly at this ultimate trophy, this extraordinary badge of pugilistic pride. The giant completed a full 360 degrees display, ensuring that everyone got a good look.

Finally, one of our two warriors managed to break the silence. "Jesus Christ!" he spluttered, "where d’you get that?"

A broad smile split the face of the giant as he uttered but two words, "Post mortem!"

In the run-up to the last British election, Tony Blair was being shown around an Edinburgh hospital by its administrators. Towards the end of his visit, he was shown into a ward of people exhibiting no obvious signs of injury. He greeted the first patient and the chap replied:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."

Tony, somewhat confused, performed his sparkling grin and moved on to the next patient, again greeting him with a smile and hello. This patient replied:

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

As Tony was led towards the third patient, that patient began rattling off as follows:

"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"

Tony turned to the doctors accompanying him and asked, "Uhmmm, I say, what sort of ward is this, a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replied one of the doctors, "it’s the serious Burns unit."

Picture the scene: Early 1950’s, Ireland. A young Irish virgin decides she wants to learn a bit more about life so she packs her bags and bids farewell to her aunt Maureen and takes the boat to Liverpool. She then decides that she wants to get to London to start her new life so she sticks out her thumb and immediately a large car pulls up so in she gets. Being a friendly sort, she starts chatting to the driver.

"And what do you do for a living?" she says.

"I'm a disc jockey" he says, "on the radio".

"Oh my" she says, "do you play requests because my Aunt Maureen will be ever so worried about me and if you could play a request and let her know that I'm all right, I will be most grateful."

"Of course I will," said the DJ, "but you must do something for me first."

"OK," she says.

So he pulls the car over and unzips his fly and pulls out his enormous erect penis.

"Put your lips down to that," he says.

So she leans over, grabs hold of his penis and shouts: "HELLO, AUNTIE MAUREEN…"

A wedding occurred in a little village in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room, generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the courtroom until the judge finally brought calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom went silent and Paddy, the best man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agreed and asked him to take the stand. Paddy began his explanation by informing the court that it is traditional part of any wedding in this particular village that the best man got the first dance with bridge. The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I’d finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when, all of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

BLOKE RULES

RULE NUMBER 1: Any bloke who brings a camera to a buck's night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

RULE NUMBER 2: Under no circumstances may two blokes share an umbrella.

RULE NUMBER 3: It is OK for a bloke to cry only under the following circumstances:

a) When an heroic dog dies to save its master.

b) The moment Angelina Jolie begins to unbutton her blouse.

c) After wrecking your boss's car.

d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e) When she is using her teeth

RULE NUMBER 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

RULE NUMBER 5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

RULE NUMBER 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. Complain at will should the temperature prove to be unsuitable.

RULE NUMBER 7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

RULE NUMBER 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

RULE NUMBER 9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

RULE NUMBER 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning yourself on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it’s free.

RULE NUMBER 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the goolies.

RULE NUMBER 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

RULE NUMBER 13: Mates don't let mates wear Speedos. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 14: If a bloke's fly is down, that's his problem – you didn't see anything.

RULE NUMBER 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until such time they demonstrate a thorough knowledge of the game.

RULE NUMBER 16: A bloke in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

RULE NUMBER 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.

RULE NUMBER 18: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

RULE NUMBER 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in slagging off a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

RULE NUMBER 20: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

RULE NUMBER 21: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Ever.

RULE NUMBER 22: A bloke worthy of being called a bloke shall never buy a car with less than 1.8 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.

RULE NUMBER 23: A bloke worthy of being a bloke shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

RULE NUMBER 24: The woman who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.

*FOOD SPOILAGE TESTS FOR BACHELORS*

THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT:
It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS AND SULTANAS:
Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

(This joke carries a government health warning)

There’s this inflatable boy, see, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable Headmaster approaching him.

The inflatable boy pulls out a knife and stabs the Headmaster before running out of the school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his knife and sinks the knife into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.

A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable Headmaster.

(This does get worse, you know.)

Shaking his deflated head – more in sorrow than in anger – the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You’ve let me down; you’ve let the school down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down."

Michael and John are bungee-jumping one day. Michael says, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

John thinks about it and agrees this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance coverage, etc.

They travel to a city in Mexico and begin setting up on the Square. As they begin constructing the tower, a crowd starts to assemble below them. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

On completion of the construction, both men climb to the top of the bungee tower. Michael fastens the bungee cord around the ankles of John who then leaps from the tower.

He bounces at the end of the cord but when the cord bounces him back up, Michael notices that John has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Michael isn't able to catch him, and John falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Michael misses grabbing hold of him. Once more, John falls and the cord bounces him back up, only this third time, he comes back pretty messed up; he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Michael finally catches him, and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

John mumbles, "No, the cord was fine, but, what the hell is a Pinãta?"

Two rabbits escape from the Laboratory and see grass for the first time. They’re bouncing through the grass when they meet an older rabbit.

"Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my warren?"

"What’s a warren?" ask the two rabbits.

"Don’t worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see."

So off they go. They like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit’s warren and decide to stay. In the morning, the two rabbits are awoken by the thumping of the older rabbit.

"Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older rabbit.

"What’s a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits.

"Don’t worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see."

So off they go, and they enjoy a day in the fields, eating cabbages. They return very satisfied, with their tummies full of cabbage, and agree that a good day was had by all. The following day, it’s "Come on out for the cabbages" again, and the same for the day after that. At the end of the third day, Rabbit 23 says to Rabbit 17, "These cabbages are good but there must be more to life. Let’s go and find it."

Rabbit 17 agrees, so off they go, across the grass. They meet a younger rabbit.

"Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Come and live in my warren. I’ve got lots of young girlie rabbits staying, and I could use some help."

"Girlie rabbits?" they ask.

"Don’t worry," replies the younger rabbit. "Come and see."

So they agree and, for three days, it’s thump-thump-thump. At the end of the third day, Rabbit 23 says to Rabbit 17, "It’s no good. I’ve got to get out of here!"

"Why?" asks Rabbit 17. "This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims.

"Yes," agrees Rabbit 23, "but it’s been a week and I’m dying for a cigarette."

A young bloke in the Outback of Australia was out checking some cattle fences in his good old EJ Holden ute, when he hit something. He radioed the cattle station for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bull bars. He's still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.

"Okay," said his station manager. "Behind the back of the seat there's a 303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp, you'll be able to get it off the bull bars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later, the young jackaroo called in again.

"Hey, boss, I did what ya said to do, I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bull bars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" asked the station manager. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike.... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch!"

A couple of hunters in the rural south of the USA are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says, "OK, now what?

A bald-headed man with a wooden leg was invited to attend a fancy dress party. Self-conscious of the naked nature of his head and the woodenness of his leg, he was unsure of what costume to wear in order not to draw attention to them so he wrote to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel from the fancy dress company, accompanied by a note:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be ideal as a pirate."

The man thought this was terrible because were he to wear the pirate’s costume, it would just emphasis his wooden leg, so he wrote a really rude letter of complaint to the fancy dress company, asking that they look for another costume.

A week passed and he received another parcel and a note which said:

"Dear Sir,

Sorry about our previous suggestion. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really look the part."

Reading the note annoyed the man even more than the first note had done. From sending him a costume that would draw attention to his wooden leg, they had sent him a costume that would emphasis both his wooden leg and his bald head. He wrote back to the company an extremely rude letter of complaint.

The following day, he received a small parcel and a note from the fancy dress company, saying:

"Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

This fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a woman who constantly nagged him, ever switching between treating him nicely and tearing down his self-esteem. To add to his woes, his best friend was to due to be executed that night for a capital crime.

He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity. His wife said "Honey, what's the problem?"

"What’s the problem? They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"Oh, darling, I understand how difficult that must be for you. Why don’t you go take a bath and relax. I'll get supper ready for you, sweetie, and you can go down to visit him and say your final farewells. Now, won't that make you feel better?"

He decides to not make the situation worse and agrees with her proposal. Well, while she was getting supper the newspaper arrived, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The front page headline read, 'WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION.' She knew her husband would want to immediately know of this turn of events and was sure that, upon hearing this news, his spirits would be lifted. She quickly went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door. There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub.

She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!"

A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, "This is too big a job for me." So he sends her to a specialist in the field, Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus, and says, "This is no problem."

Halfway through the operation, the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says, "You know, lady, it’s people like you that make this job disgusting!"

One hot sunny Summer day in Canada, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speedboat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Being friendly sorts, Tim and Don waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back, he lost his hold on the towline and went down hard. The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier’s life preserver came up without him.

Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dived into the lake and swam out to try and save him. After several fruitless dives, they finally found the water skier lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore.

They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth. All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping? We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing, right?"
"Well, yah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies,"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes, How do you like them?

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her "Rosa,do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, " Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that. He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true, " Carmella answers, "Yes,
Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight. " Giorgio gasps and says "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?????

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" 
"No," she said, 
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. 
So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. 
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? 
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." 
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 
"Gadzooks, lady! 
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. 
I'm good but not THAT good! 
I don't think it can be done. 
Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, 
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man.

You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. 
That's what I wish for . a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map!"

Not satisfied he spoke for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any enemies."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy! I just outlived the bitches."

The Canadian Government is finally going to help America with the war on terrorism.

They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 600 ground troops, and 6 fighter jets.

However, after the American exchange rate, we end up with.....1 canoe, 2 mounties, and a flying squirrel.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.
2.The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
3.The sport of choice for front line workers is football.
4.The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
5.The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
6.The sport of choice for corporate officers and professionals is golf.

The amazing conclusion . . . the higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls are!

9). She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? 
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of  money.

8). He said... Since I first laid eyes on you,  I've wanted to make love to you really badly. 
She  said...Well, you succeeded.

7). He said... 'Two inches  more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd  be queen'

6). On wall in ladies room: "My husband  follows me everywhere.." 
Written just below it: "I do  not."

5). He said... "Shall we try swapping positions  tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the  ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

4). Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find  another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3). He said.. What have you been doing with  all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn  sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

2). He  said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay,  but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

1). He said... Why don't you tell me when you have  an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never  there.

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beaver Leaver or Vagina Decliner: A homosexual.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Beer Coat: The invisible but very warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.

After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be  required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Cider Visor: Beer goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Floggin On: Surfing the Internet for some 'left handed websites.'

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through any space thats too narrow at high speed.

Going for a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a  week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: the contents of a Wonderbra. I.E. Extremely impressive when viewed from outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a half carton in your bed instead.

N.B.R.- No Beers Required: Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.

The opposite of a half carton.

Half Carton: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least half a carton.

2-bagger: Someone that you'd need two paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

The population of this country (USA) is 237 million. 
104 million are retired. 
That leaves 133 million to do the work. 
There are 85 million in school, 
which leaves 48 million to do the work. 
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, 
leaving 19 million to do the work. 
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, 
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, 
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 
That leaves just two people to do the work. 

You and me. 
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am  Caesar." (Julius Caesar)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now ,
ya hear?????

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. 
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. 
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

.......one button at a time.

........No one moves.

........He removes his shirt.

.......Muscles ripple across his chest.

......he whispers:

......."HERE, IRON THIS"

Yes = No
No = Yes
May-be = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!
" Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!
We need to talk" = I need to bitch.
"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.
" I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!
" How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.
" You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.
" Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

 Guy's English

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
" I'm tired " - I'm tired
" Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
" May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.
" You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
" What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
" What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.
" I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!
" Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!
" Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal 4 you to have sex with other guys.

What makes life 100%?
If each letter is given a value, 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z :
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

And a total word is valued by its letters.... Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
And 
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti -fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. 
However, the gates are closed. Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

Here are the questions.

1. "What days of the week begin with the letter T?"

2. "How many seconds are there in a year?"

3. "What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but ...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forrest, run.

...you f@#%&*@ mosquito.

LUST - When sex is called "screwing." 
LOVE - When sex is called "making love."
MARRIAGE - When Intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LUST - When you ! steal everything they own.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all aro! und.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
MARRIAGE When you never see each other awake.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - ! When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things WITH your partner
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and lube.
LOVE - You only! leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer (this can only happen in America) purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars, lost in the " fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc. "The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctors replies,
"Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." 
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 
 "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." 
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" 
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs,
"Stupid American doctor! 
American doctor, always want to operate. 
Make more money, that way. 
No need to operate!" 
"Oh thank God!" the man replies. 
"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! 
Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!