The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
Which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the Volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that---since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Where would you be if:
you have all the money your heart desires
you have no worries ...
you come home and the finest meal is awaiting you...
your bathwater has been run...
you have the perfect kids...
your partner is awaiting you with open arms and kisses...
so where would you be...?                 

in the wrong f*****?? house!!!!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a  physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, "he said rolling aroundin agony whilst still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Fascinating Research

A recent study found that the type of male face that a
woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending
upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

Fascinating....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said,  "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. "The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells" .
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied............."They're Carols".

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no" says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." 
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." 
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the tables.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed.
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips *
one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.
He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?"
The girl replies: "Simple...You are one ugly bastard!"

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that

morning. i went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be

pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday." 
i thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. 

my kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when i left for

the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

as i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss,

happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had

remembered. i worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my?door

and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your

birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." 

I said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day.

let's go!" we went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go.

we dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two

martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously on the way back to the

office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

i responded, "i guess not. what do you have in mind?" she said, "let's

go to my apartment." 

after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if

you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. i'll be

right back."

"ok." i nervously replied. 

she went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens?

of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.  "But sir," he
says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping
with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Be Careful!

For all my female friends.... Be careful out there.

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are past the age of 35. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, an almost nude, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield. While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, takes anything valuable and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this.

They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday....

I couldn't find them on Sunday...

The Middle wife

 By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for  about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,  but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own  second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.

 So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get  over shyness and Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in  pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of  fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any  boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to

 school and talk about it, they're welcome.

 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very

 outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the

 class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.  "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.  First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put  a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for  nine months through an umbrella cord."

 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm  trying not to  laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her  in amazement.

 "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,  'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! Now the kid's doing  this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My  Dad called  the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on  the car like the Domino's man." "They got my Mom to lie down in  bed like  this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop!

 My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got  thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"  This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water  flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,  breathe.'" "They started counting, but never even got past ten."  "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky  stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-centre! , so there must be a  lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical  bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's  show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this - it's still in the CRATE!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

 "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah.

Michael, do you have a story to share?" Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f#ck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden eg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head, you will really look the part".

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple."

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Truck?

F#CKING TALENTED!

Water at the State Department

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods
(French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly  camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,

"A man is sitting on the well!"

Men's Classes

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS - SIGN-UP BY November 25TH

NOTE: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants

TOPIC 1 - HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. Step by step, with slide presentation.

TOPIC 2 - THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 - IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE

TECHNIQUE OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY BATHTUB? Group practice.

TOPIC 4 - FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 - THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 - LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 - LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT

PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

TOPIC 8 - HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 - REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 - IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS. Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 - LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE. Online class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 - HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 - HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. 
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he  would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. 
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife "F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

The Mounds Of Dirt life dishes out

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up any way,so it just wasn't worth it to try to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.

They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.

Then, a few shovel fulls later, he quieted down completely.

The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.

With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, it would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!

Shake it off and take a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.
Also, the donkey later kicked the hell out of the guy that tried to bury him.

Which brings me to another moral for this story:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you

What Each Star Sign Says After 

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again."
Taurus: "I'm hungry - pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the tv remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me - I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off."
Pisces: "What did you say your name was?

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan

Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response, but read the letter before you get to his answer.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; 
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; 
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative, Land and Water Management

Division

This is the actual response sent back........

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project,

I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I am concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.

Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods.

I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. "

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".

As they were walking through another shop he said to her, "You know, your butt is as big as a combine harvester." He got no response and the shopping continued. Frustrated he said in the next shop, "You know dear, I think I was wrong. Your butt is as big as two combines!"

Well, that did the trick and she packed it in.

Later that night when things had cooled down and they were in bed, hubby started to feel a little amorous and asked his wife, "How about it?" Her reply was, "If you think I'm going to start up a million dollars worth of equipment to process half a corn cob you've got another thing coming!!"

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

THIS SHOULD MAKE ANYONE PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE.....?!?!?  ("OI, OI, OI!")

I'm hungry:

"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
 "So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."

I'm thirsty:

"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nuns nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bulls bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
"I need to go for a pee:
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snakes hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
 "Shake hands with the wife's best friend."

I need to do a poo:

"I gotta go give birth to a politician."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
 "Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."

Vomit:

"Calling for George." (think about it)
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."

Insults:

"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
 "Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
 "Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
 "Mate, shes as rough as a pigs breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
 "He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deck chairs."
 "As thick as two short planks!"

Compliments:

"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"

Yes:

"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
 "Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
 "Bloody oath!"
"No wucking furries."

No:

"Pig's arse!!"

Assorted:

 "Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)