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Jokes / Stories / Tales - October |
This page was last updated on
Friday, 01 November 2013 06:19:19 PM
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It was April and the Aboriginals in a
remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was
going to be cold or mild
Since he was an elder in a modern
community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he
couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should
collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the
Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like
this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and
told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of
Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's
going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community
and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau
again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's
looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our
satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting
firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New
York City public school system. |
All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. |
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (
National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't.. Sign here."
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical
Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise
of Afghanistan, lose his footing and fall into the Yarra River.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think I may have wasted a frigging stamp!
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments. " answered the lady. |
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are
those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning.|
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was
short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under
the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he
returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've
circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."|
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough
money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there
in your pockets."|
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the
back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle:
Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." |
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said
the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know -
Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "|
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long
holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead
of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend,"
said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits
until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I
know what you mean. It's the same in my business."|
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was
about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by
for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was
about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."|
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to
the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The
substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and
said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost
twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge
$100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played
"The Star Spangled Banner" (USA 's national anthem). And that is how the
substitute became the regular organist!|
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the centre of
10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR
GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.|
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them
all up there.
4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature
5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can
tell them apart.
6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old
7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
10.. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him
jokes, it means that you laugh at his
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!
Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Do you see
the Denny's about a block further down?"
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Well, "says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
is sitting on the bed realising that he has just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see
that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious
and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"
!"the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?|
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?|
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?|
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?|
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?|
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?|
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?|
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?|
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?|
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?|
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm
going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?|
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up
too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?|
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?|
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law
Why she Had to Change Hotels Last
Last week, I checked into the Four
Seasons Hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you
see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
I looked through
the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself
-a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all
the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack
abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well
oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?"
. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I
rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to
my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in
town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it
hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all
night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and
everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God... that sounds
absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 0 for an outside line."
Excerpts from a District of Columbia Airline Ticket
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' America is in
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter)
ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the
window. (On an airplane!)
2.I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer
(Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa '' his response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called,
furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the
vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and
Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who
asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the
map.'' (OMG, again!)
5.An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once
called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6.An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left
at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but
she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane
went fast and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked,
''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose
luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well,
when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said
(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into
it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno,
Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal) and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to
inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she
asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman,
Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I
was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need
to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu (D) LA. Senator called and had a question
about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy
discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I
don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every
time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure
that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir,
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS AND THEY CONTINUE
3 rugby fans, a Springbok fan, a
New Zealand fan and an Australian fan, were all walking home after watching a
game at the pub. They come across a dead, naked woman lying on the pavement and
decide to phone the police.
The Springbok fan could not bear
to see the undignified woman lying on the floor in such a manner, took off his
Springbok cap and placed it over the woman's left breast.
Not to be outdone, the New Zealand
fan, removed his cap and placed it over the woman's right breast. Similarly, the
Australian fan felt he could be of assistance, removed his cap and placed it
over her groin area.
Now, when the police arrived, the
3 Rugby fans had to stick around for questioning by the police.
They watched the officer inspect
the scene of the crime. The officer picked up the cap from the left breast, had
a peek, put the cap down and then wrote down some notes. He then picked up the
cap from the right breast, had a peek, put the cap down and wrote down some
Next, of course, was the cap over
the groin area. The officer picked up the cap, put it down and then wrote some
notes. He picked up the cap again, put it down and wrote some further notes. For
the third time, the officer did the same thing which infuriated the hell out of
the Australian fan to the point where he went up to the officer.
"What are you? Some kind of
pervert? Why do you keep looking there?" asked the obviously annoyed Aussie fan.
The officer replied, "It's just
weird... Normally, you'd expect to see a prick under an Australian cap!"
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving
a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You
know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."
President Obama laughed, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather
Abdullah in a nursing home. |
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had
to put him in an Australian home.
After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to
visit Grandpa. ''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and
respectful'', says grandpa. ''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat
the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.
''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a
tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!
And me --
"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down
into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.|
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I
thought this was the day you spent with your family."
It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I
take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the
Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a
monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever
made.. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it
hits a bird in mid flight."
Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But
surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still
trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs
my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!'
sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished,
'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball
popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
"You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"
A man wakes up one morning in
Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure
enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got
a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?
'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm
going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in
the back of the van.'
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.
'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu , Bu, Hu, Su and Fu|
Decided to emigrate to the United States .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Su and Fu decided to stay in China .
What it was like in the days when children should be seen
and not heard. 25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside I just
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the shops with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way.'
19 My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just
While in China , a man is very
sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a
shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if
you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis
and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that
but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid
American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by
Why God Made Mums
Answers given by 7yr old school children to the
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He
just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1.. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens bones. Then
they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's Mums like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess
would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least ï¿½800 a year? Did he say NO to
drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum
eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum.You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do
What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go
to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real
power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without
What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mum, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on
the back of her head.
Heart Surgeon's Funeral|
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled
inside, and the
heart closed again.
It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral,"
the man replied.
"I'm a Gynaecologist .....
It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can
say is truly from Queensland:|
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels
Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys ( New
South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South
Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of
Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers,
the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the
cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and
then placed his order: "VB."
The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't
drinking beer, then neither will I."
Sex in the Shower|
In a recent survey requested by president-elect Obama,
African Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the
In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries
firm, a huge majority,86% of African
Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to
One rainy spring night in Belfast , a taxi
driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped
into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was
startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'"Where to?" he stammered.
" Vale Road ," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what
the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're
completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front
seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"
An Alabama preacher said to his
congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to
the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community
cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want
the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that
would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the
Mujibar was trying to get into New Zealand
legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, 'Mujibar, you
have passed all the tests except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter New Zealand .'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The officer said, 'Make a
sentence using the words
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Officer,
I am ready.' The Officer said, 'Good, go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes;
'green, green,......... green, green………..green, green,
and I pink
it up, and say,
Mujibar now works at Telecom. You've probably spoken to him.
A man and his wife were spending the day at
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt ..as they walked through the
ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the
wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two
feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in
the pink dress .. the husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more
by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla
got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps
fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at
him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug
Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you
demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend,
threatening our lives and me.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I
drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45
A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that
Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon
when pointed at your head wasn't it?
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd
come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet
with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed
in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and
filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your
credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go
Go?s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"
that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell
Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used
the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to
the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my
possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat
(I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...
but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've
chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To
Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for a party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard...
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The
taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in
the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty
for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep
her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat backside downstairs and
threw her out into the back yard!
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Grandmas don't know everything....|
Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his
grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her :
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him
the truth. 'It's called
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play
with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called
It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'
A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot
Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to
'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder
which airline she works for.'
"I still call Australia home" he says to her.
She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.
"Obviously not with QANTAS." He thought.
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the
Delta Airlines logan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to himself: 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, Singapore Airline slogan popped into his
head, so he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look, while he scratched
Singapore Airlines off the list.
He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said,
"Smooth as Silk?"
This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F..k
do you want?"
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Last month a world-wide survey was
conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world"
In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand
the Indian accent.
Paul returned from a doctor's visit
one day and told his wife Eileen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey,
now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?" Eileen agreed and again
they made love.
Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realised he now had
only eight hours of life left. He touched Eileen's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward
she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He Tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I
only have four hours left!
"His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
Paul, I have to get
up in the morning! You don't."
2 fish in a tank.
One fish turned to the other and asked "Who is driving
Q: How did the first koala fall of the tree
A: It was dead
Q: How did the second koala fall of the tree
A: It was stables to the first koala
Q: How did the third koala fall of the tree
A: Peer Pressure
Crisis - stranded Australian Sheep in the Gulf URGENT
UPDATE..... The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the
Persian Gulf has been solved.
The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The
Bonus velcro gloves for the first 100 in.
A kiwi was doing the Maori Haka whilst, somewhere in space,
aliens were watching this unusual dance.
"Kamate kamate ka-ora ka-ora ......" loudly sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were very intrigued, and wondered what would happen if
part of the Kiwi's brain was stealthily removed! So, with the aid of very
sophisticated technology, the aliens zapped a beam at the Kiwi's head, and part
of his brain instantly vaporised.
The aliens sat back to see what would
happen. "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora......." sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were amazed, absolutely no difference in the Kiwi's behaviour.
So the aliens decided to zap a higher intensity beam at another
part of the Kiwi's brain.
Again the aliens watched for results, and again the Kiwi sang "Ka-mate ka-mate
ka-ora ka-ora ......"
The aliens naturally deduced that the Kiwi was an extremely
intelligent life-form, for with even a half a brain no difference had been
noticed in the Kiwi's behaviour.
The aliens decided to remove the complete brain, thus leaving
the Kiwi devoid of all knowledge!
So with a push of a button the aliens zapped the Kiwi's head and
sizzled the remaining grey matter.
Now surely the Kiwi will know nothing, be dumb, and be so stupid.
The Aliens watched the Kiwi intently, and
all of a sudden the Kiwi broke into a forceful song
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA .........."
A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!
This is going to make you so MAD!
There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry.
Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for.
Everyone uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you
the third word.
What is it? _______gry?
Send this to 5 People and the answer will
pop up on the screen automatically.
From a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place. Word of advice. If you're ever up before an American
Court - defend yourself.|
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?|
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?|
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: What is your date of birth?|
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: Are you sexually active?|
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?|
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? |
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?|
A: We both do..
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?|
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?|
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?|
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?|
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?|
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?|
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?|
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?|
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?|
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?|
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?|
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?|
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
A guy goes into a supermarket
* one tin of beans *one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub
of ice cream
*one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.
He takes them over to the
checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.
The guy replies sarcastically,
"Yes. However did you guess?"
The girl replies:
"Simple...You are one ugly bastard!"
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at
a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so
would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things
Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does
exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"
The wife replied "I did, they were in your tackle box!!!"
I have been engaged for almost a year. |
I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
She is putting the entire wedding togetherand
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown
a bitbeyond what we had expected it to be.
When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down
to just under a hundred...then she floored me.
She said that in a month I wouldbe a
married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have s e xwith
me. then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I
knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
exactly how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to
He was smiling.
He explained that they just wanted to be sure I
was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.
I shook his hand and hecongratulated
me on passing their little test.
Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to
myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get
A blonde tries to go horseback riding even
though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't
seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to it's slipping rider.
Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become
entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is
struck against the ground over and over again.
As her head is battered against the ground
she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the
Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.
The art of making love
The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda
makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her
knees, she floats a 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing,
when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down
her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12
inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing.
When I've finished shaggin my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window
and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*cking roof !!!"
Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on
a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a
little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would
have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she
decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his
sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls
over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: . .. ... .... ..... .......
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom
Two girls decided to go out on the town
without their husbands.
As they came back, right before dawn, both
of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a
cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one didn't have anything to wipe
herself with, so she took off her panties and used them, then discarded them.
The second not finding anything either,
thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a
flower wreath to wipe off with.
The morning after, both husbands were
talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other: " We have to be
on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife
came home without her panties on...".
The other one replied: "You're lucky mate,
mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget
An elderly married couple
scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel
together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to
be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the
man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty.
And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and
"This is very interesting,"
replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After
examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do
you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she
had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex
the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you
"Oh that old buzzard!" she
replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time
is usually in December."
Now this is friendship !!!! - Love it !!
Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony.
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the police officers descended
on Tony's house in great numbers.
They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no
They swore at Tony and left.
The phone rang at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Happy Birthday, mate."
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under
a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided
that one has to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were not able to name that person but
the woman held a very touching speech - she said that she will voluntarily let
go of the rope because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her
husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in
As soon as she finished her speech, all the
men started clapping their hands......
Floyd the rooster costs a
lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Floyd. The
farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the
rooster a pep talk.
"I want you to pace
yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a
lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time
and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Floyd seemed to understand,
so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM!
Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was
After that the farmer heard
a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there.
Later, the farmer saw Floyd
after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese.
By sunset the farmer saw
Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and
worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went
When he awoke the next day,
he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were
circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
expensive bird, shook his head and said
"Oh, Floyd, I told you to
pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
Floyd opened one eye,
nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting
TOP 9 SEX JOKES
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 1221."
A young man walks up and sits down at the
bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of
Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th
on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief
hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks
her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis
and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Kim.
What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The
wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had
been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean,
what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A man was visiting his wife in hospital
where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub
her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a
sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the
doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and
tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the
man replies: "She choked."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator
by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished
patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in
the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on
the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100
who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
A small white guy goes into an elevator,
when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,
slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The
mall white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
There was this couple who had been married
for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years." "Yeah," he replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at
this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered,
"What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady
breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty
years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!
The first speaker, a lady from England
stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my
husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have
to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The
second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a
wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).
The second speaker from Russia, stood up
and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan,
that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the
third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The
crowd again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady,
stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy
husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his
tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long
minutes). She continued..........................."Afta da first day, I nevah
see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I
could see a little bit out of my leff eye."
The average blue whale produces over 400
gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into
his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and
you wonder why the ocean is so salty...
The CEO of Inghams manages
to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal
blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Inghams is
prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's
Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily
chicken.' The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the
Lord it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Inghams
man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our
offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's
Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread 'to 'give us this day our daily
chicken.' Again, the Pope replies,
"That, my son, is
impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500
million dollars - that's half a billion dollars to the great Catholic church if
you would only change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread'
to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'
Please consider it." And he
The next day the Pope
convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and
some bad news."
"The good news is that the
Church will come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your
Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Tip Top
A lonely spinster, aged 70,
decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local
paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me,
must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply
On the second day she heard
the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a gray haired
gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically,
"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you
have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted, "You don't
have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and
gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the
doorbell didn't I ?"
A frustrated housewife
decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her
husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up
a pair of crotchless knickers.
She went home, tarted
herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband
when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a
She slowly spreads her
legs, and in a husky voice says
"Honey, would you like some
The husband looks between
his ageing wife's legs, looks up at his doting wife and replies,
"HELL, NO! Look what its
done to your underwear."
Two Arabs are chatting. One
of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my
oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause...
The second Arab says,
wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
An old man was sitting on a
bench at the mall.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different colours; green, red, orange, blue,
The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and
fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
On a recent transatlantic
flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and
things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular
Screaming, she stands up in
the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is
silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
Then a man stands up in the
rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt -
......one button at a time.
......No one moves.
.......He removes his
.....Muscles ripple across
......."Here, iron this."
Jim and Mary were both
patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom
and stayed there.
Jim promptly jumped in to
save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director
became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged
from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Jim
the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're
being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of
another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the
patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but she's dead."
Jim replied, "She's not
dead, I put her there to dry."
Re: Green Dog
Read Each One Carefully and
Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love you not because
of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
2. No man or woman is worth
your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone
doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with
all they have.
4. A true friend is someone
who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss
someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when
you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be
one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on
a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to
meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally
meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is
over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to
be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be
more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better
person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them
to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the
best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS,
HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many
people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But
some of us have all right friends and good
You have been Tagged by the
Keep Faith in Troubled Times|
And the Lord Spoke to Noah and said:
" In One year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole
earth with water until everyone is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth "
In a flash God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Noah took
the plans and agreed to build the Ark. Exactly one year later, fierce storm
clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping " Noah,
" he shouted. " Where is the Ark ? "
'" Lord please forgive me ? cried Noah. " I did my best,
but there were big problems.
First, I had to to get a permit for construction and your plans did
not meet specifications. I had to hire an engineering company to redraw them.
" Then I got into a fight with Occupational Safety people over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
" Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating by-laws by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from Town
" Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl
I finally convinced the Forestry Department that I needed the wood
to save the Owls. However, The Department of Environmental Affairs won't let me
catch any Owls. "
" The carpenters went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
with the builders Federation before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. "
" Then I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
only taking two of each kind aboard.
" When their objections were finally dismissed, the Department of
Environment notified me that I could not complete the Ark, without filing an
environment impact assessment on your proposed flood "
" They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
" Then the city engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe."
" The Australian Tax office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
" I just got a notice from the Licensing Department that I owe them
some kind of tax, having failed to register the Ark as a recreational
And you thought you had it tough ???... Hang in there
Brian Andrews 17 / 10 / 01
Q: What's the definition of bad luck?
A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket
your travel insurance through HIH and
trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile...
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks
his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?"|
Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You
don't want to know that."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well then" replies Betty, giving in, "I'm afraid so. Three
"Three?! Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really,
really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a
But suddenly one day the bank president himself came over to the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can't be too upset about
Well, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you
really, really needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to
And, remember how Dr. DeBakey suddenly came all the way up here to
perform the surgery himself?"
"Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.
To do such a thing, you must truly love me.
How could any man be upset with that?
And so, finally, when was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really, really
wanted to be president of the golf club - and you were 27 votes short?"
What should we do with Osama bin Laden when we capture him? Kill him?|
No - he would be a martyr! Leave him alone? No - it would make the
USA look bad!
Solution: bring him to trial, give him a sex change and send him
back to live as a woman under Taliban rule.
If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Ansett stock one year ago, it would be worth
$49.00 today. If you bought $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, and traded in the cans for the deposit, you would have $79.00 today.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch in New
Zealand. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their check
book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man
has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get
there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch,
inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that
he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want
you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's
blonde. She'll read it very slow."
There was an old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they
decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went in her bedroom, stripped
naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.
When she walked out of the room her husband yelled "You can't go out like that!"
"I can go out as whatever I want and so can you!"|
The man agreed and went into his room. Soon, he came out naked with
a string tied to his penis and a potato at the end of the string.
The woman said "You're going out as that?"
"Yes," said the old man. "If you can go out as a sourpuss, I can go
out as a dicktator."
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery
"down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her
genitals were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children
now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it
looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.|
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three
roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse,
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well"
said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and
you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's
really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the
operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently
it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very
excited!". "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just
wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY
1. Go for younger men. You might as well
- they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you
can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it
means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out
Ever notice how all of women's problems
start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy
Send this to all of the women you know
and brighten their day!!!
The Ultimate Guy" Quiz
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be
referred to as:
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time
only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportsworld
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just
had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $300.00 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in
weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, one lonely bitch."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but
her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden,
her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything
she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agreed.
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by midnight. Any
later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agreed to be
home by midnight.
The appointed hour came and went, and
Cinderella didn't show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and
VERY satisfied. '"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm turned into a pumpkin five hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter
Peter, something or other...."
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who
would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily
through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree,
and, holding a knife to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly
reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at the
Wolf and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in
divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is
crazy and that is why you want a divorce?"
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking
through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and
then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Oh..... by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?|
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at
a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time
here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are
the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two
tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United
States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a
guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint
Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to
admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi
driver, of Noo Yawk City." St Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the
He stands erect and booms out:
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last
forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take
this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a
minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken
robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says
Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
What kids have to say|
Never trust a dog to watch your food." -Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't
answer." -Hannah, age 9
"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14
"Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." > > -Emily, age 10
"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair."
-Taylia, age 11
"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment."-Traci, age 14
"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." -
Andrew, age 9
"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age
"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." -Amir, age
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." -Kellie, age 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-Naomi, age 1
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." -Lauren,
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's
on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never try to baptize a cat." -Eileen, age 8
For the kiwi in you
Extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel with
writing like this there really is no need for pictures!
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent
that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a
quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch
to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and
have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of
dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she
frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first,
Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind
and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached
every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I
withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension
heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to
hold out any longer.
Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon
us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp
As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun
melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered
reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner
ear then whispered, "Baaa" and rejoined the flock.
This book is only for sale, at the moment, Australia,
Wales and certain parts of Derbyshire.
Every woman knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his
mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be
as common as a driver's licence the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
PMS STANDS FOR -
Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Plainly; Men Suck
What to do with Osama bin Laden?
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to
demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly
him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex
Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman
under the Taliban.
Trip to the Gynecologist
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a
The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went
out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the
doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in
the first place
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish,
that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my
dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever
fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada
was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said,
"I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer),
asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about
15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing
can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
What makes life 100%?|
If, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Equals, 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96 %
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98 %
(Both are important, but the total falls just short of
that 100 % figure)
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 %
Kinda neat, huh?
30th October 2000|
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the
closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in
the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it."
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, 'How much?"
Boy - "75.00"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that, that is way more than two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
30th October 2000 |
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30th October 2000|
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
26th October 2000|
NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out
section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back,
flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from
burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver
ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the
fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as
possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water
was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet
in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!
This article was taken from the California Examiner,
March 20, 1998
26th October 2000|
STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it
accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handle bars,
was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped
onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital,
the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was
spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline,
and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released to come
home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat
down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into
the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the
loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found
her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife
again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began
carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street
accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband
had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of
them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the
remaining stairs and broke his arm. Taken from a Florida Newspaper)
Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about
16th October 2000|
MALES HAVE IT EASY
These apply to SOME of the men I know!!!!
It's Great To Be a Man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your private areas.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work ... more pay
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
And don't forget......
Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off each other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little ift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
16th October 2000|
The following is something to ponder..............
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are
more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness
of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ...you are
ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a
dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.If your parents
are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly
thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can
hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are
blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in
that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than
over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind
everyone else how blessed we all are.
"There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the
mirror that reflects it." -Edith Wharton
7th October 2000|
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the
bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage oer' dere,"
says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave theshop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the
hill and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders
and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down
for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and
says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin'dangerous for me."
============= PART TWO===================
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the
pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot
out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is
carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the
edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the
parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'!, as he joins
Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat
============= PART THREE ==================
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls
up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches
himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was,
Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen