Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Eileen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live.
Maybe we could make love again?" Eileen agreed and again they made love.                          
Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Eileen's shoulder and said, "Honey?       Please? just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.                                            
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He Tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!        

Could we...?"                                                                                                                                 

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have  to get up in the morning! You don't."         

One fish turned to the other and asked "Who is driving this thing?"

A:Peer Pressure

Crisis - stranded Australian Sheep in the Gulf URGENT UPDATE..... The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved.

The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".

Bonus velcro gloves for the first 100 in.

A kiwi was doing the Maori Haka whilst, somewhere in space, aliens were watching this unusual dance.  
"Kamate kamate ka-ora ka-ora ......" loudly sang the Kiwi.
The aliens were very intrigued, and wondered what would happen if part of the Kiwi's brain was stealthily removed!  So, with the aid of very sophisticated technology, the aliens zapped a beam at the Kiwi's head, and part of his brain instantly vaporised.

The aliens sat back to see what would happen.  "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora......." sang the Kiwi.  
The aliens were amazed, absolutely no difference in the Kiwi's behaviour.

So the aliens decided to zap a higher intensity beam at another part of the Kiwi's brain.  
Again the aliens watched for results, and again the Kiwi sang "Ka-mate ka-mate ka-ora ka-ora ......"

The aliens naturally deduced that the Kiwi was an extremely intelligent life-form, for with even a half a brain no difference had been noticed in the Kiwi's behaviour.

The aliens decided to remove the complete brain, thus leaving the Kiwi devoid of all knowledge!

So with a push of a button the aliens zapped the Kiwi's head and sizzled the remaining grey matter.  
Now surely the Kiwi will know nothing, be dumb, and be so stupid.

The Aliens watched the Kiwi intently, and all of a sudden the Kiwi broke into a forceful song 
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA .........."

There are three words in the English language that end in "gry".
ONE is angry and the other is hungry. 
Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. 
Everyone uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it? _______gry?

Send this to 5 People and the answer will pop up on the screen  automatically.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: 
* one tin of beans *one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream 
*one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. 

The guy replies sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week.  
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.  
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.  
Oh!  Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.  
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.  
He says,  "Yes!  Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few pike.  
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to?"

The wife replied "I did, they were in your tackle box!!!"

The Blonde

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Unfortunately, the Blonde's foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune, the Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.

The art of making love

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my chick, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE ..... She hits the f*cking roof !!!"

Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" 
The guy says: . .. ... .... ..... .......

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Two girls decided to go out on the town without their husbands.

As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one didn't have anything to wipe herself with, so she took off her panties and used them, then discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to wipe off with.

The morning after, both husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one said to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties on...".

The other one replied: "You're lucky mate, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Now this is friendship !!!! - Love it !! 

Telephone conversation goes;
"Hello, is this the police?
"Yes it is. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Tony. 
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the police officers descended on Tony's house in great numbers.
They searched the house and then went to the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no Cocaine. 

They swore at Tony and left.
The phone rang at Tony's house.
"Hey, Tony. Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, mate."

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person but the woman held a very touching speech - she said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope because as a woman she is used to give up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands......

Floyd the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'll be worth it. So he buys Floyd. The farmer takes Floyd home and sets him down in the barnyard--then gives the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Floyd seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Floyd took off like a shot. WHAM! Floyd nailed every hen in the hen house, three or four times. The farmer was flabbergasted

After that the farmer heard a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Floyd was there.

Later, the farmer saw Floyd after a flock of geese by the lake. Once again, WHAM! Floyd got all the geese.

By sunset the farmer saw Floyd in the field chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer was distraught and worried that his expensive rooster wouldn't last even 24 hours. The farmer went to bed.

When he awoke the next day, he found Floyd on his back--stone cold in the middle of the yard. Vultures were circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive bird, shook his head and said

"Oh, Floyd, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Floyd opened one eye, nodded toward the vultures circling in the sky and said, "Shhh! They're getting closer."

TOP 9 SEX JOKES
# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Kim. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The mall white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," he replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, 
"What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued..........................."Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye."

The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

The CEO of Inghams manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.' The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread 'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies,

 "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed." Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Tip Top Account."

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a gray haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.

He had no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted, "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile, "I rang the doorbell didn't I ?"

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers.

She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spreads her legs, and in a husky voice says

"Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs, looks up at his doting wife and replies,

"HELL, NO! Look what its done to your underwear."

Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."

There's a pause...

The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up and sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair in different colours; green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically,
"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the  plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. 
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! 
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt -

......one button at a time.

......No one moves.

.......He removes his shirt.

.....Muscles ripple across his chest

......he whispers:

......."Here, iron this."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director became aware of Jim's heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Jim the news he said, "Jim, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Mary, the patient you saved, hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but she's dead."

Jim replied, "She's not dead, I put her there to dry."

Re: Green Dog

Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?

Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good

friends!!!

You have been Tagged by the Green Dog!

,-._,-.

\/)"(\/

(_o_)

ruff!!!!!!

'" Lord please forgive me ? cried Noah. " I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet specifications. I had to hire an engineering company to redraw them.
" Then I got into a fight with Occupational Safety people over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
" Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating by-laws by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from Town Planning. "
" Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl
I finally convinced the Forestry Department that I needed the wood to save the Owls. However, The Department of Environmental Affairs won't let me catch any Owls. "
" The carpenters went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the builders Federation before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. "
" Then I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
" When their objections were finally dismissed, the Department of Environment notified me that I could not complete the Ark, without filing an environment impact assessment on your proposed flood "
" They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
" Then the city engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
" The Australian Tax office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
" I just got a notice from the Licensing Department that I owe them some kind of tax, having failed to register the Ark as a recreational watercraft."
And you thought you had it tough ???... Hang in there   Brian Andrews 17 / 10 / 01

A: Sitting in Afghanistan holding your return ticket with Ansett, 
your travel insurance through HIH and 
trying to call out on your One.Tel mobile...

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."

1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books. 
14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his. 
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, one lonely bitch."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
 "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agreed. 
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by midnight. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agreed to be home by midnight.

The appointed hour came and went, and Cinderella didn't show up. 
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella showed up, looking love-struck and VERY satisfied. '"Where have you been?" demanded the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm turned into a pumpkin five hours ago!!!"
 "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I 
know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested that he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree, and, holding a knife to her  throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at the Wolf and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy and that is why you want a divorce?"
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

 Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father: 
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"

"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel with writing like this there really is no need for pictures!

The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, Inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly. Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.

I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been. She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, "Baaa" and rejoined the flock.

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when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

PMS STANDS FOR -

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Plainly; Men Suck

Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.

Then we return HER to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. 
The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

Kinda neat, huh?

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This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998