8th December 7:00pm
Ellaways Music Auditorium, Compton Road, Underwood
tickets $50 Available from Radio FM 88

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Why God made Mums - BRILLIANT

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions !!!

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

 What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?

1.We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
4. Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than  dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
 

Why God Created Children (And In The Process Grandchildren)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
" No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
“Why?"
Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“ Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
“ Uh huh," Adam replied.
“ Then why did you? " said the Father.
“ I don't know," said Eve.
“ She started it! "Adam said.
“ Did not! "
“ Did too! "
“ DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day

And Finally: If You ! Have A Lot Of Tension And You Get A Headache, Do What It Says On The Aspirin Bottle:

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards  sitting in her front yard.
She did not recognize them. She said "I don't  think I know you, but you must be hungry.
Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked.
No", she replied. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied.

 In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in"
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends,
and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am  Love."
Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed.
"How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.
Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house.
She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love?
Our home will then be filled with love!"
"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?
Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house.
The other 2 also got up and followed him.
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!"
 

 MY WISH FOR YOU...

Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your ability to work through it.
Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding, patience, and renewed strength.
Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.
 

GLASS OF MILK

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said ... "Then I thank you from the bottom of my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit..

Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation.
When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won.

Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. Tears of joy flooded her eyes as  she read the words .. 

"Paid in full with one glass of milk"
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
 

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.
Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre.

A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.
Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout.

No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit.

It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.
 
Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and genre ally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anaemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.
 
Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fibre, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
 
Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
 
Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
 
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance.When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart,with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals.

It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!" 

Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time!

I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes??
Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit!
 

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM

Two travelling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guestroom. Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't always what they seem."

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.  Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused. The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let the cow die.

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied. "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it."

"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave him the cow instead. Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...

Some people come into our lives and quickly go…

Some people become friends and stay awhile...
leaving beautiful footprints on our hearts...    
and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend!!

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!
I think this life is special...live and savour every moment...

This is not a dress rehearsal!
 

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father- in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE...... 
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you!
 

Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.
Oh, not my body! sometime despair over my body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.

And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and  will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten ... and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.

How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive.
You care less about what other people think.

I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old.

It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.

I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here,

I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.
And I shall eat dessert every single day.

Author unknown
 

The new baby was going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night,
Michael sang to his sister in Mommy's tummy.

He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.
The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen, an active member
of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown,
Tennessee. In time, the labor pains came.

Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications
arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor.

Would a C-section be required?
Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born.

But she was in very serious condition.

With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the neonatal
intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee.

The days inched by. The little girl got worse.
The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope.
Be prepared for the worst.
Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot.
They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new
baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral.

Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister.

I want to sing to her, he kept saying.
Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over.

Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care.

Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not.

If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive.

She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU.
He looked like a walking laundry basket.

The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed

"Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed."

The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steel-eyed
right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line.
"He is not leaving until he sings to his sister" she stated.

Then Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside.

He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live.
After a moment, he began to sing.

In the pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang:

 "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
you make me happy when skies are gray."
Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond.

The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady.
"Keep on singing, Michael," encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes.

"You never know, dear, how much I love you,
please don't take my sunshine away."

As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged, strained
breathing became as smooth as a kitten's purr.

"Keep on singing, sweetheart."

"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms".

Michael's little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.

Keep on singing, Michael."
Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse.
Karen glowed.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
Please don't take my sunshine away..."

The next, day...the very next day...the little girl was well enough to go home.

Woman's Day Magazine called it The Miracle of a Brother's Song.

The medical staff just called it a miracle.
Karen called it a miracle of God's love.

NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE.
LOVE IS SO INCREDIBLY POWERFUL.
Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don't
matter, and those that matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss
 

Only the classic, " Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Perhaps that's the way it is with God.
What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music.  

However, with the hand of the Master, our life's  work can truly be beautiful.

The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully.  You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear,"Don't quit." "Keep playing."  

May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.

Remember, God doesn't  seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips  the 'called.'

Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire.
So touch someone by passing this little message along. May God bless you and be with you always!  
 

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. 
He then asked the students if the jar was full? 
They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. 
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. 
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. 
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. 
He asked once more if the jar was full. 
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. 
The students laughed. 
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. 

The golf balls are the important things; your family, your health, your children, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,

"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. 
The same goes for life. 
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. 
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. 
Play with your children. 
Take time to get medical checkups. 
Take your partner out to dinner. 
Play another 18. 
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. 
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
 

If you wish to send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!
If you wish you can send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean  something to you!! Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty  seconds of happiness wasted.
 

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during the particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived.

I know you are surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here
 

Heaven's Grocery Store

As I was walking down life's highway many years ago
I came upon a sign that read Heavens Grocery Store.

When I got a little closer the doors swung open wide
And when I came to myself I was standing inside.

I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere
One handed me a basket and said "My child shop with care."

Everything a human needed was in that grocery store
And what you could not carry you could come back for more

First I got some Patience. Love was in that same row.
Further down was Understanding, you need that everywhere you go.

I got a box or two of Wisdom and Faith a bag or two.
And Charity of course I would need some of that too.

I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost It was all over the place.
And then some Strength and Courage to help me run this race.

My basket was getting full but I remembered I needed Grace,
And then I chose Salvation for Salvation was for free

I tried to get enough of that to do for you and me
Then I started to the counter to pay my grocery bill,

For I thought I had everything to do the Masters will.
As I went up the aisle I saw Prayer and put that in,

For I knew when I stepped outside I would run into sin.
Peace and Joy were plentiful, the last things on the shelf.

Song and Praise were hanging near so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel "Now how much do I owe?"

He smiled and said "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I asked "Really now, How much do I owe?"

"My child" he said, "God paid your bill a long long time ago.
 

Life story in four verses

Verse 1
A man was walking down the sidewalk and fell into a large hole in the sidewalk - he immediately yelled out "Who pushed me into this hole!"

Verse 2
Later, the same man was walking down the same sidewalk and fell once again into the same hole he wondered "Who would have pushed me into this hole?"

Verse 3
Later, the same man walked down the same sidewalk and fell into the same hole - he questioned "Why did I cause myself to fall into this hole."

Verse 4
Later, the same man walked down the same sidewalk, he saw the hole and crossed the street and walked up the other sidewalk.
 

If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be t! he last time I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance to make everything just right.
There will always be another day to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, 
tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay. 
"And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
 

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. 
Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
 

A successful female executive stood before the Pearly Gates, facing St. Peter himself. "Strange," mused St. Peter, "we've never had an executive make it this far before. I'm not sure what to do with you.
While I think it over, I'll let you experience a day here and a day in Hell."
So the female exec spent an entire day lounging on clouds, playing the harp, having intelligent civilized discussions with great philosophers. Her 24 hours passed quickly and she was then transported to Hell where the Devil took her to a beautiful country club where she found many of her old friends, dressed to the nines, drinking, joking, laughing, having a great time. They talked old times, played golf, had steak and lobster, drank Champagne and danced till dawn.
Before she knew it, her 24 hours was up and she was back at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I've considered your placement, and decided I'll just let you choose where you wish to spend eternity."
She thought only briefly before she replied. "Well, Heaven was nice, but, no offence, I had a great time in Hell." And back down she went. But this time she found herself in a desolate wasteland covered with garbage. Her friends were still there, but now they were dressed in rags, picking up garbage and carrying it from one pile to another.
"Wait a minute," stammered the woman to the Devil,
"I don't understand. Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and drank Champagne and we danced the night away, having a wonderful time. Now everyone's slaving away hovelling garbage."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you're staff!"
 

I dared to dream a burning dream,
Of sounds unheard, of sights unseen;
A drum that tapped a different beat,
A growing flame, a burning heat.

I dared to stand when others bent.
I dared to go where no one went.
I raised my head above the cloud,
I took a breath and cried aloud"

Ï want to be a better me,
To be the best that I can be.
I want to walk beneath the sun
And do the things I've left undone."

I took a step and then one more,
I spread my wings, prepared to soar.
Some held me back. They though me made,
Crazy, reckless, maybe bad.

But I kept my eyes upon my dream,
That sound unheard, that sight unseen,
And helping hands reached down for me,
To lift me up, to set me free.

New friends saw what I could see,
Said "Be the best, that you can be!
You can do it! We're proud of you!"
So I spread my wings and then... I flew.

Author unknown
 

These are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proofreading would've prevented.

The church is starting a New Young Mother's Group. Anyone desiring to be a new young Mother is to meet with the pastor in his office.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at The Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the school recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill "Christ the King".

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight will be: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you, and hopefully they will respond.

Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to help cripple children.

The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person (s) you want remembered.

Attend this meeting and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P. M. ... prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off old clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P. M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM, Please use the back door

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

AND THE BEST FOR LAST, .......

*** The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
 

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin.
The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "you have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn' t moved."
Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought! "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be goo enough."
And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. 
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, using all my strength to do that which you have asked.
Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter.
What is wrong? Why am I failing?" The Lord responded compassionately,
"My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of you strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.
Your task was to push.
And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom.
This you have done. Now, my friend, I will now move the rock."
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that i is still God who moves mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong . . . . just P.U.S.H.!
When the job gets you down . . . . just P.U.S.H.!
When people don't react the way you think they should ...just P.U.S.H.!
When your money looks "gone" and the bills are due . .  ...just P.U.S.H!
When people just don't understand you . . just P.U.S.H.!

P= Pray 
U= Until
S= Something
H= Happens

Pass this on to all the love ones and friends who may need it, they may get it just in time.
 

Mature love: I need you because I love you
Immature love: I love you because I need you - Author unknown
 

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If God had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
God sends you flowers every spring.
God sends you a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk,
God listens.
God can live anywhere in the universe, but God chose . . . your heart.
Face it friend, God is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, light for the way.

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.
Return it to the person who sent it to you.

At a Chush fundraising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection  in my son Shaya? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?"

The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that he seeks is in the way people react to this child."He then told the following story about his son, Shaya:

One afternoon, Shaya and his father walked past a park where some boys Shaya knew were playing baseball. Shaya asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"  Shaya's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shaya's father understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.

Shaya's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shaya could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."

Shaya's father was ecstatic as Shaya smiled broadly. Shaya was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of the eight inning, Shaya's team scored a few runs but was still behind by  three.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shaya's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base. Shaya was scheduled to be up. 
Would the team actually let Shaya bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shaya was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shaya didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it. However as Shaya stepped up to the plate, the Pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shaya swung clumsily and missed. One of Shaya's teammates came up to Shaya and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shaya. As the pitch came in, Shaya and his teammate swung at the ball and together they hit a slow ground ball  to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shaya would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, "Shaya, run to first. Run to first."Never in his  life had Shaya run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide-eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman who would tag out Shaya, who was still running.

But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the Third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shaya ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shaya reached second base, the opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third."

As Shaya rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shaya run home." Shaya ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash different ways of living and believing and then wonder why the world is going to hell. Funny how we can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when we start sending messages regarding life choices, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of morality is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Funny isn't it?

Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what I think of me.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been t